Living with an eating disorder whatever your weight....no one can see whats going on in your head

 I've not done a blog post for ages and just struggling, would say a bit at moment but actually it's alot as usual. What people don't get is anorexia isn't when you can see your bones it's a mindset long before, then entrenched in you that burdens you forever. It makes you feel guilty about eating anything, wanting to lose weight to feel you are achieving something when you feel you can't achieve anything else, when you need to distract yourself from how bad you feel about yourself. For me bulimia comes in when I have to give in to eating then often end up eating too much. I used to plan eating so I would only eat if I could be sick to deal with the guilt of eating I wasn't sick because I had eaten too much for a normal person just felt guilty about eating anything and I still have that battle daily. I am rarely sick now but avoid eating some days then try get back on track (compensating for bingeing or eating by fasting or over exercise is still eating disorder behaviours) I tell myself I'm going to eat 3 regular meals and snacks but I can never stick to anything consistent. I have no hope of controlling my weight as i have days and weeks I barely eat often getting by on drinks like orange juice and hot chocolate then have weeks where I just eat rubbish and the odd week I can follow meal plans. It's really doing my head in.

I recently found out I have gerd/ reflux as I thought I had a sinus problem causing postnasal drip (excess mucus in throat) and my ears were blocking but ent said it was more likely gerd / reflux so just referred back to gp. I've really been trying to get on track with food but it's a losing battle, any meds I'm given I'm told take after eating as I don't often have regular meals and then often its evening before my head let's me eat its again going to be a losing battle. Eating disorder services wont help me due to me also being diagnosed with personality disorders ( which I was diagnosed with after I self harmed and got suicidal after years of not being able to get help with my eating disorder). Singing helped me stop being sick as much but I'm starting to think not being sick actually has made it worse, after 18 years I think my body doesn't know how it's meant to work properly anymore and to be honest my head gets tired of battling it daily too, being busy or sleeping are my 2 ways to deal with it although often can't sleep so more hours to overthink.  I half joked to my friend earlier that other people have real problems last week on choir I cried over feeling guilty over a piece of toast and couldn't get the words right to a song we were learning. How stupid does that sound. I do struggle living on my own and barely seeing friends even when were not in lockdown and social anxiety makes fitting in anywhere hard but they aren't really big problems compared with people with bigger things going on.

Don't actually know what the point of this was I guess was just saying there are still things I struggle with and it's a battle between wanting and needing to be healthy against the battle of mental and physical health meaning it's not that simple. Always up for suggestions if anyone has any. I try fight the mental side with positive reasons not to totally give into the eating disorder, it would love me to stay in bed, avoid food, avoid life but I want to be a good owner to Warwick and see him regularly, I want to be healthy for going back to choir and being able to do gigs, go on tours etc. and I don't want to die just being remembered for my mental health, I want to achieve more, I want to get back working even if only part time teaching horse riding or back supporting people, when my confidence allows me to, last time I put alot of pressure on myself I was aiming to be a mental health nurse and I could have been a good one, I wanted to do it for the right reasons, I genuinely cared when I was a support worker and wanted to be able to make more of a difference to the people I helped but then because I felt not good enough I thought I didn't deserve to be alive and was sectioned in hospital for a year, it was a combination of not being able to live with my eating disorder anymore and not feeling good enough which led to me feeling suicidal. I won't allow myself to act on those thoughts, I'm trying to find positive ways to deal with things and singing is the biggest thing I do that helps at the moment. 

Looks can be deceiving a smily face isn't always true to what's going on and body weight also doesn't show what's going on in someones head and I wish eating disorder services didn't base treatment on BMI.