Employability ......feeling hopeful

 I've been doing an employability and resilience course run by local mental health services for the last 3 weeks. Work used to be my identity, I've always been anxious socially so only have had a few close friends and although I got on with most people I worked with I rarely socialised outside of work apart from with the few friends I knew I could trust so work was my life but I didn't have much independence apart from work and looking after Warwick my horse and I still lived with my parents until I got admitted to the mental health ward in 2015. ( apart from living in halls at uni and working in Lancashire at a horse rescue centre  for 6 months when I finished uni and that's when my severe bulimia began when I was 21...)

As I have mentioned before my mental health problems started when I was about 12 probably even earlier I had social anxiety and depression and an eating disorder and it all tied in with feeling I wasn't good enough and didn't fit in. So I am proud that despite my struggles I did consistently study and work for 17 years...I worked with horses, taught horse riding, did factory work when I was at college and uni then when  I felt I wasn't good enough to do anything else, then worked as a support worker mostly in mental health and learning disabilities but did agency shifts with older people too. I loved helping people and got accepted to train as a mental health nurse after I did an access to nursing course but I was still struggling alot with my eating disorder and self harm and couldn't get any mental health support so the one year access to nursing course took me 2 years and I deferred my place for uni for a few years but my mental health just got worse until in 2014 I had to give up defeat and give up working, I felt a failure and then was in constant suicidal crisis. 

Because I haven't worked for 7 years I felt that anything good that I had done before workwise was just wiped off and felt my history of severe mental illness had become my identity. When I worked before I have always been open about my mental health, I worked in mental health and learning disabilities and I always believed that it isn't us and them, when I was in hospital I can remember a support worker putting her hood up and pulling strange faces and talking like she was disabled saying she sounded like one of us ( so unprofessional and extreme she shouldn't even have been working in the job...but 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental health problem wether they be a health care professional or anyone else it can happen to anyone) so I always treat service users as an equal...often they knew more than I did when it came to certain things like cooking or knowing places and that wasnt a bad thing. 

When I worked before I was open about my self harm as I have alot of scars up both arms so even though I wore long sleeves or support bandages when I was washing pots etc. Sleeves can ride up and I would rather be open than people gossiping behind my back and I feel the more open you are about mental health the more it is understood and the more people understood me. I had some staff were really supportive and actually said I had changed their opinion of people with mental health problems in a positive way and I had some managers who were really supportive and were flexible with my hours so I had gaps in shift patterns etc so I didnt get too tired which affects my mental health but I also had people who bullied me for my mental health including a deputy manager who said no one else would employ me due to my mental health and I had to do every shift she put me down for and I had people say I shouldnt be working due to my issues even though I have never been a risk to anyone else only myself and I actually stopped working myself when it got to a point I was taking overdoses in between shifts and looking after people less of a risk than myself and getting sent away from the crisis team getting told I was too high functioning to need help as I worked...I was scared I was going to die and knew I needed help

So on the course this morning we were talking about CVs and i was thinking my cv looked quite good up until 7 years ago, I was good at looking  after people and horses and if it hadn't of been about my own insecurities and low confidence I would have made a good mental health nurse and had wanted to work in child and adolescent mental health (camhs) as I think if I had been helped in my childhood I wouldn't have got as bad as I did.

On the employability course we have been talking about transferable skills etc. and that although some of us haven't worked for years we have done relevant things towards being able to go back to work so I wrote down what I had done to remind myself I have done some good things over the last few years despite my mental health.  I worked out 2014 and 2015 were the 2 years I was at my worst and was in and out of hospital for those 2 years but I then thought a positive is I must have some resilience to be able to climb back up from rock bottom where I honestly didn't think I would survive. I then lived at a mental health rehab from 2016 to 2017 where I was still struggling alot living back in the community after being institutionalised in hospital for a year literally locked in with no freedom whatsoever...couldn't even go to the toilet unsupervised, in a locked mental health hospital literally everything is locked, even spoons were locked up and we had to get staff to use even a microwave so to go from that to living in a flat even with some support was a big leap but after a year I moved into my own rented flat and I have lived here since 2017. I was terrified of living alone and being independent as I had never done it but since 2018 I have minimal support at home I get help to food shop due to anxiety with food shopping because of my eating disorder issues and support workers get my medication out every morning as I don't fully trust myself with medication because of the amount of overdoses I have taken I do get scared I could get back to that dark place so I don't want that risk but it is still my own resilience that has kept me safe for the last 2 and a half years and when i was in hospital i was a risk even with staff keeping me safe so i am proud i can keep myself safe now. I was then thinking of other good things I have done since I stopped working. When I first stopped working I continued doing some voluntary work at foresight, a college for adults with learning disabilities, mind at a day centre and friendship at home a befriending service for older people where I would go and visit talk to an older man who was lonely once a week. I have volunteered at Bransby horses rescue and rehab on the yard looking after the horses and then at their events to raise money for the charity and did my riding instructor training and exam and then taught some lessons at a riding school on a weekend for about a year but had to stop because of my health both physical and mental but that doesn't mean I can't and won't go back to it I just needed to work on my health more before I get back to it and for a year I have been doing a therapy for my mental health 3 days a week to learn skills to manage stressful situations better without resorting to self harm and eating disorder behaviours so then when I have added work stress I will hopefully be able to manage better. I also joined AFO choir 2 and a half years ago and I have made friends outside of mental health services and have become alot more confident within myself because of how supportive everyone has been and that has helped my mental health massively. Singing in itself is also good for mental health and is one way I focus away from my mental health problems so is a healthier way of managing than I used to. I have also completed a couple of sponsored swims for charity which I have used as positive ways to manage my eating disorder which also proves I have some resilience and still am motivated to help other people.  

Despite my mental health problems I have continued to be responsible for my 30 year  old pony Warwick for 14 and a half years and have continued to look after him and make sure he has been well looked after and kept him because I made that commitment to him when I brought him, I have recently had to get rid of my car as it wasn't going to pass it's mot and if I had to choose between a car or Warwick obviously he is my priority and my parents have kindly let me borrow their car to get to see him until I can afford another car once I am in a better financial position.

I have also done some distance learning courses in mental health awareness, understanding child and adolescent mental health, health and nutrition and understanding specific learning difficulties so I have relevant qualifications to be able to go back to work as a support worker or as a teaching assistant and am aiming to do my GCSE maths and a course to become a teaching assistant as well as some relevant voluntary work to get my confidence back to be able to get back to some paid work again.

I hope this blog sounds positive, it was meant to be, I have a year left of full time therapy by which time hopefully surely we will be out of lockdown and alongside an hour a week therapy for 2 years I want to do the relevant courses and voluntary work to be able to then be able to work again. It may take a bit longer but I'm determined it will happen, I don't want to die having not achieved anything with my life, and I think I'm finally starting to believe in myself.