Eating disorders awareness week 2021 (1_7th March), create a future where people with binge eating disorder are treated with understanding and compassion

 This week is eating disorders awareness week, a cause I am passionate about as there is so much lack of understanding and support for people with all eating disorders. NHS eating disorder services have such strict criteria that so many people fall through the net, too high functioning for help, to complex for help, have other diagnoses of personality disorders, not a low enough bmi, not the right eating disorder...some services only treat low weight anorexia and even then it is often refeeding without any headwork to deal with the underlying psychological causes. I have lost friends to eating disorders and know of far too many others who have begged for help but told they were too complex or there were no  beds available for treatment. 

This years theme for eating disorders awareness week is about creating a future where people with binge eating disorder are treated with compassion and understanding. 

As I have often been open about, my eating disorder began when I was about 12 but I had issues with food before then, at primary school I would go in the lunch room first sitting as for some reason it took me all lunchtime to eat 2 small square sandwiches and a yogurt and packet of crisps which I gave to everyone else anyway, a psychotherapist I saw once said maybe it was to avoid having to go in the playground where I got bullied. I've had anorexia , bulimia and periods of binge eating although I have never had a diagnosis of binge eating disorder as I have always tried to compensate for bingeing with fasting, vomiting, laxatives, diet pills and exercise in the past, now I rarely vomit but will often skip meals to compensate for bingeing or even eating normal meals which I often still feel guilty about but i try fight the eating disorder "voice" that tells me I'm too fat, i don't deserve to eat, am useless etc. It is a constant battle and the voice doesn't ever seem to go although periods in my life when i have felt more positive about life in general and have felt more confident in myself the "voice" gets quieter. For me times it has been at it's worst I would self harm and even make suicide attempts to punish myself for eating but also feeling hopeless that without help I could never get better. In 2015 I was sectioned in hospital because of the severity of my self harm and suicide attempts and am thankful I survived and that was with the support of some good supportive staff but I got no actual therapy at that time, I had previously had 20 sessions of CBT for eating disorders in 2012 but it was 2 years after being discharged from an eating disorders clinic i was in for severe bulimia which although the therapy and therapist were really good it wasn't enough for what then was a 10 year plus problem although nearer a 20 year plus problem but I got no help from child and adolescent mental health services at all.

As I said I have never had a diagnosis of binge eating disorder but I would class my bulimia as a cross between anorexia and binge eating disorder as the anorexic voice tells you you can't eat, the binge eating voice tells you to eat comfort foods and the bulimic voice tells you you can binge if you compensate to please the anorexic voice so it causes a love hate relationship with food, something we all need to live yet causes so much distress to people with eating disorders. For people with bulimia there are 2 types of binges, emotional ones and bingeing from physical hunger after restricting food or dieting, in binge mode with bulimia you are like a drug addict in a shop, you end up buying food you don't even want but crave at the same time, your rational mind switches off and for me I have ended up in debt due to the impulsive spending money on food but I have got my mum to help me with budgeting not because I don't know how to budget but due to the lack of control I often have due to my bulimia.  I try to meal plan to try to prevent physical bingeing from extreme hunger but often end up crying over meals I feel guilty about eating but I still emotionally binge eat due to often feeling lonely and depressed and skip meals.

Some people who binge eat get comfort from eating foods they enjoy eating but others also binge eat as a form of self harm to punish themselves or deal with negative emotions. I've even heard of people binge eating to make themselves unattractive especially if they have suffered abuse etc. We live in a society that judges people on their weight, classing people who are overweight or obese as unattractive and unhealthy but beauty and health come in all shapes and sizes. I know people who are healthy weights but do no exercise and eat unhealthy foods and people who are overweight who eat healthy and exercise. For me mental health medication and water retention from heart failure caused me to gain alot of weight but at normal and low weights I maintained it with extreme eating disorder behaviours and had to have a pacemaker due to my bulimia causing a hereditary heart condition to get worse and was told I was at risk of dying without a pacemaker, at the time my bulimia was so bad I couldn't stop myself making myself sick sometimes numerous times a day every time I ate despite knowing the risks but I was not suicidal at that point. 

People who are overweight are judged especially by medical professionals and often other health problems are blamed on their weight but they are just told to lose weight, dietitian input is rarely available neither is psychological help apart from for other mental health problems which often aren't necessarily the cause of the eating disorder but a comorbitity meaning accompanying diagnosis so you could have a diagnosis of personality disorders and also have a diagnosis of eating disorders yet not be eligible for help with the eating disorder. In the past there have been places that treat both diagnoses together but these were often out of area placements which the nhs are trying to save money on apart from in extreme cases and those places often still prioritised people with low weight anorexia despite bulimia and binge eating disorder also having severe life threatening health implications. 

I have had many good times over the years yet even then my eating disorders were bad and a smily picture doesn't always show what is going on. In all the following pictures I was suffering with bulimia, my weight has fluctuated alot over the years but what goes on in my head never changes although like I said earlier, times I am more positive in my life the easier it has been to manage.  Rationally I know for me dieting triggers my eating disorder so I am trying to stick to regular healthy eating including a balance including some unhealthy treats to prevent bingeing on them and doing some exercise although I have been struggling with my physical health so haven't been able to exercise as much as I would like to, my eating disorder is still a problem but I won't let it beat me....