Update on eating disorders therapy

I was thinking I haven't done a blog post for a while. I'm generally feeling positive with my mental health but struggling a bit with physical health but have some goals and I think that's helping me try use eating disorder therapy whilst I've got it. Next year our choir is going to Florence and I really want to go so need to focus on being physically and mentally well enough to go and also I'm back working part time and need to be able to carry on. My pacemaker is also due a new battery in the next couple of months so I need to be as healthy as possible to get it done as last time I had it done was in 2015 and I was told there was a high risk of dying as my heart was only functioning at 20 percent but thankfully it improved and that's partly due to being less self destructive than I was then with self harm and overdoses and swimming improved my fitness.

My self harm and overdoses were because of hating myself and my weight and not feeling good enough in general and I think when you have really given up on yourself it is easier to give in to the eating disorder "voice " that controls you. I feel that people will think that because I'm overweight I obviously have binge eating disorder but it has always been bulimia/ eating disorder not otherwise specified a combination of anorexic and bulimic thinking and behaviour. 

Before therapy I was in a constant cycle of restricting due to feeling guilty about eating always believing all food is bad and makes you fat (it gets where you genuinely believe that) but then obviously having to give in and eat which then often ends up a day's worth of food over a short space of time. For many years I would be sick daily after that "binge" and that is how I kept my weight down. If I didn't throw myself into loads of goals I would just stay in bed avoiding food as that's when my thoughts around food are calmer.

However in about 2014 after alot of overdoses and being on an antidepressant medication called mirtazapine I gained alot of weight. In 2015 I had heart failure which caused water retention on my stomach and I actually lost 2 stone in water weight on water tablets but whenever I try say to a Dr is there now a physical reason why my weight has gone up I'm just told to lose weight ( in 2015 I was in a locked hospital sectioned, I didn't have access to food unless I asked for it as even spoons were locked away. Most days I had a jacket potato and toast, I often went a few days without eating and on a Saturday we had a cooked brunch and Sunday we had a Sunday dinner but I would be sick after those yet I couldn't get below 15 stone. 

I had some eating disorder CBT therapy back in 2012 but I also was unstable with self harm and self destructive thoughts so was unable to engage with it. I was supposed to get psychology too to help deal with underlying reasons for my mental health problems too but the psychologist left and I had the 20 sessions of CBT with a really good therapist but she left and I was still unstable and got more suicidal it got where there was a mantra in my head that I was fat and deserved to die, and it becomes impossible to not act on the thoughts when they are so strong. I find the only way to fight the thoughts is distraction which I do singing with choir and in general, having life goals and reasons to stay alive and staying connected with people. A sign I'm struggling mentally is when I distance myself from people and Warwick my horse as then I convince myself everyone would be OK if I wasn't here. It's the same reason I try to be around people as much as possible too as the more time you spend on your own isolated when you live on your own with self destructive thoughts the more those thoughts come back. As far as self harm of any sort I have to give myself reasons not to act on them, in summer a big one is I want to be able to wear short sleeves as much as possible like a normal person although I'm embarrassed by my scars, I wouldn't be able to at all if had any fresh cuts. I still have to wear long sleeves for work as a carer or when teaching children as feel I'm more likely to be judged more and not all parents or other staff would be understanding. 

Anyway I started this post saying it was an update on eating disorder therapy this time because I'm more able to control other thoughts I can focus totally on the eating disorder therapy and I'm trying as best I can with it. I'm told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but it is hard to always fit it in on busy days, some days I don't eat enough then have to eat more later on if I've felt ill and I have had some days mentally or physically I have had to be sick (it's so much more acceptable to talk about anorexia and restricting than bulimia but unfortunately it's the reality sometimes). I'm only getting 10 sessions of cbt and my head just wants to focus on losing weight but I've only ever been able to successfully do that  was by being sick every day and I know times I do it now it affects  my physical health alot more than it used to and because I'm more in control of suicidal thoughts I'm scared of dying in the past I didn't care and it didn't scare me, I guess that's why it's hard to treat people with Eating Disorders who also have personality disorders/ suicide ideation as cbt helps teach the physical risks of carrying on with the eating disorder but when you have given up on yourself you can't see it. The therapy I'm having isn't to focus on weight loss but just a healthier relationship with food without eating disorder thinking and behaviour but I'm hoping if I can stick with it and get back into swimming I will lose weight. I've got a ball dress to fit into for the choir Christmas ball, I love the dress so hope I can do it but if not I will get another dress nearer the time whatever size I am.

I'm 41, I've spent too many years hating myself, maybe it's time to find reasons not to and I'm getting better at it and just want to be healthy there is more life I want to enjoy before I go anywhere.