Honest update trying to stay positive

 On the 1st of August I started a diet just after finishing 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders. I have had some therapy for eating disorders in 2012 and was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010 so I know in theory to eat 3 meals, 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups and apparently we have a set point weight. However I have never been able to follow it for long enough with support to test that theory, the eating disorder " voice" always sabotaged it and I end up restricting then bingeing as get hungry and cave in then make myself sick to try compensate and my weight has yo yoed as an adult as the only way I could keep my weight low was to be sick every day after most meals, I know my body won't take much more of that so now I'm fat. A combination of after effects of years of bulimia,  mental health meds and water retention after having heart failure made me gain weight. 

My head is constantly obsessed with how to avoid eating, how to lose weight but then I feel guilty every time I do eat, it's why my self harm and suicide attempts got so bad and it does get so hard not to act on those thoughts especially at night when there are no distractions.

When I started eating disorder therapy in April I think it was I was doing the 3 meals, 3 snacks and mostly sticking to it with a couple of bad days bingeing and purging but I lost about a stone during my time in therapy. 

I did then tell my therapist I was planning this diet Facebook kept advertising to me and she said its not reccomended if got an eating disorder but I really had to try find a proper diet that I can lose weight on, the 3 meals, 3 snacks might make me maintain and I hate myself fat, even when I was smaller in an eating disorder clinic I thought I was too fat, so now I know I'm huge.

I had nearly a full month of following the 1200 calorie diet, eating more on active days teaching horse riding or night shifts and in a month lost another 11 pounds but then had couple of bad nights but got to be strong  getting my pacemaker battery done on Friday and got to be healthy, being sick really isn't an option, just need my thoughts to calm down but I think when I'm anxious in general it triggers the eating disorder voice and the thoughts take over....I need this diet to work though even just to get back down to pre lockdown weight. I really wish food didn't exist life would be so much simpler 😪

Anyway need to sleep and need to aim for healthy.....







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