Hopefully I can be a positive role model for mental health recovery...

I was talking to a friend I was in hospital with back in 2015, i won't name them they know who they are obviously but it is their choice to share their story or not. I was in a locked hospital for ladies with personality disorders which basically we were all there as we managed negative emotions with self harm and suicide attempts.  My friend has been in hospital a long time, which as for myself was needed to help us stay alive which I for one am thankful for.

My friend is struggling with suicidal and self harm thoughts, but I think if it has been a long term problem we will always have it. Recovery isn't a cure it is "finding a life worth living" despite it.

Back in 2015 I never thought I would still be alive in 2020 planning my 40th birthday next year, to be fair i never planned on living past 28 (the year my birth mum died as a result of me being born). Back in 2015 I had staff with me 24 hours a day, in fact this time that year I was in anti ligature clothing, and was still finding ways to severely self harm and make suicide attempts, I thought I would either have to have a life of other people constantly keeping me safe or end up dying.

I never thought I would ever be able to live as independently as I do, there are 15 different personality disorders one of mine is dependant personality disorder and the fear of having to survive on my own was one of my triggers for being suicidal. Apart from a failed attempt at living on my own when I was 21 when I lived in Lancashire working for a horse charity where my mental  health problems first got worse and my bulimia was really bad, I had then always lived with my parents and then in hospital and supported rehab but I now have my own flat. I do still get some support off my mum and dad and support workers but only to manage my medication(at dark times I still wouldn't trust myself to not take an impulsive overdose as I dissociate, it would be self harm rather than a suicide attempt but I don't want it to happen),budgeting ( that I admit I'm a bit rubbish at....impulsive retail therapy and bulimia mean that is something I'm a bit rubbish at) and some emotional support. But after coming out of hospital  for 2 years I was mostly dependent on support workers and my mum to go out, my anxiety and depression made my life like lockdown I spent alot of time on my own in my flat.

Joining a choir was the key to me finding another positive meaning to my life, I think it came about at the right time, when I first joined choir I was still taking overdoses, thinking I couldn't live with my eating disorder and thinking there would never be anything stronger than it to fight to live for...once I got a taste for gigs and felt accepted by such a friendly supportive bunch of people from all walks of life doing something we all enjoyed doing together my life felt positive again. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, maybe desperate but it has helped me. I never thought my social anxiety would have allowed me to enjoy gigs all be it I try and hide on the back row of the Altos, I would love to be a confident person instead of being ridiculously shy and self conscious but it's a work in progress.

I haven't made any suicide attempts since the end of 2018, I did my first choir gig Christmas 2018 and with the support of friends I made at choir I literally planned 2019 around choir gigs and volunteering i did for a horse charity, I helped at their fund raising events. I made plans with friends to do fun stuff, I say I don't have friends but I have friends who I don't don't see or hear from often due to them having busy lives but I do have friends that I did enjoy things with last year too. A day at Alton towers, camping at woodhall spa and a couple of meals out and cinema trips. All little things I wouldn't have experienced if I had succeeded at dying. I literally would tell myself every week I couldn't kill myself that week as I was doing something in my diary most weeks. I know this isn't a normal way to live life but it is my life, often life isn't stereotypical but if it works in the short term it puts the building blocks in for a more positive normal long term. I used to say I didn't deserve to be alive if I wasn't working and helping others and only thought I would be doing that by being a nurse, becoming a nurse was my way to justify deserving to live. But I have helped people in other ways, I have helped kids learn to ride and enjoy horses, I have always done the best by Warwick and been a good owner to him and I have volunteered for and raised money for charities, and a long term aim is to work again and hopefully help children with mental health problems in the future.  But you can deserve to be alive and happy without having to justify deserving it.

I still have my dark times, I go to a group therapeutic community that is supposed to help with emotional regulation and relationships ( relationships aren't just romantic ones, every person we come into contact with is the basis for relationships, parent child relationships, work relationships, social relationships, I've never been great at making and keeping friends I know I can come across as intense and needy at times but I can also be a supportive friend too and have been to friends I have.) I still struggle with eating disorder issues, occasional self harm and suicidal thoughts but a thought is just a thought, we don't have to act on it and most of the time I can now stop myself acting on it.

I was telling my friend what has worked for me, I'm not the sort of person that would say it worked for me so will work for everyone, but hopefully it can be adapted to help my friend and others in a similar situation. I now have life goals, short term and long term. Also radically accepting a situation ( a term used in dbt therapy to accept negative things that have happened to us and if we can't change it accept it...that is a concept that is working during this lockdown...it isn't forever and things will get better again eventually.). I never thought I would survive all I have but I have and I believe the saying whilst there is life there is HOPE....