Lightbulb moment....need to quieten the negative self thoughts

 I go to a group therapy for people with personality disorders and am waiting to start a group for eating disorders but I need to work on all the negative self doubting thoughts I have, not just about food but myself in general. 

We had some teaching on mentalization based Therapy today, I couldn't tell you alot of what was taught as I was stuck in my own Negative thoughts crying but then there was something in the teaching that made me realise its my own thoughts that make me feel worthless and I beat myself up over every little mistake I make, I don't expect anyone else to be perfect but I expect myself to be then get annoyed at myself when I'm not.

I've lived my whole life feeling inferior to everyone else, but I've had times in my life I have been able to challenge it more, I've been to uni, I got accepted to train as a nurse so I have had periods I have managed to push myself through my self doubt academically and at work.

Socially I've always felt I wasn't good enough, I feel I've always been stupidly shy and awkward, that's one of the issues I have in group therapy when I'm anxious I go really quiet, it's like I regress to the overly quiet child and teenager I was, at 16 I didn't even dare go in a shop on my own but my years as a support worker made me less shy and quiet, I have found at choir im now less shy because everyone has been so friendly and supportive to me, for years I've not trusted many people because of being bullied when I was younger so for years I focused on work and horses, I still love having Warwick but because I don't ride or compete I don't have friends at the stables, the staff and others at the stables are friendly to me but everyone just gets on with looking after their own horse....

The other night I was overthinking everything that's wrong in my life, I've always been single,  I get anxious about relationships as don't trust many people then would be scared to get close to anyone in case they hurt me or leave me or die but then it's lonely,  I'm terrified of losing my parents as they are who I'm closest too and don't feel I would ever cope with losing them but hope I've got quite a few years left with them yet, the riding school only use me as holiday cover for teaching and I've lost my confidence when I think of going back to work properly and then on top of all that my eating disorder is like a constant voice in my head telling me im not allowed to eat that I'm too fat to deserve to eat so then I end up restricting and  bingeing, I'm rarely sick now I won't say never, it was most days for 18 years its left its toll on my body, next year is the year I want to aim to get healthy and happy, I said to someone today I was at choir gigs at the weekend and I felt genuinely happy, it was really fun, I want more of those good times, I won't let any dark thoughts darken those times and it proves I can be happy and fit in with friends....




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