The ups and downs of mental health

 Mental health is so unpredictable, borderline personality disorder is definitely unpredictable and stupid things can trigger it. Borderline personality disorder causes highs and lows but with bipolar the highs and lows are caused by chemical imbalances and can be medicated  but with bpd the highs and lows are caused by the environment, circumstances and relationships, not just close relationships.

I have long periods of good times and I don't want the short periods of bad times to set me back but it's so hard, I know my lows take me to dark places and it's hard trying to put on a happy front when I'm feeling so emotional and I also get scared where my bad times take me.

I think the unpredictability of the pandemic and the lockdowns has affected my mental health, when I joined choir in 2018  I hadn't been socialising with anyone apart from support workers for a couple of years apart from the couple of times a year old friends had been available to meet up, I have a couple of good old friends but they are married,  in relationships, have kids, jobs, other friends or don't live locally so aren't free to meet often so although I get on with friends when I see them I spend alot of time on my own. I've always had social anxiety and in my school days it actually made me a good target for bullies and the butt of people's jokes and so I've not trusted many people in my adult life. Choir was the first place I felt I had fitted in and been accepted for myself outside of mental health services for a long time and I made a couple of friends I have met up with locally for coffee a couple of times and have enjoyed some amazing choir gigs and at the end of 2019 had the confidence to go to the choir Christmas ball and I was feeling really positive, but choir was the once a week rehearsal and gigs.

Then in 2020 when the lockdown began I was dreading the lockdown on my own worried about being on my own and then when zoom first became a thing most of us hadn't even heard of, I was nervous using it, at choir I didn't dare turn the camera on or talk to start with but as we used it more I got more confident and it actually meant alot of us from other choirs made friends and supported each other through the pandemic and its been nice but obviously alot of people were working from home, alot of people left choir in lockdown and so the dynamics of choir became different, choir has always been a friendly place but I found in lockdown everyone had more time and was doing the same sort of things as me and had time to chat more on messenger, my normal life became everyone's normal life if that makes sense, we were all talking about things we were doing including choir and choir socials or watching in lockdown and people had time to talk more and I found a confidence on zoom weirdly to talk and sing in front of people I don't know if it was just the security of being behind a computer screen but that weirdly everyone seemed more connected. In lockdown we all missed singing together as a choir and the buzz of doing live gigs with an audience but grew to enjoy parts of the new normal like recording virtual videos and social nights and zoom has allowed people who are normally socially isolated or who don't live local to each other to see each other more but although zoom still exists socialising now is back to everyone being busy, working from home now isn't happening as much, people can meet people they aren't in a bubble with so everyone is busy and I get that. But now I'm back to not seeing anyone often unless I drive miles to see them, I have got more confident driving and love still meeting up with everyone and still love choir nights but feel I'm always the numpty who gets lost even with a sat nav, I have to fight my anxiety constantly to push myself to go new places on my own and my eating disorder also affects my physical and mental health and I just feel mentally I'm so up and down. When I'm so up and down I start getting paranoid people don't like me but I know no one has made me feel that way it's my thinking but then I start worrying about it. 

Now we're back to normal, my normal is going to mental health group therapy 3 days a week, going to choir and seeing my beloved horse Warwick and teaching at the stables when they need me and seeing my parents. But if I didn't go to choir I wouldn't see or even talk to anyone, I think my big thing I struggle with is living on my own, night times are the worst, I would love to have the confidence to have normal relationships but I don't see that ever happening and in a relationship I couldn't hide my down days, the days when I am feeling suicidal, the days I'm crying over a sandwich or throwing pancake mix up a wall ( that was a thing lol have to laugh about it now but I was having a day my eating disorder voice didn't want me to eat but rationally I needed to my head was so in conflict with itself I lost it and threw a pancake up the wall). Not sure how that would read on a dating site, maybe I should go on the undatebles, I think I would even be undateble on there, I often say when my parents die I will have to die because I don't have anyone else, that I see regularly, most of my socialising is talking on messenger to people in between their busy lives and I love when I do get to meet friends in person. But it's partners and kids that form the natural progression of life. I don't want to die having not made some sort of a difference, I used to love helping people, and wish I had had the confidence to do my nursing but the pressure I put on myself to try do that led to a year long mental health crisis where I thought because I wasn't good enough I deserved to die, thankfully I didn't but those types of thoughts never go, singing and being around friends helps me be more positive and distracts me from my thoughts although the crying I end up doing alot lately makes my voice a bit rubbish as I have a reflux / sinus issue that affects my voice, hopefully can get that sorted soon. 

I need to find my positive head, I think this time of year always seems to be when my mood takes a nosedive and I have to give myself constant goals and things to look forward to.  I'm starting a sponsored swim again, hopefully more successful than last years as last year I hurt my back, then got covid then we went into lockdown and the pool closed so I raised the money for the charity but was short on the swim by a out 2 miles in the end. The swim I'm doing is 22 miles in 12 weeks since covid I have struggled physically so going to take it steady but still do it and hopefully build some fitness back up, hopefully the focus will help me get back on track with food a bit too, I feel less guilty about eating if can exercise it off. We have some good choir gigs to look forward to including Christmas ones and I am alot more confident at choir than when I first joined, I often compare myself to other people and feel everyone else so much better than me but I should look at what I am achieving, I never thought I would ever dare do a solo at choir, let alone at a gig even if it was only a small audience and hopefully my confidence will continue to get better, I didn't think after my complete mental breakdown I would pass my horse riding instructor exam let alone teach again and I hadn't planned on any work this year so could focus on mental health therapy which is until February.  Services are looking at some sort of service for people with dual diagnosis of eating and personality disorders so I'm hoping they can help me as I know my food issues are affecting my mental health alot,  the constant battle of an eating disorder voice making you feel guilty about everything you eat and the rational self knowing we need food to live and should be able to enjoy it especially socially. I have made some good friends through choir, I wish I could be more like alot of them but need to be able to accept myself to even if I am the world's biggest numpty, that always needs rescuing in one way or another. But not everyone else is battling the anxiety or depression that I try to publicly hide most of the time, I'm 40 but I think socially and life wise I'm alot younger, which is embarrassing to admit to but I'm not a bad person,  I will do anything to help anyone and if I say I will do something I'm reliable and if all we do is survive that is an achievement.

Sorry this was a long one, I hadn't written a blog post for a while, as this probably shows I'm not feeling very positive at the moment but it's just the way my mental health goes but although I have felt as bad as I have and have come very close to acting on thoughts I haven't I want to make myself and others proud, hopefully one day I can ❤