Eating disorders never go and some days my positivity goes...

 Sorry this is a negative post but being honest where I am at. Recovery from any mental illness is never a straight road there are always hurdles and recovery doesn't mean cured just means better at dealing with. 

For me at my worst I get suicidal and self harm to deal with my eating disorder and apart from some minor self harm which hasn't been recently, I haven't taken an overdose since the end of 2018 and I am proud of that achievement. 

I am alot happier since then as have had choir and  supportive friends at choir but the rest of my life still isn't where I would have wanted it to be at nearly 40....and lockdown hasn't helped it. I've been eternally single and tbh I would do anyones head in to be in a relationship with anyone...I do my own head in...I don't think u can expect anyone else to like u if u don't like yourself and I'm getting better at it but not there yet. I didn't achieve doing my nursing and haven't even worked for 7 years so need to do some volunteer work or supported work to get my confidence back but most things are on hold until the pandemic is under control. Also I don't have local friends I see even when were not in a pandemic, since I was in hospital in 2015 my local friends lives carried on, friends moved away, got married, had kids, have busy lives with work etc. So even in a normal year normally we would meet a handful of times but be able to arrange meeting up for a meal out usually around each others birthday and the odd days out or camping trip but I spend alot of time on my own...now were in lockdown I can't officially even go around and spend some evenings with my parents and think am getting down about my birthday in 2 weeks.

I had wanted my birthday to be a celebration of reaching 40...I usually get down about my birthday I did last year and I do know why I have an age thing that I always thought I I deserved to be dead by the time I was 28 as that's the age my birth mum was when she died as a result of me being born and being a nurse and helping people was a way to justify being alive....my anxiety about fear of failure led to a year long suicidal crisis in 2015 which also tied in with how bad my bulimia gets. I had wanted to make my 40th a celebration of survival and that my life begins at 40 but I guess it's all on hold...I was hoping to have gone away for a weekend with my parents to a hotel and spa which were going to do when we can and I wanted to celebrate with friends instead will be in lockdown on own and don't want to break lockdown rules.



I try to convince myself that my bulimia will get better by positivity  but I need to deal with the underlying issues before it will get better I also need specialist eating disorder services to help me manage proper meal planning and how to manage eating disorder behaviours.  I have been trying to accept myself at a higher weight and I'm enjoying doing some group exercise and cooking healthier meals for myself with others from choir but when I'm down I do end up still bingeing on rubbish food and sometimes do have to be sick which obviously affects my physical health so along with other health problems and still getting over covid need to accept my limitations and listen to my body. Yesterday was a bad day, I've woken up with a headache today but hopefully going to see my horse later today he always cheers me up....he is often my reason to be alive literally some days but I can fight those suicidal thoughts but they never go. Some days I can genuinely be positive, some days I can fake positivity and other days I need to be open that I'm struggling.

I am in therapy for personality disorder, the therapy is for borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder so my moods are often up and down but my main diagnoses are avoidant and dependant personality disorders and bulimia but I can't get help for those parts so in therapy am working on the parts I can. For the anxiety based personality disorders I need to be able to be in situations where I can get more confident such as in work with support and socially again although I've got more confident talking to people on zoom. 

Sorry I know people probably think I'm weird and would probably agree but I can be a good weird, I do try and challenge myself and I am a work in progress but my issues have issues but am working on them as best I can.


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