Goals for eating disorder recovery to be able to take part in a positive life....Rome wasn't built in a day....especially without any help...
The eating disorder voice is always there telling you that if you restrict you will lose weight. When I was younger I could go a couple of days without eating....I would be tired and slow at work but I would tell myself I was fine I was losing weight but a couple of days restricting always leads to bingeing at some point....all restrictive diets will cause bingeing and now I am older and after years of unhealthy eating disorders restricting leads to me feeling more physically Ill my liver and kidney and heart function aren't normal after years of abuse I have put my body through through eating disorder and overdoses. I don't want that life anymore but I don't fully know how to start.
The strict eating disorder voice says I can have no calories a day....but obviously you need to eat to live...but life would be so much simpler if it didn't exist. Ironically eating disorders I know for me and for other sufferers are used as a way to escape from life because life is scary and anxiety provoking but I want to live a life worth living...one I can fully take part in ....I want to live not exist.
The bit of eating disorder therapy I have had in the past says to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't count calories and the body has a set point weight so some peoples set point weight....the weight their body naturally wants to be could be higher for some people...based on genetics, build etc...but society and drs encourage people to never go above a certain BMI...I want to lose weight but also know that to be healthy I need to try eat the 3 meals and 3 snacks and accept whatever happens to my body. That will be hard because I am bulimic....I feel guilty eating anything so a good day mentally is one where I don't eat but then if that is a day I'm also busy and can't stay in bed to avoid eating I end up with a banging headache then feel too sick to eat. Often that restricting will lead to binging later on. But then I also find if I do a meal plan and stick to it I also end up bingeing so then that leads to guilt also. So like I said Rome wasn't built in a day. I have been doing meal plans since January but keep failing at them because I either cut out meals because of guilt about feeling there is too much food on the plan and /or I end up bingeing....sometimes bingeing is emotional sometimes I feel like a food addict...sometimes a binge is I just fancy eating 2 small chocolate bars that just happen to be there so not really a binge but still more than I planned. So here is the latest meal plan...I had set myself the goal of doing a meal plan for 4 days to try and follow instead of a whole week (this morning I told myself it was going to be a perfect meal plan which it was until I ate those 2 extra aero bars and some sweets but I stuck to everything else and I'm going swimming...my other goal is to do a sponsored swim swimming 22 miles in 12 weeks to raise money for a charity to help people with spinal injuries...a good motivation to eat enough to have the energy to swim well for a good cause.
I have also set myself exercise goals as I do get obsessive with exercise too to burn calories...I originally did the same sponsored swim 2 years ago because I was obsessively swimming 100 lengths a day as well as restricting and bingeing and purging by being sick but when I was at the leisure centre I saw the swim advertised and decided I might as well turn a negative into a positive and raise money for charity...I did the swim but I hurt my shoulder last time so hammered the lengths at the beginning then had to stop then hammer it again to get it done. So this time I'm going to do it more consistently so my first 2 weeks I'm doing shorter swims so 32 lengths 4 times a week in the first 2 weeks then after that will do 64 lengths 3 times a week that means I will get the swim done in 8 weeks but allows leeway and I want to carry on swimming in a healthy way after the sponsored swim anyway. Today i have been at the therapeutic community all day, I have stuck to my meal plan apart from 2 extra aeros and a few jelly sweets and I'm off to do my 2nd swim of the week...
The strict eating disorder voice says I can have no calories a day....but obviously you need to eat to live...but life would be so much simpler if it didn't exist. Ironically eating disorders I know for me and for other sufferers are used as a way to escape from life because life is scary and anxiety provoking but I want to live a life worth living...one I can fully take part in ....I want to live not exist.
The bit of eating disorder therapy I have had in the past says to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't count calories and the body has a set point weight so some peoples set point weight....the weight their body naturally wants to be could be higher for some people...based on genetics, build etc...but society and drs encourage people to never go above a certain BMI...I want to lose weight but also know that to be healthy I need to try eat the 3 meals and 3 snacks and accept whatever happens to my body. That will be hard because I am bulimic....I feel guilty eating anything so a good day mentally is one where I don't eat but then if that is a day I'm also busy and can't stay in bed to avoid eating I end up with a banging headache then feel too sick to eat. Often that restricting will lead to binging later on. But then I also find if I do a meal plan and stick to it I also end up bingeing so then that leads to guilt also. So like I said Rome wasn't built in a day. I have been doing meal plans since January but keep failing at them because I either cut out meals because of guilt about feeling there is too much food on the plan and /or I end up bingeing....sometimes bingeing is emotional sometimes I feel like a food addict...sometimes a binge is I just fancy eating 2 small chocolate bars that just happen to be there so not really a binge but still more than I planned. So here is the latest meal plan...I had set myself the goal of doing a meal plan for 4 days to try and follow instead of a whole week (this morning I told myself it was going to be a perfect meal plan which it was until I ate those 2 extra aero bars and some sweets but I stuck to everything else and I'm going swimming...my other goal is to do a sponsored swim swimming 22 miles in 12 weeks to raise money for a charity to help people with spinal injuries...a good motivation to eat enough to have the energy to swim well for a good cause.
I have also set myself exercise goals as I do get obsessive with exercise too to burn calories...I originally did the same sponsored swim 2 years ago because I was obsessively swimming 100 lengths a day as well as restricting and bingeing and purging by being sick but when I was at the leisure centre I saw the swim advertised and decided I might as well turn a negative into a positive and raise money for charity...I did the swim but I hurt my shoulder last time so hammered the lengths at the beginning then had to stop then hammer it again to get it done. So this time I'm going to do it more consistently so my first 2 weeks I'm doing shorter swims so 32 lengths 4 times a week in the first 2 weeks then after that will do 64 lengths 3 times a week that means I will get the swim done in 8 weeks but allows leeway and I want to carry on swimming in a healthy way after the sponsored swim anyway. Today i have been at the therapeutic community all day, I have stuck to my meal plan apart from 2 extra aeros and a few jelly sweets and I'm off to do my 2nd swim of the week...
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