We don't choose a mental illness but in a way we can choose recovery...
In my distance learning course I am doing on child and adolescent mental health awareness one of the questions was about the recovery model of mental health care. Recovery doesn't mean cure but being able to live a positive life despite your illness and achieve your goals and aspirations. There was an example case study where someone with an eating disorder said they didn't choose to have an eating disorder but can choose to fight their fears and challenges with positive goals.
That is what I am trying to do, I didn't choose the anorexic/ bulimic voice that appeared in my head when I was about 12, that tells you that you are fat and useless and don't deserve to eat etc. From the age of 21 until about a year ago I had severe bulimia, days of not eating, days of being sick numerous times a day every time I ate, even being told I would die if I didn't have a pacemaker didn't stop me and when I had heart failure and was attached to a portable heart monitor I was still being sick after a jacket potato. The year I was sectioned in hospital was mostly driven by my eating disorder I would self harm and make suicide attempts just because I felt guilty about eating every time I gave in to hunger and ate.The rational part of you knows you need food to live and be healthy and productive but then there is a voice telling you not to eat...my eating disorder voice says all food is bad and makes me feel guilty eating anything it was the same even when I was smaller but what started as a goal to be a low weight turned to bulimia (in an eating disorder mind bulimia is failed anorexia but in a rational mind you just want to be healthy and food not even be an issue).
Weight isn't even the issue for me I think feeling not good enough at everything I do means I always focused on trying to be good at losing weight then ironically the eating disorder, the medication I was on for the depression that accompanied the eating disorder and the heart failure caused by the overdoses I took because of the eating disorder actually made me gain weight.
From a suicidal point of view I still do get suicidal thoughts but they are just thoughts and I have life goals I want to achieve before I die I want to get back to helping others, and enjoy more life. I rarely self harm or make myself sick anymore, I tell myself being sick is bad for singing and I can stop myself self harming most of the time now as I want my scars to be the past not the future.
One big issue I still have is meal planning and food shopping even when were not in the middle of a pandemic in lockdown. Meal planning doesn't work if you then don't get the planned food come in your food delivery I know that sounds stupid but I'm getting better with it. Before the lockdown it was working me doing my food shop with a support worker, mostly the same one who is about the same size as me but is really positive about body image etc. She goes to the gym but also isn't obsessed with losing weight. I look at other people as positive role models based on who they are as people and their talents and skills not what size they are but I judge myself on my weight and what I look like. A positive is though that when I used to do online shopping when it didn't come right I would end up having a complete meltdown over it and end up self harming. In fact food shop day has often been a trigger in general even if all the right things came I would be overwhelmed by food just being there.
Like I said I am trying to choose recovery, I do need to lose the weight I have gained during lockdown but hoping once I start exercising more walking my mum and dads dogs and walking with Warwick the weight will come off.
On this picture I was about 10 stone but it was around the time I went into an eating disorder clinic for severe bulimia ( people think to have an eating disorder you have to be a low weight but the voice is there whatever weight you are and people with bulimia are usually normal or overweight as even if you are sick your body absorbs alot of the calories eaten in a binge), I thought I was too fat even then but like I said my goal for recovery now is to be happy and healthy....
That is what I am trying to do, I didn't choose the anorexic/ bulimic voice that appeared in my head when I was about 12, that tells you that you are fat and useless and don't deserve to eat etc. From the age of 21 until about a year ago I had severe bulimia, days of not eating, days of being sick numerous times a day every time I ate, even being told I would die if I didn't have a pacemaker didn't stop me and when I had heart failure and was attached to a portable heart monitor I was still being sick after a jacket potato. The year I was sectioned in hospital was mostly driven by my eating disorder I would self harm and make suicide attempts just because I felt guilty about eating every time I gave in to hunger and ate.The rational part of you knows you need food to live and be healthy and productive but then there is a voice telling you not to eat...my eating disorder voice says all food is bad and makes me feel guilty eating anything it was the same even when I was smaller but what started as a goal to be a low weight turned to bulimia (in an eating disorder mind bulimia is failed anorexia but in a rational mind you just want to be healthy and food not even be an issue).
Weight isn't even the issue for me I think feeling not good enough at everything I do means I always focused on trying to be good at losing weight then ironically the eating disorder, the medication I was on for the depression that accompanied the eating disorder and the heart failure caused by the overdoses I took because of the eating disorder actually made me gain weight.
From a suicidal point of view I still do get suicidal thoughts but they are just thoughts and I have life goals I want to achieve before I die I want to get back to helping others, and enjoy more life. I rarely self harm or make myself sick anymore, I tell myself being sick is bad for singing and I can stop myself self harming most of the time now as I want my scars to be the past not the future.
One big issue I still have is meal planning and food shopping even when were not in the middle of a pandemic in lockdown. Meal planning doesn't work if you then don't get the planned food come in your food delivery I know that sounds stupid but I'm getting better with it. Before the lockdown it was working me doing my food shop with a support worker, mostly the same one who is about the same size as me but is really positive about body image etc. She goes to the gym but also isn't obsessed with losing weight. I look at other people as positive role models based on who they are as people and their talents and skills not what size they are but I judge myself on my weight and what I look like. A positive is though that when I used to do online shopping when it didn't come right I would end up having a complete meltdown over it and end up self harming. In fact food shop day has often been a trigger in general even if all the right things came I would be overwhelmed by food just being there.
Like I said I am trying to choose recovery, I do need to lose the weight I have gained during lockdown but hoping once I start exercising more walking my mum and dads dogs and walking with Warwick the weight will come off.
On this picture I was about 10 stone but it was around the time I went into an eating disorder clinic for severe bulimia ( people think to have an eating disorder you have to be a low weight but the voice is there whatever weight you are and people with bulimia are usually normal or overweight as even if you are sick your body absorbs alot of the calories eaten in a binge), I thought I was too fat even then but like I said my goal for recovery now is to be happy and healthy....
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