At a crossroads diet / eating disorder



 I wish I could call a failed diet just that but I tried to recover from bulimia with a diet and then the diet has triggered bulimia again so now I'm stuck again.

I thought my diet was the answer it told me what to eat and how much and I have been losing weight mostly in the proper way with some eating disorder behaviour but then the last few days bulimia has come back with a vengeance. For me by trying not to eat I end up bingeing then purging. I have never got comfort from food but some foods trigger me to binge when I eat them.

I really think maybe I should do a complete meal replacement diet as then there won't be any trigger foods and then I don't know what calorie limit to do.

I had 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders and was told eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but wasn't told what to have and when and seeing someone for an hour for 10 sessions doesn't deal with every meal every day so now I'm having to do it on my own.

I've been trying to get eating disorders help for years but back in 2015 although I was self harming and suicidal because of my bulimia I would get told the hospital I was in didn't deal with eating disorders and because I was a high weight bulimic rather than low weight anorexic couldn't get any help. I had staff with me 24 hours a day and wouldn't eat for days at a time or be sick when I did but due to meds and water retention because of heart failure at the time i couldn't get below 15 stone so no one took my eating disorder seriously.

I have a follow up this week with the eating disorder therapist I've been seeing she recommended not doing the diet but also I wasn't losing weight fast enough any other way and not getting longer term support to test out their theory. I got on with the therapist but my thinking hasn't changed at all, an eating disorder voice is with you 24/7 and it does my head in. I know I focus on my weight when I feel not good enough in life in general but I also want to lose weight to be healthier and look better as I hate myself fat although when I have been low weight I thought I was too fat.

I can manage to use my own willpower to not self harm so I need to get back to doing the same with my bulimia, but it's hard.

In 2019 I did a sponsored swim I swam 22 miles in 12 weeks but at the moment I can't swim and I think if I canget back to exercising it will make the eating and purging easier to manage.

Tomorrow is a new day and I need to get determined.....I want to be healthy I don't want to let my bulimia drag my mental health down....

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