Still sticking to "diet" to recover from ED

 I'm always honest in my blog and I have always been open that bulimia has still been an issue for me, it's the one part of my mental health I've struggled to get on top of, it was where my mental health problems began and my self harm and suicide attempts were mostly linked to my eating disorder ( although there were other triggers too). I've managed not to self harm since Christmas and haven't taken any overdoses since 2018 and am proud of that as recently I have been putting more pressure on myself by doing some work again in care.

I've just finished 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders and the focus was meant to have been on eating 3 meals and 3 snacks, not focusing on weight although weight loss could have happened as a result. But I didn't have a consistent meal plan and was still giving in to bingeing and purging sometimes. I did lose a stone but not in a consistent way and knew my therapy was coming to an end.

Facebook advertised a diet to me and I know other people had lost weight on a similar diet so decided to give it a go. I'm normally against the diet industry as they cash in on people's insecurities but I gave into it. It is an easier way to calorie count. I have been tempted to cut my calories to 800 but I'm trying to keep my sensible head and stick with 1200, more if I feel ill ( I know I can't trust myself with trigger foods so I have small cartons of apple and orange juice if I feel my blood sugar go low which it often does). I went shopping last night for food for a camping trip at the weekend, ice to put in my diet milkshakes and guinea pig supplies. It was hard as I could feel bulimia binge mode thinking coming in, it would have been so easy to give in and buy a load of crap food I didn't even want and binge and purge on it....but I didn't, im motivated that my scales are going down sticking to the diet and eating 4 times a day and all I bought extra were some skinny bars, 99 calorie cereal bars, meal replacement bars and cup a soups which I have for supper with a slice of toast. I'm hoping to fit in my ball dress at Christmas and I'm fed up of seeing how fat I am.

My eating disorder therapist didn't think it was a good idea doing this diet but I was thinking I'm having to deal with food on my own again and because I have paid the money for the diet it is also motivation to stick to it. I do become obsessed with calorie counting but that is safer than being sick or other ways I've often used to lose weight. My pacemaker is due a new battery next week and my head is in survival mode rather than suicidal mode so that makes it easier to fight eating disorder thoughts...I'm hoping I've got this

I'm not cutting out any foods, just having the diet meals twice a day and a main meal calorie counted including meals out where I just ate less or work out the calories off a menu and have a cup a soup and slice of toast in an evening as that was my worst time for bingeing













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