All the voices in my mind....wish they knew it was a new year

 I haven't written a blog post in ages and I never know how open to be, but I guess some people will judge or not understand, some will learn what it's like to live with an eating disorder and other mental health problems and some are supportive. It's easier to be open online rather than in person often, you don't want to bring the mood down when in alot of social situations and food is such a big part of life especially socialising but it's hard to explain to people why your struggling too.

If someone is anorexic, it is visible, people see the person as ill and don't judge it but someone with anorexia didn't start at a visibly low weight, their eating disorder thinking and behaviour started long before and sadly often the way society is they will have been admired and praised for their weight loss regardless of how it was achieved or how mentally unwell the sufferer is. Often people with anorexia also have a history of bulimia and often switch between the 2 or sit in the middle with eating disorders not otherwise specified and are often thought to be doing well when not a low weight but struggling with bulimia despite often still seeking help. In atypical anorexia someone has all the thinking and behaviour as an anorexic but aren't a low weight especially if started at a higher weight and if also have bulimic symptoms too, weight fluctuates and so the low weight the anorexia wants you to achieve doesn't happen which for me is what makes my self harm and suicide attempts worse as it makes me hate myself more. I've had eating disorders for over 30 years, switching between anorexic and bulimic symptoms, weight doesn't determine what's going on mentally or what thinking or behaviour is happening. 

For me for the last year I relapsed badly after a diet last year. I've had periods of severe restricting where I took an overdose because I felt guilty about all calories and felt guilty about a vegan yogert and I've had times where I've had to give into hunger and had cycles of having to be sick if eat, not always even a binge, often just a main meal.

I don't want my eating disorder, every morning I wake up dreading the day feeling guilty to eat, rationally knowing I need food to live and to function in life but there's the eating disorder voice in my head that tells me i can't eat and if I do I can only eat if I'm sick but being sick doesn't get rid of all the calories so the eating disorder makes you hate yourself more for being weak and giving into eating.

It worries me and makes me sad that at this time of year people are having Facebook posts about having to lose weight just because they ate too much at Christmas but Christmas and new year should be about family and friends and time spent eating together enjoying festive food. I spent Christmas eve on my own because my eating disorder wouldn't let me go for a meal out with my family, Christmas day I had to go home straight after dinner of vegetables to be sick and new year's eve I spent on my own because my eating disorder wouldn't let me have a take away with my family without being sick so I did end up having a take away on my own which I shared with a neighbour so wasn't a binge and I had to be sick. I had a Christmas and new year where apart from a couple of pringles and about 4 chocolates I didn't even have a pudding with Christmas Dinner and I wasn't present with anyone where food was involved because even when I was there I was too anxious to enjoy anyone's company at the times food was involved.

It's affecting my physical and mental health alot and it's hard to not take overdoses or self harm as I'm struggling as much if not more than I was this time last year and I feel weak and dizzy constantly which is making my part time work hard to do and affected how much I got to choir last year too and if I'm not safe to drive can't see my horse Warwick as often too. There was a time I could push the eating disorder away to be safe to drive to choir or go to work etc. and sometimes I can but it's really hard.

This year I need to find a way to get on top of it, even physically I'm worried, one body can only take so much, in some ways I'm lucky we know we have a hereditary heart arrhythmia as it meant my heart is monitored and I have a pacemaker, often people with bulimia die from the same heart arrhythmia we have a hereditary version of and without my pacemaker I know I wouldn't still be alive. Karen Carpenter actually died from bulimia not low weight anorexia, she wasn't at her lowest weight when she died it was from making herself sick with ipecac syrup which was a medicine to make you sick if you have swallowed a poison apparently, I don't think you can get it now.

For me I don't control my weight with it anymore after taking an antidepressant called mirtazapine which is known to cause weight gain and having heart failure and having water retention in 2015 I've not been able to get below 14 stone, even when I was in a locked mental health hospital with no access to food apart from the limited food provided as I was vegetarian the most I ate was toast and jacket potatoes and was often sick after those or didn't eat for days at a time yet even then no one helped me with my eating disorder or was concerned because my weight didn't go down. When my heart failure was at its worst the water retention was that bad I was maintaining 18 stone on half a packet of supernoodles a day as I felt constantly sick and lost 2 stone in water weight in 2 weeks on water tablets.

This year my goal is to get on top of it again but the therapy I'm having hasn't helped so far and I've struggled over Christmas and new year with no mental health support apart from a crisis cafe which hadn't been open as often as usual. Every time I find what I think are solutions they don't work out, I'm trying having only a limited amount of safe foods and nutrition drinks but some days I even feel guilty to have them, on bad days I don't get out of bed, avoiding food and feeling too physically unwell to do much and I've lost my own personality as it takes over your thinking constantly.

For anyone doing a new year diet, be healthy, an eating disorder isn't a diet gone wrong, it is linked with deeper psychological issues which I know I need help to deal with (but probably will never get) but in someone vulnerable it can develop into an eating disorder which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy tbh. I was hoping it would be new year, new start but the eating disorder voice didn't go just because of a date on the calendar but I'm not giving up I have goals I want to achieve this year, I want to get back swimming and do a sponsored swim, see my horse Warwick regularly as he is getting older time with him is precious and enjoy more choir experiences and gigs and be able to socialise with family and friends without food guilt affecting it.....2024 has to be my year at some point.....