Reflecting...this time 5 years ago I was preparing to go to a therapeutic community for my mental health in London and how things have improved alot since then...
Someone just showed up on my timeline from when I was at a therapeutic community in London I went to back in March 2015. It doesn't actually seem that long ago and it's been a rollercoaster few years but things are definitely alot better than that year.
I went to London as local mental health services had said they had exhausted all avenues of care with me that they had available as I was classed as too complex, taking overdoses constantly. So I went to London for the intensive therapy I needed. Unfortunately at that time I wasn't in control of any of my self harming or suicidal thoughts and even small triggers would trigger me to self harm, which was against the rules at that therapeutic community and I only lasted there a few weeks and I think in those few weeks I spent so much time absconding to overdose etc. I didn't really make any connections with the other patients there.
Thinking about it though had I been as stable with my self harm as I had been for the last year and a half I think I would have got more out of there as there was individual and group therapy, and because it was residential 5 days a week for 2 years patients do make long term connections and it was actually in a nice part of London so in spare time they did activities together, went camping, had an annual barbecue where old patients all joined for a reunion.
I wasn't in a good place mentally then, I'm open about the blips I have now but they are just that in relation to self harm and overdoses, now it happens and I move on quickly, then I just was acting on negative thoughts constantly and wasn't safe to live in the community. I'm thankful I then got sectioned and sent to a locked hospital then because it did save my life. It didn't give me the therapy I needed but did get me to a point of being safer in the community.
I relapsed when I came home originally because after a year in hospital I was institutionalised and dependant on alot of support but in the end I did move on at a local mental health rehab I was supported by and I do now live in my own flat, I drive, I passed my horse riding instructor exam and did teach for about a year and have pushed myself socially by joining a choir and doing gigs and social events and have started doing a 10 week drama course run for mental health service users.
I am now at a local therapeutic community 3 days a week to work on being less emotional and to work on my social anxiety and dependence on services if I am ever to move on with my life. I do struggle in groups especially as alot of people with personality disorders can be aggressive in the way they manage their emotions whereas I am passive, i hate confrontation and hate upsetting people but also hate that being so quiet and emotional I often feel not listened to but then I get more emotional and that triggers my obsessive suicidal thoughts to get worse alongside other triggers from my life history.
However although I have been low the last few weeks and had a couple of blips I have still been to choir and drama group and am focused on my goals still. On my positive days I do think I want to be able to work again and help others in mental health again possibly with children and young people as if children are helped in the early stages of mental illness they are less likely to be long term mental health patients as adults. So even though I struggle with the group therapy I go to I am going to continue to set myself goals so am doing a distance learning course in understanding child and adolescent mental health and am going to do my GCSE maths in September as I have functional maths level 2 which is an equivalent but it runs out for certain professions such as nursing so I had to do it twice before when I was going to do mental health nursing at uni but deferred because of my mental health. I'm going to focus on what I'm doing at the moment as don't want to overwhelm myself but in a few months time will look at some volunteer work helping people but I need to get a bit more stable again so I can consistently do it without getting emotional when things go wrong which in life obviously nothing is ever perfect. So on reflection things can only get better. I'm 40 next year and I want my life to restart...my 30s definitely haven't been great.....so things definitely can only get better 😊😊😊😊
I went to London as local mental health services had said they had exhausted all avenues of care with me that they had available as I was classed as too complex, taking overdoses constantly. So I went to London for the intensive therapy I needed. Unfortunately at that time I wasn't in control of any of my self harming or suicidal thoughts and even small triggers would trigger me to self harm, which was against the rules at that therapeutic community and I only lasted there a few weeks and I think in those few weeks I spent so much time absconding to overdose etc. I didn't really make any connections with the other patients there.
Thinking about it though had I been as stable with my self harm as I had been for the last year and a half I think I would have got more out of there as there was individual and group therapy, and because it was residential 5 days a week for 2 years patients do make long term connections and it was actually in a nice part of London so in spare time they did activities together, went camping, had an annual barbecue where old patients all joined for a reunion.
I wasn't in a good place mentally then, I'm open about the blips I have now but they are just that in relation to self harm and overdoses, now it happens and I move on quickly, then I just was acting on negative thoughts constantly and wasn't safe to live in the community. I'm thankful I then got sectioned and sent to a locked hospital then because it did save my life. It didn't give me the therapy I needed but did get me to a point of being safer in the community.
I relapsed when I came home originally because after a year in hospital I was institutionalised and dependant on alot of support but in the end I did move on at a local mental health rehab I was supported by and I do now live in my own flat, I drive, I passed my horse riding instructor exam and did teach for about a year and have pushed myself socially by joining a choir and doing gigs and social events and have started doing a 10 week drama course run for mental health service users.
I am now at a local therapeutic community 3 days a week to work on being less emotional and to work on my social anxiety and dependence on services if I am ever to move on with my life. I do struggle in groups especially as alot of people with personality disorders can be aggressive in the way they manage their emotions whereas I am passive, i hate confrontation and hate upsetting people but also hate that being so quiet and emotional I often feel not listened to but then I get more emotional and that triggers my obsessive suicidal thoughts to get worse alongside other triggers from my life history.
However although I have been low the last few weeks and had a couple of blips I have still been to choir and drama group and am focused on my goals still. On my positive days I do think I want to be able to work again and help others in mental health again possibly with children and young people as if children are helped in the early stages of mental illness they are less likely to be long term mental health patients as adults. So even though I struggle with the group therapy I go to I am going to continue to set myself goals so am doing a distance learning course in understanding child and adolescent mental health and am going to do my GCSE maths in September as I have functional maths level 2 which is an equivalent but it runs out for certain professions such as nursing so I had to do it twice before when I was going to do mental health nursing at uni but deferred because of my mental health. I'm going to focus on what I'm doing at the moment as don't want to overwhelm myself but in a few months time will look at some volunteer work helping people but I need to get a bit more stable again so I can consistently do it without getting emotional when things go wrong which in life obviously nothing is ever perfect. So on reflection things can only get better. I'm 40 next year and I want my life to restart...my 30s definitely haven't been great.....so things definitely can only get better 😊😊😊😊
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