Food shop stress during lockdown with an eating disorder
I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can whilst in lockdown, stuck in my flat 24/7. I've been writing a daily plan, that includes staying in bed for the morning, there have been some days I haven't been able to face the day due to low mood and guilt about wanting to eat so avoiding eating which rationally I always knows makes my mood worse. So I have been writing meal plans like I always do but sometimes I feel guilty eating anything so avoid it but then it gets to a point I'm that hungry I end up bingeing.
So having to plan a month food shop is a nightmare, not only am I high risk if I get the virus because I have a heart condition but I also have anxiety so normally do my food shop with a support worker so even if I was going to physically risk going to the shop I wouldn't be able to. So anyway I tried to order my food shop online which is also another nightmare. Even at normal times, online shopping doesn't normally work for me, it sounds really pathetic to be honest but my eating disorder fluctuates between obsessive calorie counting, weighing and measuring everything, if I get lazy with that I just avoid food like I said until I cave in and end up bingeing then I hate myself even more. So one time I ordered low sugar water that had 1 calorie it was at a time I was rigidly counting calories, the shop substituted the water with one that had sugar in. I had drunk half a bottle before I realised, my head couldn't deal with it and I felt out of control and ended up self harming over a stupid bottle of water. I do try and fight self harm but at times of stress it is often triggered, I don't want to let this situation trigger me.i have a click and collect order coming on Friday tonight is Tuesday, I'm wide awake stressing over a food shop. I hate mental health problems so much.
Because of the worry of how I was going to get my food shop in I have ordered for a month, if my eating disorder head is saying I'm not allowed to eat I can't go out of the house and keep busy away from the house which is the way I find easiest to deal with it. My eating disorder head in one breath would tell me just don't get any food for the month but then obviously you need food, but then there is another part that craves chocolate and other crap food and I have a love hate relationship with that so I buy it, you can only binge on it once. (I think I'm actually going to give some of it to my mum to have at their house and just be given some once a week). But then there is still the issue of I have a month worth of food in for me to stress over, I hate being fat, I can't exercise enough to burn many calories although am trying to do some I need to at least feel like I'm trying.
Don't know what the point of this blog was really. I saw a post on Facebook comparing a celebrity with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia having a meltdown in a mansion and Ann Frank. The pist was saying how pathetic the celebrity was how he should man up etc. and be thankful he wasn't in Ann Frank's situation. You can't compare the 2. Some people have already committed suicide over the lockdown obviously because the situation heightens problems you were having before. Mental illness isn't a choice I want my head to shut up most of the time, it's always telling me how I'm not good enough, too fat, a waste of space etc. and being stuck in 24 hours a day doesn't help. Mental health workers ring but not any that know about eating disorders so they just presume the issue is oh are you eating too much. No I have an argument in my head 24 7 that doesn't want me to eat that I try to fight with meal plans sometimes the guilt wont let me eat it other times an addictive part decides to eat anything. Oh well will try stick to my routine and plans and deal with it as best I can.
So having to plan a month food shop is a nightmare, not only am I high risk if I get the virus because I have a heart condition but I also have anxiety so normally do my food shop with a support worker so even if I was going to physically risk going to the shop I wouldn't be able to. So anyway I tried to order my food shop online which is also another nightmare. Even at normal times, online shopping doesn't normally work for me, it sounds really pathetic to be honest but my eating disorder fluctuates between obsessive calorie counting, weighing and measuring everything, if I get lazy with that I just avoid food like I said until I cave in and end up bingeing then I hate myself even more. So one time I ordered low sugar water that had 1 calorie it was at a time I was rigidly counting calories, the shop substituted the water with one that had sugar in. I had drunk half a bottle before I realised, my head couldn't deal with it and I felt out of control and ended up self harming over a stupid bottle of water. I do try and fight self harm but at times of stress it is often triggered, I don't want to let this situation trigger me.i have a click and collect order coming on Friday tonight is Tuesday, I'm wide awake stressing over a food shop. I hate mental health problems so much.
Because of the worry of how I was going to get my food shop in I have ordered for a month, if my eating disorder head is saying I'm not allowed to eat I can't go out of the house and keep busy away from the house which is the way I find easiest to deal with it. My eating disorder head in one breath would tell me just don't get any food for the month but then obviously you need food, but then there is another part that craves chocolate and other crap food and I have a love hate relationship with that so I buy it, you can only binge on it once. (I think I'm actually going to give some of it to my mum to have at their house and just be given some once a week). But then there is still the issue of I have a month worth of food in for me to stress over, I hate being fat, I can't exercise enough to burn many calories although am trying to do some I need to at least feel like I'm trying.
Don't know what the point of this blog was really. I saw a post on Facebook comparing a celebrity with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia having a meltdown in a mansion and Ann Frank. The pist was saying how pathetic the celebrity was how he should man up etc. and be thankful he wasn't in Ann Frank's situation. You can't compare the 2. Some people have already committed suicide over the lockdown obviously because the situation heightens problems you were having before. Mental illness isn't a choice I want my head to shut up most of the time, it's always telling me how I'm not good enough, too fat, a waste of space etc. and being stuck in 24 hours a day doesn't help. Mental health workers ring but not any that know about eating disorders so they just presume the issue is oh are you eating too much. No I have an argument in my head 24 7 that doesn't want me to eat that I try to fight with meal plans sometimes the guilt wont let me eat it other times an addictive part decides to eat anything. Oh well will try stick to my routine and plans and deal with it as best I can.
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