Christmas is hard with an eating disorder....so is a bittersweet time

 Christmas is probably my favourite time of year, the season of goodwill, spending time with family and friends and choosing presents and cards for family and friends who I appreciate have supported me all year in one way or another.

So many non Christians celebrate Christmas and it has become very commercial but I was bought up Christian and there has been a strong Christian connection to a few people who have supported me this year and this year is a year I have often thought I wouldn't survive and despite struggling still I'm thankful I did, my mum always says where there is life there is hope and I want to believe it and God obviously wants me to stay alive to do good things one day and so Christmas is definitely a time to celebrate.

Christmas is bittersweet because there is so much food around, everyone celebrates with food and drink over Christmas and naked new years resolutions to diet every new year. With an eating disorder it is really hard. I want to be with family and friends but even at home on my own I feel guilty about all food and have often had to miss even things I love doing this year with choir because I've had days my eating disorder (ed) won't let me eat or I have to get rid of it if I do or I've taken overdoses just to shut up the arguments in my head. I often say my anxiety is bad but it's all to do with food and body image but then it has affected my confidence with everything else too but other anxieties triggered the eating disorder to get worse in the first place so it's a vicious cycle.

But I want to be able to enjoy the festivities with family and friends as much as I can this year, last year at the choir christmas concert I wore an 80s tutu and danced to thriller this year I'm nervous about our Christmas concert just because I feel too fat in the dress I'm wearing. We also have a Christmas ball, I've loved the balls we have had other years but this year I'm anxious about it because of the food but I still want to be able to go, I'm always told listen to Tracy rather than ed but some days the thoughts feel like they are stronger than me.

Don't know why I wrote a blog post to be honest I always feel its easier to explain in a post than in person. I always blame myself for my mental health problems and people from the outside that haven't come across eating disorders think its a diet gone wrong, that you can just turn it off but we don't choose a mental illness any more than a physical one but the hard part is being able to "change" when it's anxiety rather than stubbornness that prevents you being able to change. I'm hoping I find something that helps me recover from this year's relapse with my bulimia as this year has been the worst its been for a few years but I've had it a long time in one form or another and I need to find something that will help me recover long term as its affecting my physical health and quality of life. I'm still trying to be as positive as I can be and looking forward to the rest of the Christmas festivities and one day hopefully I will be able to enjoy food and drink the way other people do, for now j just need to see it as "fuel" to be able to do what I enjoy doing, I want to live not exist...







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