Trying to be pro active and positive.....not saying its always easy

 I originally started writing my blog as an insight into my recovery journey and to help people understand what it's like to live with eating and personality disorders. There was a time when I was really mentally unwell I was open with posts such as " another failed attempt" obviously people who knew my mental health problems knew what I meant and obviously it wasn't the best things to put but thankfully I'm not in that place now and like I said I was really unwell at the time. I still have times I still struggle alot and am open about the ups and downs as recovery isn't cure it's learning to " have a life worth living " despite your difficulties in the words of Marsha Linehalm who wrote DBT therapy. 

I'm still in therapy for my personality disorders which is now getting extended whilst I wait for eating disorder therapy to start and to also have support to continue moving forward with my life. 

I have struggled recently with my eating disorder and then that impacts on the rest of my mental health and my mood but i'm not going to let it beat me. Loneliness is a big trigger for me, but at the moment social anxiety/ avoidant personality disorder means I have too much anxiety to trust anyone to have a relationship but I didn't choose to live alone either. So I decided that I'm going to volunteer as a befriender for older people as they are often socially isolated and physically or mentally unable to get out to see anyone. I know what it's like to be too depressed and anxious to go out but no one visit or rarely get in touch, that's why I originally had support workers to go out with after leaving hospital as I was spending alot of time on my own and stuck until I suddenly one day decided to Google choirs in Grimsby and I now have a more normal social life although I still spend alot of time on my own, so decided to be proactive and start finding more purpose in my life. I enjoy helping people and do want to go back to work supporting people. 

My head  always has the self destructive thoughts and it would be so easy to fall into the trap of letting it take over fully, sometimes I do lose the strength to fight them but fully giving in would mean ending up dying or in hospital and I have too much to live for, life is for living, I have my gorgeous furbabies Wozza, Arthur and Alfred I'm responsible for, I have my flat which although is on my own is my home not a hospital, I have choir which I love and I don't want to die having not achieved more with my life and there is so much more I want to experience and enjoy. It is harder when life isn't going well that I lose some of my fight but in the past my disappointing Christmas would have ended up in a and e but I didn't, the thoughts and urges were there when I was really upset but i had just got Chester my guinea pig and I could mostly push the thoughts away apart from some minor self harm at Christmas which I hadn't done for ages, not sure I should mention that as was about trying to be positive and proactive but I guess I'm being positive and proactive by setting future goals and plans rather than dwelling on it or letting it escalate.

I was getting drawn into a restrictive diet and it was making me feel physically unwell and I have been feeling physically tired since I had covid and my pacemaker is due a battery change soon so I need to find my "wise mind" that although I hate myself and my weight I also need to be healthy to have my battery changed as my eating disorder does make my heart problems worse and I need to be healthy to achieve my goals....it's not easy, no one can be 100 percent positive but I have more happy times now than I used to and long may they continue 








 


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