Finally finding my confidence at 40

 I write so many of my blog posts on mental health awareness and my mental health journey but tonight I'm feeling so positive, 2 and a half years ago I never thought what I'm achieving now would ever have been possible.

I have a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder, a mental condition that causes extreme shyness, inadequacy, sensitivity to rejection and an inferiority complex. It is called avoidant personality disorder as basically you avoid all situations that cause you to be anxious, or run away from them...most social situations I've always struggled and avpd is a severe type of social anxiety, so I'm proud of how much I challenge myself and "feel the fear and do it anyway" and hope one day I will be the confident person I want to be.

Before joining choir 2 and a half years ago I barely went anywhere on my own apart from to the stables to see Warwick and some volunteering at events for bransby horses at their events. (in 2015 I was in hospital for a year for my mental health so my social anxiety got really bad once I left hospital again) I have a couple of old friends who I normally only see a couple of times a year due to their busy lives or not living locally, so I was seeing support workers 5 days a week just to get out as I was too socially anxious. At the end of 2018 I joined AFO choir and it has changed my life for the better. I've made some amazing friends and we have supportive choir leaders and I have been made to feel so accepted. When I first joined AFO choir I was so nervous but then in 2019 we did some amazing gigs. Lockdown has actually helped my confidence on zoom because we have been doing social nights and talent nights where we recorded ourselves singing or doing other talents and so I got more confident with other people hearing me sing and tonight bit the bullet and had a go at singing a solo at choir tonight. I was really nervous but so glad I had a go and do want to be able to try again sometime as think now I've done it once I will feel less nervous next time.

This week I also got asked to do some teaching at the riding school to cover some holiday cover but am also teaching a pony for the day next week which is teaching a group of kids to ride and look after their pony for the day which I always enjoy doing. I taught last weekend and although I hadn't taught for a few years and was really anxious my lessons went well and I'm proud of how far I have come. I haven't done paid work for 7 years but feel I'm finally getting my life back on track.

They say good things come in 3s choir got back to singing together again, I started teaching horse riding again and I've been referred to eating disorder services to finally help with the eating disorder that caused alot of my other mental health problems. 

So maybe life does begin at 40.....proud of how far I have come in the last 5 years....






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