Most productive day in ages....then along came stupid sandwich

My obsessive thoughts have been so strong lately they alternate between eating disorder thoughts and suicidal ones. The suicidal ones have subsided after a small overdose the other day(I have limited access to any meds so was only antihistamines I was taking for a sinus infection I've had...but I'm not supposed to take any antihistamines because of the heart condition I have). But unfortunately a way the suicidal thoughts quieten is self harm...I hate that I end up doing it again....

I gave up on meal plans and because my mood has been low I've been spending entire days in bed to avoid eating and drinking which obviously inevitably you have to eat...it causes  such a battle in my head it's doing my head in...again it ends up in having to self harm to punish myself for eating.

I took the overdose Monday after the group therapy I go to...I only went for the morning and the thoughts got too strong so I went home. I got checked at the hospital and was medically ok. Tuesday I was so tired as I was still tired from the day before but i went to therapy for the morning then needed to come home to sleep.  I told myself I needed to be motivated today and I got a support worker who comes to help me clean my flat, had a shower as as gross as it sounds I hadn't been motivated for days and was good to feel human again. Warwick needed some food so I had to go and take it to him and I always feel happy around Warwick and gave him a groom and treats. I had some fruit juice before I went and ate 2 of warwicks ginger biscuits to be able to drive but once I go a few hours without eating I feel guilty about undoing the good work by eating. You constantly have to argue with yourself that rationally you need food but mentally your brain hates food .I went to my mum and dads and spent some time there but then came home and thought I need to eat but cant eat I thought I would be ok with a sandwich....my weight has gone down this week but I was worried that sandwich will make it go up, I ate it but then ended up self harming again over a stupid sandwich.  I really need to get out of this cycle but I know its food and restricting that's making my mood so up and down but then the ed voice just wont go....not sure what to do as if I mention at the therapy I go to that eating disorder thoughts are triggering my mood and behaviour I'm told they arent an eating disorder service so others there who dont have eating disorders get mad at me that then triggers my memories of being bullied at school. I went to the therapeutic community to work on my dependant and avoidant personality disorders so I can set goals to be less dependent on services and less avoidant of anxiety provoking situations and I have made progress in those areas. I did go a long time without self harm but I'm feeling so triggered and low I cant just sit with the feeling. I will carry on carrying on. Will try stick to plans as best as I can and hopefully stay as safe as I can....

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