I have more lives than a lucky cat...so am definitely scared of the caronavirus...

It is a good thing I am scared of the covid 19, a few years back I was in such a dark place I didn't want to live anyway. In 2015 (my bad year) I had alot of physical health problems. I started the year with heart failure, my heart was only functioning at 20 percent, I was constantly coughing and out of breath and weak, I went to a singing group for older people with my dad and honestly the older people were fitter than me, I could barely sing and it's a helpful to be able to breath to be able to sing. At the time I had heart failure I wasnt scared of dying as mentally I was in a very dark place and was suicidal but physically it was frustrating that I was alive and having to live as a disabled person even though I was still trying to look after Warwick my horse I would collapse just trying to take him to the field as I could barely walk across my bedroom. Later in 2015 I was in a mental health hospital and I got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia and gallstones all at the same same. I was more positive about wanting to live by then and it was scary, I actually got scared of dying. I only thought I had flu, by the evening I was in the high dependency unit, my kidneys were failing and I was really ill and in pain breathing. I had started with a fever and a cough I was shivering but had a temperature of 43 degrees so can see similarities to the caronavirus and I can say it was scary. I was in a medical hospital for 10 days on strong antibiotics and it took a long time to recover and my body 5 years later still isn't normal.  Although my heart function is nearer normal than it was, it is below normal and my exercise tolerance is rubbish, I get really out of breath even walking the dogs or horse riding so have to have alot of breaks but when I am mentally at my best I do actually push myself I don't like to use it as an excuse to not do anything but doing something active normally means I have to go to bed for a few hours as I get so tired. I also have chronic kidney disease so my kidneys arent normal from all the overdoses I took and then from when I had the meningococcal septicaemia.  It has taken 5 years to build up to what I am now, I swam alot as I find swimming easier to breath so I can do it for long enough for it to have built up my fitness. Swimming is great for lung capacity I had to stop swimming at the end of last year after doing a sponsored swim of 22 miles in 12 weeks as I have had problems with my ears and sinuses so need to see an ent specialist to get them sorted out. For me the scary part of getting caronavirus is remembering how ill I was in 2015 at I time I didn't want to die. I'm 40 in February, I always thought I would die in my 20s my birth mum was 28 and her mum was in her 20s we also have a hereditary heart condition that causes Sudden Adult Death syndrome (SADS) but my mum died of septicaemia caused by me being born by caesarean so I always thought I deserved to be dead at the age she died as I thought it was my fault unless I could justify being alive and doing good by helping others although it feels good helping others too. Anyway I can't have survived alot of suicide attempts, heart failure, a seperate heart arrhythmia that causes you to die young( I have a pacemaker and defibrillator for that), meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia to then go and die of caronavirus.  Also the other thing g I find scary about the caronavirus is even if you survive you are left physically ill and disabled and it would be awful to be left to have to live as a disabled person, I have goals I want to achieve I want to be physically and mentally able to work again if I got the caronavirus me and my mum were saying I probably wouldn't survive it ( although like I said I have more lives than a lucky cat...but even a cats lives run out eventually). or if I did survive what health problems would I be left with. The virus affects your breathing, the 3 things that I live for are singing, swimming and horses and horse riding...all would be affected. I do 't think alot of people are worrying about the virus anymore, places such as pubs and shops are opening but that doesnt mean the virus has gone we still need to socially distance and be cautious but in parks, on the beaches, in shops people seem to be acting as if it has gone so I am going to minimal places, the stables which is outdoor with little contact with others, my mum and dads I am in a bubble with and food shops as little as possible, since lockdown I have done 2 physical food shops in Tesco twice and do it for the month, I have been in my local shop to put gas and electric on twice as my mum often does it. All we can do is be cautious especially if we know we have our own medical vulnerabilities, my opinion is until the virus is totally gone we are not safe, we will be safe when there is a vaccine or effective treatment to reduce people dying, obviously there will never be a treatment that has a 100 percent recovery rate but needs to be alot lower. I can't wait to be able to go back to choir and be able to swim again but I have radically accepted that for me that may be a while yet. For now we have safer alternatives which although not ideal keeps choir going until we can safely go back and it will be so emotional I am missing seeing people so much I live on my own and have met up with one friend (who used to be a paid support worker I used to have who stayed in touch) but I am finding it more lonely than normal so I can understand how everyone else feels too, and I understand how businesses need to get up and running for people s livelihoods and the economy....let's hope it's not too much longer until life can resume safely again....