Time to try fight back from low mood....thankful to be alive....

Last week I saw my heart consultant and got a letter back saying my heart function is only just below normal now which is good. I'm having another heart scan in March to see why I got heart failure in 2015 and to see if there is a reason for me being permenantly tired and get breathless exercising relating to my heart. This got me thinking back to 2015. In 2014 i was the most suicidal i had ever been and took about 60 overdoses (I'm sure that contributed to the heart failure as i also got told i had chronic kidney disease at that time).At the end of 2014 i got a really bad cough, was coughing up cups full of phlegm (gross i know) and could barely make it across my bedroom without being out of breath and nearly passing out. At the same time i was getting assessed to go to a mental health therapeutic community in London and me and my mum went and it was supposed to be a 5 minute walk to the hotel we were staying in and it took an hour and i had to sit down at every wall we got too. I felt like I was about 90. My gp at the time, because of my mental health history tried to tell me my symptoms were anxiety. Fortunately I had a good mental health care co ordinator who kept saying he knew it wasn't mental health related, I know what anxiety feels like. Anyway eventually the gp did a blood test that said I had significant heart strain and I was eventually referred to see my heart consultant I see for a hereditary heart condition we have which I have a pacemaker for. It turned out my heart was only functioning at 20 percent, anything below 45 percent is heart failure. I was put on meds and it turned out my heart had become enlarged and a pacemaker wire had fell out and was pacing in the wrong part. So after 10 days on meds I had my pacemaker redone. I was told to sign a consent form to say I agreed for them to do it even though there was a high risk I could die. At the time I was still really suicidal but there was always a part of me that wanted to live so I signed the consent form and me being me said to the surgeon it's fine I'm suicidal most of the time anyway...but I told him I was going to a mental hospital next to treat me for that..I'm not sure they knew how to take me, I have a dark sense of humour sometimes. After having my pacemaker redone, I was discharged on my birthday, great birthday it was that year and I went to the mental health hospital a month later where I ended up taking more overdoses in fact at that time I even said I wished the heart failure had killed me, I had obsessive thoughts that I deserved to be dead (i always said i deserved to be dead by the time i was 28 as that's how old my birth mum was when she died of septicaemia caused from me being born by caesarean). That is when I got sectioned and I  am now thankful I did as I know the lengths I was going to to try kill myself then I wouldn't be here now, there were alot of times it was very close even on the mental health ward, in the end I had to have staff with me 24 hours a day. After about 6 months in hospital I then got a bit more positive because of staff and my mum and dads support and then I got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia, my kidneys failed and I ended up in the high dependency unit of rotherham hospital and I actually got scared of dying, and I was saying to the mental health staff don't let me die, they were like we have been cutting ligatures off you for months and now you tell us. (I got on really well with the staff at the mental health hospital I was in). I then got discharged back to a mental  health rehab in Grimsby a few months later and went back to feeling unable to cope and got suicidal again and took a few more overdoses.  But I got really good support from the staff at the mental health rehab in the end and I started doing normal things again with their support. I still struggle alot with my mental health but am no longer suicidal and am actually thankful to be alive, I don't want to die having not achieved anything and want to get back to helping other people. But for the first time I actually believe I don't have to "deserve" to live, you can enjoy life too. That being said the last few weeks I have been really low in mood and struggling with my eating disorder and got into unhealthy ways of trying to lose weight despite me saying my new years resolution was to not diet which is actually what triggered my low mood, so the last couple of days I've got my fight back. For the last week or 2 I had been feeling dizzy and emotional and even choir which I love wasn't lifting my mood but last night I was looking at videos of the choir gigs I had done which I have loved doing and was telling myself a life just worrying about weight makes you too ill physically and mentally to enjoy anything. Warwick my horse needs me too, he is 30 this year and he deserves good care and attention from his mum, I don't ride him anymore as I'm too big but I enjoy seeing other people enjoy riding him and I love to groom him and give him treats and cuddles. I now go to a therapeutic community to help me learn to deal with emotions in healthier way then eating disorders and self harm which is for 2 years but I want to also use those 2 years to work towards life goals to in the words of Marsha Lineham who developed DBT therapy "get a life worth living " and after all I have survived I am obviously here for some reason so I need to make the most of it. I know there will still be low days but they are worth fighting for the better ones.