Maybe my purpose is to help people

I've always worried what people think of me and wanted and needed to fit in, but I've  learnt in this life the only people I can rely on is myself and my parents and I do try to be self sufficient, I live on my own so not totally dependent on other people and the only people I have ever been dependent on are my parents and mental health workers otherwise I just try to be friendly to people, if they're friendly and talk back its nice if not someone else will. 

It is nice to have human company obviously, non of us are an island but I have my furbabies and I try to get on with most people, life is too short to be bitter with people, all you can ever be is yourself. 

I've never been good at friendships or relationships so I always focused on work, I know I can be a numpty and take alot to learn stuff or when I'm anxious end up crying but I always try my best and I do genuinely care and put 100 percent into anything I do.

I've been down lately, I started volunteering for friendship at home a charity that befriends older people because I can understand what it's like to feel lonely but I can at least get out, alot of older people don't have their health to get out anymore and their friends and partners have died and children have busy lives so they spend alot of time on their own. I was seeing a lady for 6 months and sadly she died recently so obviously that affected me but I am going to meet another man to befriend as although I'm upset about the lady, there are other older people needing the help.

I was accepted to volunteer for St john ambulance cadets but occupational health never got back to me after I told them I was classed as having limited capability to work but that I did do a 12 hour care shift a week so was capable of helping teach cadets 2 hours a week but I guess it wasn't to be.

Since I stopped going to a group therapy 3 days a week i have had alot more free time but i think i have had long covid since the first time i had covid so im always tired but i need to do more so have offered to help with riding for the disabled, i spoke to them last week and going to start next week and going to try get back into horse riding regularly even if only once a month, need to find my passions back. I love choir and singing and that has become a big part of my life its uplifting to sing with others and make friends with other like minded people and we have fun and I'm working part time and doing my volunteering. 

I know I don't have a conventional life and I feel people think I'm lazy but I used to be able to do alot more, health has caught up with me I used to often work 60 hour weeks and look after Warwick my horse myself going twice a day before and after work.

Anyway I'm trying to make myself useful and hopefully if my existence helps one person or animal it is worth it....









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