Nearly 41....what happened to life begins at 40...

I often get down around my birthday, last time I had to use crisis team was around about my birthday 2 years ago (although I've not had any severe self harm since end of 2018), but then last year I put a big thing convincing myself life begins at 40 and then it was in lockdown. I was thankful choir friends did me a zoom party and it made a lockdown 40th birthday a really good one and then once we came out of lockdown I had a night at a hotel and spa with my parents which was really nice.

What does " life begins at 40" even mean though. I spent so much of my life convincing myself I didn't deserve to be alive that I missed out on actually having any dreams. I really wish I could rewind the clock. At 30 I convinced myself if I trained to be a nurse I deserved to be alive and then I convinced myself I wasn't good enough and spent the worst year in hospital and haven't worked properlysince even though I consistently worked for 17 years before (ever since I was 12 i said I wanted to be a nurse and was a support worker for 10 years but I totally lost my confidence but  I want to find a way to get it back again)But then when I've been physically ill with life threatening heart failure and then meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia I got scared of dying as I want to achieve more with my life before I go anywhere. My birth mum died at 28 and her mum died in her 20s so I never thought I would get to 30 let alone 40.

I'm going to start volunteering befriending older people to help them feel less lonely which I think will also help me too to get more confident supporting people again and to feel useful again. I usually find even when my mood is really low I can pick myself up to help others and you do feel better after doing it. Even when I worked I had depression for years, often I would have to drag myself out of bed for a nightshift but dry shampoo, deodorant and smart clothes, no one knew any different until I kept ending up in hospital taking overdoses. 

I guess I did achieve some things in my 40th year, I got back teaching horse riding even if just holiday cover, did a solo at choir, drove all over for choir and gigs and made new choir friends but I still feel I've not achieved what " normal " 40 year olds have.

I have social anxiety so have only ever had a couple of close friends I've ever trusted and now they have busy lives, I've never had a proper relationship apart from one person who was my best friend for 8 years, then we got together for a few months but then he got with his ex best friends wife whilst I was in an eating disorder clinic and he was one person I did let my guard down with.....I guess I'm open, maybe too open but I can understand a relationship with someone with an eating disorder isn't the easiest so I guess I don't want to inflict my issues onto anyone else but then it does get lonely. Maybe I should get on the undatebles but think I would still be undateble lol.

I'm thankful I have my furbabies but they're not the same as human company. I love choir and it's uplifting when I go. I rarely miss choir but I've been struggling alot with eating disorder stuff and anxiety the last couple of weeks and then I'm not upto driving and don't go if I'm likely to cry at choir but I need to find my positivity back, I can usually find it for choir.

Last year I tried to convince myself I was aiming for healthy rather than losing weight but this year I was thinking I can't deal with being this fat but then I thought that even when I wasn't fat....I've been around in circles with eating disorders over the years and been high and low weight but my head is only ever happy when I don't eat until I feel physically rubbish then the rational part tells you, you should have eaten and then you eat often a days worth of food that your body needed. This time as always happens it was triggered by convincing myself I could do a " special k " diet and still function but then I ended up just not having the special k and having no food all day because I " wasn't allowed it and then it affects my mood and anxiety. And I can't even lose weight with it now, I know to lose weight I would have to eat regularly all day and I never seem to be able to do it due to the ed "voice" .when I was younger I only kept my weight down in unhealthy ways by being sick every day so now I think it's messed up my metabolism and caused other health problems, all I can be is a warning to other people don't waste your life obsessing over weight and hating yourself over a number on the scales.

I need to get my fight back though, I can't let it win, I'm supposed to be getting eating disorder therapy to hopefully finally get on top of it but it's been a problem 20 or more years probably nearer 30, it was where my mental health problems began and it makes the rest of my mental health problems harder to deal with. I always bounce back, I'm a survivor " there's still a fight left in me" yet........











Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stalemate with therapy

Image
 I often write my blog to express my frustration, not at individual services but at my frustration of trying to get the right help at the right time for my eating disorder, especially times I'm struggling more. I first asked for help for bulimia in 2002 after it affected me doing what was a dream job at the time looking after rescue horses and I had to move back home. That was when I first openly admitted my eating was a problem, before then I hadn't seen it as a problem and was in denial if anyone confronted me about it. In 2002, apart from some mild self harm when I was 14, I didn't self harm, hadn't took any overdoses, I just had text book bulimia. My gp at the time referred me to a community psychiatric nurse (who back then had very limited training in eating disorders unless a specialist) so I got no therapy, saw a few other nurses and psychologists over the years who told me they didn't understand eating disorders and after a few years a local eating disorder
Read more

Bulimia versus atypical anorexia, trying to feel hopeful about recovery

Image
 I'm always open about my eating disorders but recent years for me have proved eating disorders can occur at any size and size doesn't determine which eating disorder someone is suffering from. Sadly if someone in a larger body loses weight even if with disordered eating, they are praised or it's not seen as a problem as it's expected they needed to lose weight although eating disorder therapists say to recover from any eating disorder, weight loss shouldn't be the goal which is what makes recovery hard. For me I felt too fat even at lower weights even when normal or even underweight so now my eating disorder makes me hate myself more and it affects my anxiety and confidence in general.  At the beginning of last year my eating disorder became more atypical anorexia after following what started as a fairly sensible calorie counting diet. ( atypical anorexia has the same symptoms and medical risks as typical anorexia apart from the weight threshold so if someone even
Read more

All the voices in my mind....wish they knew it was a new year

Image
 I haven't written a blog post in ages and I never know how open to be, but I guess some people will judge or not understand, some will learn what it's like to live with an eating disorder and other mental health problems and some are supportive. It's easier to be open online rather than in person often, you don't want to bring the mood down when in alot of social situations and food is such a big part of life especially socialising but it's hard to explain to people why your struggling too. If someone is anorexic, it is visible, people see the person as ill and don't judge it but someone with anorexia didn't start at a visibly low weight, their eating disorder thinking and behaviour started long before and sadly often the way society is they will have been admired and praised for their weight loss regardless of how it was achieved or how mentally unwell the sufferer is. Often people with anorexia also have a history of bulimia and often switch between the 2
Read more