Vicious circle....new years resolution to NOT DIET triggered obsessive thoughts to get worse


The reason my mood has been rubbish is purely down to bloomin food glorious food. Before Christmas I did a sponsored swim. Because I was swimming and I had to swim because I was doing it for others to raise money, my head was allowing me to eat regular meals ( I was restricting on days I wasn't swimming)....as I was burning off the calories. I often get anxious swimming on my own but managed to push through the anxiety to make myself do it as I don't like not achieving goals and letting people down. Since I stopped the swim I've struggled and gone back to feeling guilty about every bloomin meal, so the days I'm out for the day I generally don't take any food just fruit juice. But then there comes a point you have to eat because your feeling dizzy and irritable and mood is low. Even choir hasn't lifted my mood but rationally I know it is due to food....but irrationally the eating disorder thoughts take you over to the point you feel guilty eating anything and I am also all or nothing...when I do eat I end up eating too much....although when I work it out it is literally your body and brain fighting you starving it and what seems too much and a binge often is within recommended calorie amount but then the ed voice tells you your not allowed to eat the next day...that's where the vicious cycle comes in. Also I think if i exercise I'm allowed to eat but in the meantime i keep going dizzy from not eating enough alot of days so then you don't feel confident going on your own...so you don't exercise so not allowed to eat. A few times over the years I have asked for eating disorder services support so I have someone to do structured meal plans with and trust them to help me get it right. I hate being this fat although it was meds and water retention from heart failure that originally made my weight go right up). It was over a year ago I took an overdose literally because I couldn't deal with the eating disorder controlling me and even then I couldn't get help with it. I then asked my gp to refer me to a dietitian but then the dietetic department say they don't deal with people with eating disorders and to see the eating disorder services...who try tell me i have never had an eating disorder despite being in an eating disorder clinic in 2010 and having some therapy from them in 2012....the NHS is bound by so many politics and red tape. I've tried my best on my own....i even made a new years resolution to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but i ended up calorie counting it then it got to a point skipping meals is easier than having to add up every stupid calorie. I'm constantly battling with to recover from an eating disorder you can't diet but then you can't lose weight but if you can't lose weight you hate yourself more for being fat. I want to move on with my life and had loads of goals but this is the biggest barrier to achieving them....


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