Feeling not good enough (the voice inside)...
If I had a broken arm people would see I had a broken arm, usually a broken arm heals and you are better. Unfortunately the brain isn't as simple no one can see what is going on in anyone elses mind and the brain and it's psychology is so complicated and unique to each person. The physiology of people is generally the same, obviously there can be genetic abnormalities but the bones and organs are generally the same.
Mental health though is determined by so many factors, genetics, life experiences good and bad and these experiences can lead to certain mental illnesses and disorders. I often say I have anxiety but I actually have anxiety based personality disorders. Avoidant personality disorder is a severe form of social anxiety where you have very low self esteem, feel not good enough and so avoid work and social activities for fear of failure and feeling embarrassed. Adults with avoidant personality disorder were usually very quiet and shy and withdrawn as children. At school the thing I was most known for was not talking and being really quiet, not exactly the life and soul of the party which then meant I was a target for bullies and so that made me even quieter and depressed. So as an adult I still struggle to trust many people and am still stupidly quiet and shy and really want to not be. I do push myself...my anxiety would prefer I stay in bed and avoid anything anxiety provoking, dying often seems less scary than living, but I do have a fight in me that tries to fight that but it's a constant battle.
The eating and personality disorders are like a constant voice in your head telling you you are fat and don't deserve to eat, you deserve to hurt yourself if you do, you fail at everything you do, in a day people could have said lots of good things to me and I could have achieved good things but my brain seems to automatically think of things like I said something wrong to someone, I upset someone, I did something wrong, sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with it.
I also have borderline personality disorder so my moods are up and down but they are triggered by relationships and the environment that's why alot of professionals don't like working with people with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder as we can go from happy to suicidal in the space of an hour. I used to act on it, but am better at not acting on it, that doesn't mean I don't still feel that way emotionally and it has mostly been myself who has stopped myself. The treatment for eating and personality disorders is psychology, there is no medication that really helps although I am on a mood stabiliser and I'm on beta blockers for a heart condition but they can also be prescribed for anxiety unfortunately individual therapy is rarely available so I go to a group therapeutic community 3 days a week which is to help you work through the emotional stuff and work towards longer term life goals for 2 years.
Unfortunately with the lockdown we haven't had any therapy just a quick check up phone call 3 times a week so I've been trying to stay positive and motivated. Choir and singing is the best distraction, there are times my anxiety tries to take over but I try not to let it and spending time with my horse Warwick is also a good distraction but there are 24 hours in a day so it is hard having a routine so my sleep and eating pattern seem to have totally been messed up, that along with the loneliness of lockdown has been making my mood really low that then triggers my bulimia then that triggers the feeling as of failure again etc, etc....I'm open in my blog, i'm not ashamed of my mental illness, it is part of my life journey, i'm working on it....the pictures are all within the space of a day....my moods cycle so much....
Mental health though is determined by so many factors, genetics, life experiences good and bad and these experiences can lead to certain mental illnesses and disorders. I often say I have anxiety but I actually have anxiety based personality disorders. Avoidant personality disorder is a severe form of social anxiety where you have very low self esteem, feel not good enough and so avoid work and social activities for fear of failure and feeling embarrassed. Adults with avoidant personality disorder were usually very quiet and shy and withdrawn as children. At school the thing I was most known for was not talking and being really quiet, not exactly the life and soul of the party which then meant I was a target for bullies and so that made me even quieter and depressed. So as an adult I still struggle to trust many people and am still stupidly quiet and shy and really want to not be. I do push myself...my anxiety would prefer I stay in bed and avoid anything anxiety provoking, dying often seems less scary than living, but I do have a fight in me that tries to fight that but it's a constant battle.
The eating and personality disorders are like a constant voice in your head telling you you are fat and don't deserve to eat, you deserve to hurt yourself if you do, you fail at everything you do, in a day people could have said lots of good things to me and I could have achieved good things but my brain seems to automatically think of things like I said something wrong to someone, I upset someone, I did something wrong, sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with it.
I also have borderline personality disorder so my moods are up and down but they are triggered by relationships and the environment that's why alot of professionals don't like working with people with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder as we can go from happy to suicidal in the space of an hour. I used to act on it, but am better at not acting on it, that doesn't mean I don't still feel that way emotionally and it has mostly been myself who has stopped myself. The treatment for eating and personality disorders is psychology, there is no medication that really helps although I am on a mood stabiliser and I'm on beta blockers for a heart condition but they can also be prescribed for anxiety unfortunately individual therapy is rarely available so I go to a group therapeutic community 3 days a week which is to help you work through the emotional stuff and work towards longer term life goals for 2 years.
Unfortunately with the lockdown we haven't had any therapy just a quick check up phone call 3 times a week so I've been trying to stay positive and motivated. Choir and singing is the best distraction, there are times my anxiety tries to take over but I try not to let it and spending time with my horse Warwick is also a good distraction but there are 24 hours in a day so it is hard having a routine so my sleep and eating pattern seem to have totally been messed up, that along with the loneliness of lockdown has been making my mood really low that then triggers my bulimia then that triggers the feeling as of failure again etc, etc....I'm open in my blog, i'm not ashamed of my mental illness, it is part of my life journey, i'm working on it....the pictures are all within the space of a day....my moods cycle so much....
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