Self harm...im ashamed of my scars but then feel being open about them helps people understand

 Every summer I have the same problem that it's hot and I have scars on my arms and I feel self conscious so end up putting jackets or jumpers on and off, it's not because I get cold it's that I feel self conscious and embarrassed. 

A friend who also writes a blog recently wrote about why someone would hurt themselves and its different for everyone. For me it's when I get too emotional as in I wouldn't just be calm and think it was a good idea to cut my arm or bang my head on a wall. I dissociate and lose control. My self harm has mostly been linked to bulimia and I would self harm to punish myself for eating and being sick, I hate it all and it's like then a switch is triggered to self harm. 

I can only describe it as  if you imagine having a really strong emotion and you need to release it, mostly I can sit with the feelings unless I'm having a really bad day and the negative self hating thoughts take over.

For anyone that knows someone who self harms, it doesn't mean they can never handle a sharp knife or scissors it's recognising what they are feeling like at the time. I wouldn't be cutting vegetables then suddenly think I'm going to self harm. There was a time I was so out of control with self harm I was sectioned in hospital to keep me safe in a locked hospital. But even in there I found ways like hiding spoons in my jumper pocket ( you can self harm with a broken spoon even with staff with you) but it's learning how to manage the feelings yourself. I have stupid reasons not to do it like I will look stupid with obvious fresh self harm. There was a time I bandaged my arms up and wore long sleeves to work as a carer but I felt like I was living a double life, a sane responsible carer and an unstable mess which I had to leave at the door to work. I do find work stressful but I don't want it to set me back so I'm open about my scars and I hope they can stay a thing of the past. I've not made any suicide attempts since 2018 which I'm thankful for but I have self harmed occasionally at stressful times but I try keep a lid on it but I guess it's like for a smoker or an alcoholic it will always be there and you have to stay aware of it.

Just felt like writing a blog post it's time I accepted my scars are part of my life journey and none of us knows anyone's story and I guess by being open about it in my blog it helps me be more open.



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