Gave into diet marketing

 I've been having CBT for eating disorders for a while now, I've had 9 of 10 sessions then will have a 1 month and 3 month follow up. I was getting told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but as much as I tried as best I could I didn't fully stick to it, cycling between throwing half eaten meals away then bingeing. 

I've been doing a sponsored swim and been quite active at choir, trips away and the stables so have lost weight but I haven't found a consistent way I trust.

I have been told many times if you eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups, your body will find its set point weight but it takes a long time to find it so I'm scared to try it on my own as dont know exact portion sizes etc.

So I've given in to a fad diet that keeps showing up as an advert on my Facebook (that's great that I put lots about eating disorders on my Facebook and blog yet Facebook has tried to sell me a diet). I normally do a monthly food shop and I got a cost of living payment so ordered a month worth of meal replacement shakes, bars and low calorie packet meals for an 800 calorie a day diet. My eating disorder therapist said she's concerned the effect it will have on my mental health but I told her mentally I'm struggling being the size I am and often cry about it and it's so hard to not self harm it is pure willpower that stops me self harming. I have been so close to self harming as I think even if I never do it again I have lots of scars that everyone can see in hot weather, so then I neatly give into it when my self gating thoughts take over. Mentally food, weight and body image is hard whatever is going on. 

When I see people who are low weight my eating disorder tells me that is my goal and no weight will ever be low enough but I try fight it with what I would lose if I give into the eating disorder. I used to be sick alot to deal with the guilt of eating but last few times I did it I was getting shooting pains in my arms and was scared of it affecting my heart, I didn't used to care if I died but I'm not suicidal at the moment so scared of dying, there are things I want to achieve and enjoy before I die.

I'm finishing a sponsored swim for July so not cutting calories until after I finish that but then in August my pacemaker due a new battery so I won't be able to swim for 6 weeks so am scared I will gain my weight back if I don't do something drastic. The diet products I've bought can be used totally for an 800 calorie a day diet or for 2 meals then have a 600 calorie main meal and 2 100 calorie snacks which might be more sensible long term, I really wish food didn't exist and we didn't need it to live and everyone was just naturally the same healthy weight, wouldn't life be simpler.

I need to stay healthy though too so I will try be sensible and fight the eating disorder thoughts that always try to take over. 





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