Groundhog day, fluctuating mood and confidence bit of an issue...

I keep thinking back to Christmas time last year, I was feeling really positive, I was swimming regularly and had the best time at the choir ball. I was feeling positive about 2020 (like obviously alot of people ) and I had a perfect plan for this year.

I was still struggling alot with my mental health last year but usually my way of dealing with it is setting goals and plans. I spent 2019 mostly planning my life around choir gigs, volunteering at events for Bransby horses and then did a sponsored swim. At the end of last year I started a group therapeutic community for my mental health which is 3 days a week for 2 years. I was planning on doing some volunteer work alongside it, I actually worked out I haven't worked for 7 years due to my mental health.  I don't like being a "waste of space" as I would call myself and was hoping that I could have done more this year which obviously because of the caronavirus and the risk with my physical health problems I can't do much this year....which is frustrating.

I've had a sinus infection for months and my dr has put me on some antibiotics and I think they have affected a mood stabiliser I am on, so my mood is so all over the place at the moment, unfortunately alot of lows, and when I'm feeling low I get automatic thoughts that I have upset people and I'm not good enough, even when I'm singing with the choir which I love, the self doubt sets in and I'm really trying to fight it to not be emotional. I can get so overwhelmed so easily especially if learning a new song for example, if I don't get it straight away.  I remember last year at choir we were learning northern town, a song I really like now and I ended up crying because there was a bit in it I didn't get how it went. But then I will go away, listen to it and learn it and know it at gigs, I hate that I get so emotional over everything, I was hoping to be a fully functioning 40 year old next year.

Also socially things were looking up this year, I had planned to meet up with a friend from choir to go to the cinema  just as lockdown happened. Over the last couple of weeks it has been nice to catch up with 2 of my oldest friends who I rarely see but we have been friends years, it's just at my age people are married or in relationships, got kids and jobs. My life isn't where I want it to be in  so many ways.

I always thought I deserved to be dead by 28 ( the age my birth mum was when she died as a result of me being born), so I never had any dreams of getting married, having kids, as depressing as it is I just thought the only way I deserved to be alive was to help others  and now I just don't work and live on my own (with the lovely Arthur the cat and Alfred the Guinea pig). I have social anxiety and when my mood is low I feel even more self conscious and anxious. I'm hoping the way I'm feeling is just the reaction of my meds, I'm on the antibiotics for 6 weeks so hopefully will be ok after that or hopefully before.

We have a few weeks off choir for the summer holidays in a couple of weeks, and choir has helped me so much especially during lockdown although the last couple of years in general. So I'm going to start swimming again as a positive focus to try get fitter again and hopefully get back to feeling as good as I did at the end of last year again.

I always end up thinking out loud in my blog sometimes, I often feel like I often come across as 2 totally different people, smily and confident one say then an anxious, emotional wreck another day.

Anyway onwards and upwards....let's hope 2021 going to be an amazing year...