Yet another new "diet"
So today I started another new diet, well an extension of every other way I seem to have tried this year. I write meal plans weekly, going through phases of they are a plan for "eating disorder recovery to get rid of the eating disorder voice" which would mean sticking to 3 meals, 3 snacks, not counting calories, not cutting out any food groups and accepting myself at the size I am. That doesn't work. I hated myself when I was literally half the weight I am now thinking I was too fat( I maintained a lower weight literally by starving myself, being sick, laxatives, diet pills and exercise...I never ate when I was at work....at one point I would go days without eating and have a Friday night "binge and purge session"...God knows how I managed to maintain working for the 17 years I did before my eating disorder made my physical and mental health so bad I couldn't work. I never wanted to give up work, work was my identity but I need to work on my issues so I can get back working.
That said, dieting triggers the eating disorder "voice" to get louder but I need to diet as I really can't deal with myself at this weight anymore. I will admit at the beginning of lockdown my bulimia got a bit rubbish because of the stress of the situation and that did trigger me to self harm a couple of times. So the other week I asked people advice on Facebook how they have successfully managed to lose weight and I got various good advice, but had a brain wave to try a special k diet, just because it is easier to make myself have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.
My eating disorder voice says the only way to lose weight is to not eat and be sick if I give in and eat it worked in the past but I am older and I have messed up my metabolism because of it. I spent all day Sunday writing down the calories in every item in my kitchen then wrote a meal plan which has an average of 1200 calories a day, which in an eating disorder mindset seems far too many, usually when I calorie counted when I was younger I would allow myself between 500 and 800 calories a day.
So today I had my special k for breakfast, I then lost track of time before I had to go on zoom for group therapy so missed my mid morning yogurt so then I spent the whole of the therapy session anxious thinking should I have the yogurt with my lunchtime special k which I did in the end, I had some strawberries for mid afternoon snack then was feeling down after this afternoon group therapy and was trying to plan when to have tea then was anxious about it so thought I would skip it but then I went to sleep for a couple of hours to give my head a break then I joined choir, I love choir and singing as you don't think about anything else when your singing ....intrusive thoughts creep in sometimes but generally it helps get rid of them. So after choir I was in a better mood and had quiche and roast Mediterranean veg for tea which is my favourite but I was having a bit of a battle with myself wether to not eat it, or eat it and be sick or try to fight all of that and eat it, I'm glad to say I stuck to my meal plan, and hopefully I can stick to eat. The biggest problem I have is it becomes an obsession, the only thing in my head 24/7 and the only thing that stops me thinking about it is to distract every waking moment which realistically you can't do.
Usually I become defeated, I see other people saying they have only half a stone to lose, I have a few stone to lose and it is so overwhelming, mentally I can't win either way...I will keep trying to keep trying and see what happens...
That said, dieting triggers the eating disorder "voice" to get louder but I need to diet as I really can't deal with myself at this weight anymore. I will admit at the beginning of lockdown my bulimia got a bit rubbish because of the stress of the situation and that did trigger me to self harm a couple of times. So the other week I asked people advice on Facebook how they have successfully managed to lose weight and I got various good advice, but had a brain wave to try a special k diet, just because it is easier to make myself have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.
My eating disorder voice says the only way to lose weight is to not eat and be sick if I give in and eat it worked in the past but I am older and I have messed up my metabolism because of it. I spent all day Sunday writing down the calories in every item in my kitchen then wrote a meal plan which has an average of 1200 calories a day, which in an eating disorder mindset seems far too many, usually when I calorie counted when I was younger I would allow myself between 500 and 800 calories a day.
So today I had my special k for breakfast, I then lost track of time before I had to go on zoom for group therapy so missed my mid morning yogurt so then I spent the whole of the therapy session anxious thinking should I have the yogurt with my lunchtime special k which I did in the end, I had some strawberries for mid afternoon snack then was feeling down after this afternoon group therapy and was trying to plan when to have tea then was anxious about it so thought I would skip it but then I went to sleep for a couple of hours to give my head a break then I joined choir, I love choir and singing as you don't think about anything else when your singing ....intrusive thoughts creep in sometimes but generally it helps get rid of them. So after choir I was in a better mood and had quiche and roast Mediterranean veg for tea which is my favourite but I was having a bit of a battle with myself wether to not eat it, or eat it and be sick or try to fight all of that and eat it, I'm glad to say I stuck to my meal plan, and hopefully I can stick to eat. The biggest problem I have is it becomes an obsession, the only thing in my head 24/7 and the only thing that stops me thinking about it is to distract every waking moment which realistically you can't do.
Usually I become defeated, I see other people saying they have only half a stone to lose, I have a few stone to lose and it is so overwhelming, mentally I can't win either way...I will keep trying to keep trying and see what happens...
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