New milestones, feel life moving on

 I write my blog to record my journey and "tell my story" . I'm often told I shouldn't be open on Facebook etc. but I feel at my worst times with my mental health I was very open in often a negative way ( because I was very mentally unwell at the time) but I now share my journey and the positives and hopefully coming out the other side so to speak and I'm not ashamed of my mental health problems anymore than I am physical health problems, I want to raise awareness and help break the stigma and hopefully give hope to others who have been where I have been. I have been left with the scars of the last few years and physical health problems as a consequence but I'm trying not to be ashamed of them and see them as a reminder of where I have been and how far I have come on my journey since then.

This week 6 years ago I got sent to a locked hospital in Mexborough for ladies with personality disorders because of the severity of my self harm and suicide attempts, the local mental health ward classed me as too complex so paid for me to go out of area. I spent nearly a year sectioned and was scared I wouldn't survive myself,  but I had felt like that for a few years as I had obsessive suicidal thoughts which I had to act on but myself didn't want to die, and the mental healthcrisisteam often just sent me away ( for me I can describe the eating disorders that were the original mental health problem I had, as a "voice" that tells you your fat, you don't deserve to eat, your a failure etc. It escalated into thoughts of your fat, you deserve to die for being a failure etc.) It is a scary place to be in. 

So for I don't know how many years now, I have not had my own medication as I took so many overdoses, myself, my family and mental health services felt I was unsafe to have my own meds. At one point I didn't have free access to my own money, my mum totally looked after it as I would also buy tablets. But I now feel in a safer place and although those thoughts are still there, and I'm still bulimic I no longer feel I have to act on those thoughts, I can stop and rationalise the thoughts and find positive reasons not to act on them. So this week im finally saying goodbye to the safe my meds were in and support workers doing my meds in a morning. I feel I am finally getting good support for my mental health at a therapy for personality disorders to deal with my anxieties and thoughts that led to my self harm and suicide attempts, have support workers still to help with food shopping and any other practical support I need, but only 7 hours a week ( 6 years ago I wasn't even safe in a room on my own, I was in anti ligature clothing with staff with me 24 hours a day) and have been referred to eating disorder services finally to get cbt therapy for my eating disorders, so I'm thankful of the support I'm getting and proud of how far I have come in the last 6 years.

GOODBYE SAFE....Journey back to independence 

Warwick was always a reason to stay alive, but at my worst I convinced myself enough people cared about him to make sure he would be well looked after if I wasn't there anymore, obviously in my rational mind I love him and I made a commitment to him when I bought him and he was my main motivation when I was in hospital. I have loving supportive adoptive parents but I convinced myself I was a burden to them, but I know that's not true and they have only ever shown love and support and it does make me sad all they have dealt with but still been there for me. And now I feel I'm finding more and more positives in life and feel safer to have my own meds. I last took an overdose at the end of 2018 but since then have focused on choir, voluntary work, sponsored swims, time with family and friends and just trying to enjoy life rather than looking for reasons to "deserve to be alive".

As I have said before choir has been a big part of my recovery journey over the last couple of years as I have felt accepted for who I am, have made some lovely new friends and love singing and have grown in confidence not just with singing and choir but in life in general, and have even had the confidence to sing solos at live choir after recording myself singing for performance nights, something I would never have had the confidence to do even a year ago( I'm not saying I don't have bad days but now even my worst days aren't life threatening which sounds dramatic but at one point I literally was self harming numerous times a day and taking overdoses every time I got chance, the self hate was so strong but now finally at 40 I'm finding reasons to like myself).

In the last 6 years I now live independently in my own flat, am back driving, have completed distance learning courses in understanding child and adolescent mental health, nutrition and health and understanding specific learning disabilities, qualified as a horse riding instructor and am now back doing some teaching something I used to love doing, horses have helped me with my mental health so much over the years since I started riding as a teenager and I love seeing other people enjoying horses and riding. I'm proud of how far I have come and maybe life does begin at 40....