Makes me sad to see others struggling and proud i can push self destructive thoughts away more than i used to

 I was reading a friends blog about how much she hates herself and feels she deserves to hurt herself because of her weight as she has a history of eating disorders, It makes me feel so sad to hear of others in the same cycle I was in until 3 years ago of feeling you deserve to die or hurt yourself because of not feeling good enough to be alive.

I was always trying to find ways to justify being alive, I thought if I trained to be a nurse and was helping others I deserved to live but then I felt I wouldn't be good enough to do it and so I kept trying to kill myself. I was a good support worker in mental health and learning disabilities and was a good horse riding instructor but I always put myself down for everything I ever did wrong and I would self harm to punish myself every time I did something wrong, I hated myself for my weight always hating I was too fat but then hated everything else about me too, socially I always felt I wasn't good enough or academically but I have social anxiety and am dyslexic and dyspraxic and I'm slowly learning to be less harsh on myself, I've achieved alot considering my challenges and no one is perfect.

I know I always say it but joining choir was what helped me 3 years ago, I think it just came along at a time I was still feel quite hopeless about my life and was struggling alot with bulimia but choir gave me a positive focus again outside of mental health services and I think because everyone at choir is so friendly and supportive and we have so much fun, it has been a great distraction for me.

I think for me age came into it too, I was 40 last year and I don't want to die having not achieved anything,  I want to have made some sort of a difference and enjoyed more life before I go anywhere. 

I'm not saying my self destructive thoughts aren't there, I still struggle alot with food, I no longer make myself sick which I did for the best part of 18 years but i have to justify eating if I have choir, am teaching horse riding etc. I have to eat but other days I don't but at the moment I'm doing choir so much I feel I'm having to eat loads which my head often doesn't like and it can affect my concentration.  The other night I forgot some words to songs at choir, I normally know them but was tired, in the past going back a few years I would probably have self harmed, it now makes me sad that I felt so little of myself and it makes me even sadder that others feel that way.

I still often end up crying alot but I can stop myself acting on self destructive thoughts to self harm but I wish I could help others see how I manage to stop myself.  I still have bad days or nights but crying isn't life threatening. I am thankful I'm still alive, I did make some serious suicide attempts and it took other people stopping me being able to succeed at badly hurting myself but I feel like a different more confident person than I was back then.

I would love to fully recover myself from my eating and personality disorders after my therapy and want to get back to helping others .....


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