Having an eating disorder in an overweight body (summer is the time we all strive to lose weight along with new year)

 It probably sounds like I make excuses for being overweight maybe I feel I have to justify why I'm "fat". I hate being this fat but until about 8 years ago I was never overweight. 

I'm having CBT therapy for bulimia/eating disorder not otherwise specified and one of the exercises the therapist often does is get you to ask people if they think your overweight  (to try counteract your own negative judgement of yourself) but as I am overweight and other people also agree with me when I complain about being overweight that would be pointless. 

I'm a long way from the weight I would need to be to stop hating myself because of my weight, even at times I've been underweight I thought I was too fat. An eating disorder voice will never be happy. That's what drove my self harm, to punish myself for eating and being too fat and then for everything else I " did wrong" too.

When I was younger my eating disorder started alot to do with not feeling good enough and not being good at anything so I was good at losing weight but my head would only have been happy to stick to restricting but bulimia took over. For me restricting leads to bingeing then having to be sick to get rid of the guilt of eating and then restricting in the hope that I can continue restricting to get to that weight where even society and Dr's expect you to be to be " socially acceptable" and healthy. 

How am I ever going to get rid of those thoughts I don't know, I've been trying to eat regularly it was supposed to be 3 meals and 3 snacks but then I cut that to 3 meals and snacks if I need them.

I feel at the moment my life isn't where is should be. I have pathetic achievements for someone my age. If I could rewind the clock I wouldn't plan my life as if I was going to die young ( my birth mum and her mum died in their 20s, I thought I deserved to die young too). So I never had true dreams or ambitions. When everyone else talked of getting married, having kids, travelling,  a career I emotionally distance myself from life, thought I only deserved to be alive if I was helping people but then when I was going to go to uni to train as a nurse I never believed I was good enough and I had a year long Suicidal crisis, so now I'm an agency carer again after 7 years of not working, I do the best job I can do and I genuinely care but often places are understaffed so staff you work with become task orientated and don't treat the service users as people and often don't even talk to them it makes me so sad and the shifts can be lonely and depressing.

Sorry having a vent as I know my life is what triggers my eating disorder and when I'm down about life in general that's when my life focus becomes about losing weight. 

I sing in a choir and I make that my positive focus and I love being in our choir and the friends I have at choir and its a good distraction from where my thoughts go when I'm at home, choir is my happy place along with the stables with Warwick my pony. In public I come across as bubbly and confident and chatty but then I go home, analyse everything I think I did and said wrong and often end up crying and get really lonely living on my own. I'm so thankful I have my furbabies as they need me and I love and need them and I love when friends are free to catch up.

Sorry feeling a bit negative today.







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