Eating disorder group therapy hopefully good news

 Another update, might as well keep updating on my recovery journey, barriers and hopefully getting some effective help.

A couple of years ago the eating disorder service wouldn't see me saying I didn't have an eating disorder and it was all personality disorder,  invalidating any past assessments including I was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010, and had cbt for eating disorders in 2012. So I joined a therapy for personality disorders to deal with my other mental health problems in the hope I could then get help for my eating disorder. 

For however long I can remember I've felt guilty Eating, bearing in mind I was never overweight until 6 years ago when mental health meds and other health problems caused me to gain alot of weight. In 2015 I was in a locked hospital with no access to food I was restricting some days having a jacket potato or slice of toast a day yet couldn't get below 15 stone, I definitely wasn't bingeing and if I ate more like brunch on a Saturday or Sunday dinner I would be sick after it. I actually binged more when I was smaller but I would plan to eat when I knew I could be sick then it was often a binge as it was the only food I would be eating once a day in an evening. I know people probably think I just overeat, I admit I eat chaotically but not in the same binge mode I used to as I try not to be sick now, whereas before I would eat with the intention of knowing I would be sick after, choir and singing has become a protective factor against alot of my mental health problems.  When I was younger I developed a " voice" that would tell me I was fat, I didn't deserve to eat, I'm a failure etc. and that is what drives my eating disorder and still does but I end up restricting then eating later on then feeling guilty for eating so then trying to not eat again. I don't just feel guilty about binges, I feel guilty about all food and if I didn't have anything in my life my head would love me to just not eat, the voice that makes me hate myself is the voice that made me self harm, I would literally bang my head on walls as eating makes that voice really loud and I often couldn't manage it, having positive achievements and distractions in my life does quieten the voice which is why I have thrown myself into choir but I still struggle alit in between.

Because eating disorder services wouldn't see me before I actually went on an overeaters anonymous group on zoom in lockdown as they said they dealt with people with bulimia.  But the people on there said food was their comfort and they made themselves sick so they could comfort eat and control their weight. I have never found comfort in food, it has made me hate myself my whole life, unfortunately we can't live without food and so it's a 24/7 battle,  I still get urges to self harm but I can stop myself,  I want to wear short sleeves and not feel ashamed, I want my scars to be a symbol of survival of my past. At overeaters anonymous it runs like alcoholics anonymous where you have a sponsor and you ring them with alcohol to stop you drinking with overeating to stop you eating but the time I battle with myself is when I haven't eaten then argue with myself wether to eat or not so the sponsor would tell me not to eat when I knew I hadn't eaten that day but still have the guilt of a binge. It's hard anyone understanding it when all they can see is I'm fat but I know it's not a weight disorder it's a mental health problem that I need to deal with.

So I had an assessment with the eating disorder services who have offered me a group therapy for people with bulimia and binge eating disorder to work on bingeing rather than restricting but I'm going to give it a go. It's for 10 weeks and we're the guinea pigs for the new service, hopefully it will help or if not they will offer something else that will but I'm hoping in the group we can relate to each other, in the personality disorder therapy I often feel an outsider as my self harm and suicide attempts stems from my eating disorder and social anxiety and self hate but most other people's in the therapy is caused by trauma so I feel my issues are trivial and stupid and misunderstood.

I want to get on top of this, wish I could get on top of my weight but I might have to accept my weight as it is, I just want the voice to finally go and not rule my life, it is hard living with a constant battle in your head, it mostly goes when I'm asleep or singing or with my horse but some bad days it is there distracting me even then.