Living my best life despite still having some struggles

















I haven't written a blog post for a while so felt like writing one. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday and sometimes when were feeling down we can forget all the good we have going on in our lives. I still get triggered by thinking about things from my past and the way some people have treated me especially when I was at school and college and got bullied I think because I was quiet and sensitive so an easy target so I always felt I didn't fit in and often the times I did have friends I had ones who used me when they had no one better and would arrange to meet me then not turn up or cancel last minute as they arranged with someone else or forgot then I would go home crying on the bus, thinking what was wrong with me. ( I will admit there was a time when I was a bit older I let friends down when I kept falling asleep and feeling ill because of my eating disorders). 

I now have a couple of good friends I've had for my adult life, but they either don't live local and / or have busy lives with jobs, kids, and are married or in relationships but when we arrange things together we have a great time and it's like we saw each other yesterday. 

This last couple of weeks I've met one friend for tea with her son which was nice, met a choir friend to go to the deep with her brother and went on a camping trip with another, the camping trip was the most productive one we have had yet, I planned a busy weekend and planned the food for the bbq and we actually did everything we planned, on the Friday we put the tent up despite me being a numpty and forgetting the poles to the 2 tents I took, my friend had a pop up tent which we used, it kept blowing over in the wind but with a bit of improvising with guy ropes and extra pegs we successfully put it up and it stayed up all weekend as the weather was kind to us. We went for a swim in the outdoor pool and then had a bbq and a good catch up. On the Saturday we cooked breakfast, went to the cinema and went to a wildlife park, had another bbq then went to an ABBA tribute night then on Sunday we packed up the tent, went for another swim then met a friend from choir in the teahouse in the woods before heading home. I'm proud I drove myself there as for ages I had been anxious driving far after having a break from driving because of my mental health but have been driving all over to Hull, Beverley,  Market weighton and driffield for choir sings and the more you do something the more confident you get I'm living by " feel the fear and do it anyway ". 

I've also made new friends from choir over zoom in lockdown and although they live over in Hull and Beverley we have been on a night out in hull and met for food and drinks before sings, something I would have avoided in the past Because of my social anxiety, and some choir friends came over to sing at mine the other night which was nice. My anxiety was telling me they would cancel but they didn't and its nice to feel I finally fit in somewhere doing something we all love together, singing. 

I'm back teaching horse riding and getting more confident again with it, and still got Warwick my pony who I love spending time with.

After a tough day at therapy yesterday, I had a mini crisis but one of the therapists reminded me that I am living my best life with all the positives, despite my eating disorder still being an issue, I'm trying not to let it get I the way of all the good things I have going on, and despite still getting fleeting self harm thoughts etc, I can now sit with uncomfortable emotions that lead to that and rationalise reasons not to act on it, im not saying its easy because its not but a life outside of hospitals is a much happier life than becoming institutionalised. I often get lonely living on my own, and often wish my life had took a more normal path to other people's who are 40. I've never had a proper relationship due to my social anxiety,  I've never liked myself so have never expected anyone else too and didn't want to be a burden to anyone, and find it hard to trust anyone, but I have supportive parents who have always been there for me and I'm so thankful they have stuck by me so I'm trying to live my best life with what I have.

Looking forward to getting back to choir and choir gigs after the summer and in the meantime I " just keep singing " as it distracts me from my negative thoughts....life can only get better.....❤

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stalemate with therapy

Image
 I often write my blog to express my frustration, not at individual services but at my frustration of trying to get the right help at the right time for my eating disorder, especially times I'm struggling more. I first asked for help for bulimia in 2002 after it affected me doing what was a dream job at the time looking after rescue horses and I had to move back home. That was when I first openly admitted my eating was a problem, before then I hadn't seen it as a problem and was in denial if anyone confronted me about it. In 2002, apart from some mild self harm when I was 14, I didn't self harm, hadn't took any overdoses, I just had text book bulimia. My gp at the time referred me to a community psychiatric nurse (who back then had very limited training in eating disorders unless a specialist) so I got no therapy, saw a few other nurses and psychologists over the years who told me they didn't understand eating disorders and after a few years a local eating disorder
Read more

Bulimia versus atypical anorexia, trying to feel hopeful about recovery

Image
 I'm always open about my eating disorders but recent years for me have proved eating disorders can occur at any size and size doesn't determine which eating disorder someone is suffering from. Sadly if someone in a larger body loses weight even if with disordered eating, they are praised or it's not seen as a problem as it's expected they needed to lose weight although eating disorder therapists say to recover from any eating disorder, weight loss shouldn't be the goal which is what makes recovery hard. For me I felt too fat even at lower weights even when normal or even underweight so now my eating disorder makes me hate myself more and it affects my anxiety and confidence in general.  At the beginning of last year my eating disorder became more atypical anorexia after following what started as a fairly sensible calorie counting diet. ( atypical anorexia has the same symptoms and medical risks as typical anorexia apart from the weight threshold so if someone even
Read more

All the voices in my mind....wish they knew it was a new year

Image
 I haven't written a blog post in ages and I never know how open to be, but I guess some people will judge or not understand, some will learn what it's like to live with an eating disorder and other mental health problems and some are supportive. It's easier to be open online rather than in person often, you don't want to bring the mood down when in alot of social situations and food is such a big part of life especially socialising but it's hard to explain to people why your struggling too. If someone is anorexic, it is visible, people see the person as ill and don't judge it but someone with anorexia didn't start at a visibly low weight, their eating disorder thinking and behaviour started long before and sadly often the way society is they will have been admired and praised for their weight loss regardless of how it was achieved or how mentally unwell the sufferer is. Often people with anorexia also have a history of bulimia and often switch between the 2
Read more