Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 What else do you do when you can't sleep apart from count sheep lol write a blog post lol. Seriously though 8 years ago I was sent to a locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders as a sectioned patient because I was severely self harming and suicidal but my problems began with an eating disorder long before that when I was only about 12. I've told my story in different ways alot but to understand how it is now its easier to explain where it began. Someone who has an addiction to alcohol or drugs has a story and life history how they got there wether through starting through peer pressure or to deal with negative life experiences but once they're an addict all anyone sees is the physical symptoms and behaviours of the addiction but the life story shows the person under the addiction and the same goes for an eating disorder, the underlying causes are long gone and the eating disorder becomes all consuming in your mind. In primary school I was known for 2 things being...

 If someone has a mental health problem they are blamed for their illness by many. I've had too many friends die from their mental illnesses over the last few years and not all of them, probably none of them wanted to die I'd they had a healthy mind. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness due to the physical effects of the eating disorder or suicide. Having a voice in your head 24/7 making you feel guilty about everything you eat is hard to live with, it's not a diet gone wrong, it's not vanity. A diet can trigger it but it becomes more than that and the ed tells you you have to punish yourself for doing something we need to do the live, survive, enjoy life. Last week I went on holiday to Florence in Italy it was a beautiful place, I was with choir friends and there were good times and laughs. My eating disorder came though and I envy people who could go and enjoy the Italian food, have an ice cream etc. I end up crying over just having t...

If we have a broken leg, we can visibly see what's going on with an x ray but a broken mind can't be seen and behaviours because of the mental health such as suicide attempts, self harm and eating disorder behaviours are stigmatised and judged. I originally started writing my blog at a time I was doing quite well with my mental health but to raise awareness of my own journey of how I became suicidal and struggled with an eating disorder to help people understand from the perspective of someone who had suffered. Recently this year I've struggled more with my own mental health again after 4 and a half years of being more stable from self harm and suicide attempts, I relapsed.  I had still struggled with an eating disorder in various forms during the 4 and a half years I was more stable but I could push away thoughts to self harm. I had some eating disorder therapy but only got 10 sessions where I was told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't count calories but wasn't to...

 Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is ourselves. I went so long without taking any overdoses or self harming in anyway but recently I've been struggling alot with my eating disorder and that leads to more self destructive thoughts that I deserve to hurt myself etc. I ended up taking a paracetamol overdose after my thoughts took over. I'm always open in my blog because mental health is so misunderstood, I'm misunderstood. I would rather be healthy and happy not spending nights in a and e and following days scared I might die. At the time my thoughts are I deserve to hurt myself or die but my rational self doesn't want to. I have my furbabies Warwick, Arthur and Rocky who need me as well a my parents I love and care about as well as friends who care about me and vice versa. It scares me how things can turn so quickly I was teaching at the riding school only a few hours before. I started struggling with my mood when I was with my horse Warwick and knew I was just ti...

I'm always open about my long battle with eating disorders and tried an actual conventional commercial diet last year I'm actually normally anti diet industry as its an industry that cashes in on societies stereotypical idea of what we should look like and doesn't necessarily consider health.  As a society weight loss is praised however it is achieved and as I'm overweight I need to lose weight. But eating disorder therapy told me to eat 3 meals 3 snacks, don't weigh yourself and don't count calories and your body will find its own "set point weight", the weight it is naturally healthy at. This goes against other medical professionals idea that we have to fit into a certain bmi range to be healthy as someone's healthy set point weight could be higher than that bmi range and also would mean having to accept myself whatever weight which I find impossible to do. The diet I was doing kept showing up on my Facebook page. I had been struggling with my ea...

 I constantly struggle with an eating disorder and the negative thoughts about myself that go with it, going through cycles of bingeing and purging or restricting with periods of semi normal eating or a conventional diet but the eating disorder behaviours always creep back in but I function with my eating disorder. The eating disorder voice is constant whatever weight and whichever cycle I'm in at the time and eating always causes anxiety and guilt ( which people can't visibly see if your not a low weight) but I try fight it. I set myself goals such as choir gigs, voluneer work and some part time work and I tell myself I have to eat to be safe to drive etc. Which I need to be able to do to see Warwick my horse, go to choir and go to work. But sometimes if my anxiety or depression get worse the eating disorder thoughts get darker and lead to self harming and suicidal thoughts which do scare me. They are always there in the background but when I'm in crisis it's like a co...

 This week is eating disorders awareness week and it's important to me as I have suffered from eating disorders for the majority of my adult life and if I could rewind the clock I would. Eating Disorders have affected my physical and mental health and I've had friends die from eating disorders and I want more people to recognise the signs in themselves and others and get the help early on before the damage is done and recovery is still possible. As a society we are judged on what we look like yet expected to socialise with food and drink. You can guarantee in every workplace or social event the topic of diets will come up and there will always be someone saying they're been good only having a salad and being too full for pudding. I often worry about friends doing what I know rationally are unhealthy unsafe diets yet am guilty of trying them myself constantly obsessed with losing weight.  When you think of eating disorders everyone thinks of a low weight anorexic and is conc...