Fed up of valuing myself on weight

I have spent most of my life putting a value on myself based on weight (mostly because I feel not good enough in general), but I have spent too long, a good day being one I have lost weight and a bad day being one I have gained weight.

I yo yo so much and I'm trying to tell myself is "fat" the worst thing I can be. I wouldn't be able to lose the amount of weight I feel I need to lose to be ok with myself anyway, and I guess healthy is what I need to and am aiming for. That's why I want to start swimming again.

I read other blogs, see other peoples comments in eating disorder support groups where they are anorexic and feel they are superior and good at losing weight...that is my thinking in a disordered mindset (my bulimia came about after years of barely allowing myself to eat.....your body and brain give in eventually and the body instinctively needs food....that's why starving and restrictive diets lead to bingeing and weight gain and yo yoing). My rational mindset sees people who are severely ill with eating disorders as just that...ill, ultimately it wants to kill you...the disordered mindset will never be happy with your weight, it will always want to go lower, I know too many people who have died from their eating disorders. When my bulimia was at its worst even needing a pacemaker for my heart wasn't enough to stop me...in fact a couple of years later I thought I deserved to be dead for being fat.

I don't think that of other people, I see bigger people who are nice people, who have other qualities and talents, I don't base their value on what they look like. To be honest I don't like superficial people. I have worked and studied with people who will sit and talk about people who they don't know calling them fat or ugly or seeing couples saying why are they with each other based on one is too good for the other based on looks etc. I wouldn't want to be friends with superficial people anyway. You see pictures on Facebook and in the media slagging people off for their weight and it's so wrong.

So even if I hear other people talking negative about being bigger, I'm not going to let it make me want to not eat...which leads to eating too much eventually anyway.

I try to be like everyone else and do "normal diets" and when I have lost weight tell people, but I need to learn I can't be "normal " when it comes to diets and weight. If I can stick to regular structured eating and exercise and lose weight then it is how it is meant to be but I'm going to try go by clothes fitting better rather than a number on the scales.

I heard someone say something triggering this morning that made me think about this...but I'm trying to look at it the rational way. I have good qualities despite my weight (I'm trying to believe that).