Overcoming anxieties and goals to be healthier...

For years I have been trying to get on top of my eating disorders, and my anxieties about not feeling good enough (as I have said in previous blog posts  I have avoidant personality disorder, a type of severe social anxiety and eating disorders which are connected  to each other.)

My eating goals which I'm trying to stick to and have done for the last week is to eat regular meals throughout the day rather than avoiding eating all day which leads to eating late at night, usually a days worth of food. I don't get as much opportunity to binge as I have given my bank card to my mum and am keeping binge type foods at their house so I only have some of it available at a time...what ever works is worth a try. Also I'm trying to be a bit more active and aiming to walk at least 3 times a week then will build it from there. I'm trying not to focus too much on the scales, although I do weigh myself daily, my weight has gone down this week but I need to tell myself if I put on a pound that doesn't mean I can't eat that day as regular eating is the only way to speed up metabolism, I know it in theory just need to not give in to irrational thinking about food.

My avoidant personality disorder links to my eating disorder in that I constantly feel I'm not good enough in most situations and then when I'm down on myself it spirals my eating disorder. Times in my life I have had no goals or anything meaningful is when my bulimia has been at it's worst and you don't care about any damage it is doing to you as you feel you deserve it anyway. Socially I have always felt overly self conscious and shy so my usual way of dealing with that even when I was working is to avoid any anxiety provoking situations. When I was working I usually worked alot of hours and work was my sole purpose in life to help others, but I learnt you need a healthy work , life balance which includes socialising and rest ...I often would work nights then teach horse riding in a day with only a few hours sleep in between. Once I stopped working it got to a point I was only socialising with other people with mental health problems and the only things we really had in common was our mental health and then it got to a point I was only going out with paid support workers until I joined a choir 2 years ago and I have been challenging myself to talk more to people and take part in choir stuff YOLO (you only live once). At the beginning of lockdown I didn't dare turn my camera on on zoom and was nervous to speak now I feel I probably talk too much although I've been told I don't and it's a good thing. I also sang on karaoke on zoom and have recorded myself singing for 2 choir videos which in the past I wouldn't have dared to do. I still think I'm not very good but tell myself an achievement is even trying in the first place.

Before I stopped working I was aiming to train as a mental health nurse after having worked in care jobs for 10 years, I was also aiming to pass my horse riding instructor exam as it was something I could do as well. I passed an access to nursing  course and a level 2 maths course and got accepted to Hull university to train as a mental health nurse. But I never felt I was good enough for university again, and whenever I am in a college and university environment, I always feel academically I'm not good enough ( I have always had to work hard to get average grades and when I was on the access to nursing  course I found out I am dyslexic and dyspraxic...i had always struggled with my memory and learning practical things and got rubbish co ordination so was good there was a reason and support)and socially it reminds me of my school days when I got bullied and so socially I feel not good enough too. So my fear of failure along with getting bullied by someone on the access to nursing course ( for having mental health problems by someone who is now a mental health nurse) and finding some birth family uncles which didn't work out well, I had the worst mental health crisis I had ever had. My self harm and suicide attempts and eating disorders escalated and I spent a year sectioned in hospital and since then have been scared to challenge myself to much in case it sends me back again. But I did pass my riding instructor exam in 2018, I also joined a choir in 2018 and have done gigs which although made me really anxious I have loved doing them and did some volunteering for Bransby horses horse rescue charity at their events talking to members of the public about the charity and often staff I have done them with have said how confident I have been ( I'm good at hiding my anxiety sometimes...if it gets too much I end up crying around a corner). 

So whilst we are in lockdown because of the caronavirus I can't move on much more towards getting back working again apart from doing some college courses as distance learning courses which I have been doing, I'm going to try do my GCSE maths as level 2 maths seem to run out every few years for things like nursing or some job roles and I was going to do some voluntary work in care and with riding for the disabled which I will do once it is safe from the virus again. In the meantime I will continue to enjoy choir where everyone has been supportive and friendly I have felt the most confident I have in a few years and also I have group therapy which we have been doing on zoom and for now I am avoiding going many places because of the fear of getting the caronavirus and having a heart condition...so I'm glad we have zoom for now it has been a godsend in lockdown. 

Sorry this was a bit of a long post in the end, just thought would do an update...