Reflecting on my new years resolutions...struggles and victories...

I'm honest and open in my blog posts. I have days where I'm 100 percent positive about recovery and life in general but I also have days, I guess like everyone else where I still struggle. In my case that includes getting thoughts to self harm (like I have said in previous posts self harm is separate to suicide and I no longer have suicidal thoughts as even on the days I struggle I am positive about my future) but I am doing a therapy called dbt and one of the skills is "distress tolerance" which is basically being able to sit with often overwhelming uncomfortable feelings and emotions which in the past would have been times I would have self harmed. I still get those times where I get those overwhelming feelings and I'm trying to reflect on what causes them and how to reduce them.My new years resolution was to not diet and eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day (a recommendation from CBT therapy I had for eating disorders) but the part of me that still has strong eating disorder thoughts was still telling me eat the 3 meals 3 snacks...but calorie count just to feel safer with it...and be rigid with the times...and only have what's strictly written on my meal plan sheets I do. This went wrong g because I was still being obsessed with calories and feeling guilty about them, and strict times don't always fit neatly into life. I was at the group therapy I go to the other day and I forgot the carton of orange juice I was meant to have as "mid morning snack" so I started to panic as we weren't going to get a break before lunch and no way could I have it with lunch as my plan had gone out of the window. My concentration had gone in the therapy session as in my head I was too fixed on that stupid carton of orange. Anyway I had it for lunch and I had a carton of apple juice mid afternoon.  I had worked out the calories of everything I was going to eat that day but then it was one of the staffs birthday and she had brought cake in. I wasn't going to have any as it wasn't in my meal plan but then later on I asked my friend if she thought it would be ok in my meal plan and I decided to have some. I then started getting stressed about the amount of calories I had had, thought sod it and ate a bar of chocolate when I got home. I had also overwhelmed myself with non food related plans for the day. My physical health isn't great so I get tired easily so usually if I'm awake busy all day I can't plan much after (i feel about 90 but I'm normally ok after a nanna nap lol). Anyway i had planned to go to therapy all day, then to see Warwick my horse and swimming but i was tired with a headache, so i went to bed for a couple of hours after therapy. I then watched TV and ended up bingeing on more chocolate and couldn't sleep all night and was crying and getting strong thoughts to self harm. The big victory was I DIDN'T and have reflected on it. I had told myself I couldn't eat the next day...my routine was out due to being awake all night so then sleeping all morning.  But I then got up at lunchtime, had a normal lunch and went to see my horse Warwick (he is my best friend...animals are great therapy). And then got a sandwich on the way home then went to the cinema with my nephews girlfriend to see "Cats" which was an amazing film and then we went to KFC and I got a vegan burger (but had to get McDonald's fries as KFC ones aren't vegetarian.  Anyway I ate quite a bit today but none of it was a binge just unstructured meals. I had a really good, productive day and enjoyed my friends company and tomorrow is a new day. 2 things i've reflected on is 1. Aim to eat 3 meals 3 snacks but don't count the calories and allow flexibility and 2. Don't plan too much in a day so I become overwhelmed and trigger my anxiety. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go swimming with a friend and to see Warwick my horse again. Rome wasn't built in a day, or even a week...recovery is a work in progress and every day is a new start.

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