Why is everyone judged on what they look like rather than their other talents and personality and aiming for eating disorders recovery

 Yesterday I got a certificate through from beat the eating disorder charity as a thankyou for fundraising for them with a birthday fundraiser.  We live in a society where weight loss is praised and people are judged for being overweight or even a normal weight.

If I go in a shop the magazine shelves are full of front page headlines of " how I lost weight" or criticising celebrities for what they look like if they have gained weight or praising weight loss even if they weren't overweight. 

The diet industry cashes in on people's insecurities. But fad diets don't work, so many people do certain diets and come on and off them and yo yo with their weight.

Its something I worry about as it was eating disorders that damaged my physical and mental health and I have had friends die from eating disorders either directly or problems relating to their obsession to achieve the perfect weight and I don't want anyone else to go down the same paths.

I've known people develop alcohol dependency to deal with bulimia, drinking to avoid eating thinking that was the better option to bingeing and purging although alcohol can make that worse too, I know I would drink alcohol on nights out when I was younger to avoid eating and then being drunk was a good excuse to be sick when I did eat blaming the alcohol. I've known people die from taking diet pills and often commercial diets are advertised as healthy but can cause physical health problems,  people died from the Atkinson diet, any diet done to the extreme can develop into an eating disorder, even a low calorie diet if followed until an unhealthy low weight can develop into an eating disorder, most anorexics eat as no one can long term live with no food, in the past I would only allow myself 500 or 800 calories a day despite working in active jobs with horses , I was always weak and dizzy, slow at my job and was pale and felt unwell.

Obviously not everyone who diets has or will develop an eating disorder but if someone has low confidence, eats or doesn't eat to deal with emotions a diet can soon click into an obsession. People are praised for weight loss despite losing weight with eating disorder behaviour I was praised for losing weight in the past or people thought I was healthy when I was smaller it was maintained with diet pills, being sick, laxatives,  over exercise and starving but nhs criteria for eating disorders often is based on a very low bmi and a normal bmi is actually a low range according to the NHS. At 5 ft 8 the NHS suggests I can be 8 and a half stone and in healthy range, I was 10 and a half stone in an eating disorder clinic with severe bulimia affecting my heart. As an adult my weight has ranged between 8 and 18 stone, I thought I was too fat at 8 stone 😪 I was probably at my healthiest at 15 stone I was swimming daily and eating enough food to have the energy to swim without being obsessive.

Ironically the ways I lost weight in the past led to me being overweight, the antidepressants I ended up on to deal with the self harm and suicidal thoughts I had because of my self hate around my weight caused me to gain weight. I took alot of overdoses sometimes the only way to stop me binge eating was to be physically ill in hospital and other times those overdoses were to try to kill myself as I couldn't cope with the voice constantly telling me I was fat and deserved to die. The overdoses led to heart failure and chronic kidney disease and my liver function isn't normal all lead to water retention making it hard to lose weight as its water not fat. For me when my heart failure was at its worst I gained weight around my stomach and lost 2 stone in water weight in 2 weeks. Weight on the scales isn't always just because someone is fat.

I'm now in CBT therapy as I'm now a "fat bulimic " I'm often ashamed to admit that, some people have anorexia and bulimia and will be open about their anorexia but not the bulimia having people believe they are anorexic due to not eating and often people are praised for their eating disorder when they lose alot of weight until they are visibly unwell due to their obvious low weight or hospital admissions for physical and mental complications of their eating disorder.  I'm told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks which I find hard I feel people will think I'm constantly hungry and because I'm fat it must be because I constantly over eat but I feel sick all the time when I'm not in therapy my thoughts are calmer when I don't eat but then I would need to eat when I felt physically unwell and would eat something like 4 donuts and orange juice or a hot chocolate with sugar to bring my blood sugar up. When I'm feeling anxious and depressed it's harder to restrict food and that's when I would/ will binge and purge because of the guilt of eating and sometimes I feel like giving in and staying home and letting the eating disorder win by staying in bed and avoiding eating or daily bingeing and purging that is why I have been throwing myself into going to choir alot, getting back to work, having life goals and trying to spend regular time with Warwick. 

I'm really trying to stick to what my therapist tells me to do but some days I'm really physically tired so in bed alot so can't fit food in  other days I'm busy out and about and don't find time or feel anxious eating with other people and it's embarrassing when I have a public meltdown over food but I want to be healthy and not feel physically unwell and tired all the time, I enjoy swimming and hope by regularly swimming it will keep me fit and healthy for when I get a new pacemaker battery ( my bulimia made a hereditary heart condition worse and I was told I would die without a pacemaker).

Sorry for long blog post, I wish for everyone to be healthy and happy whatever size body that is in and don't be fooled like me and others that thin means healthy or happy, im trying not to give into my warped thinking, some days it's harder than others.

If anyone is worried that themselves or others are struggling with any eating disorder ring the beat helplines or use their online services and go to a gp or contact their local eating disorder services for advice and support. ❤