World Suicide Prevention Day 2021 (10th September)

 Today is World suicide prevention day and the theme is "create hope through action". I want to share my story of suicide survival and what it's actually like to be feeling suicidal, what causes me to feel suicidal in the hope it will dispel myths of suicide and help people understand how they can help someone who is suicidal or at risk of suicide. Hopefully by sharing my story (which unfortunately is a familiar story for too many), I can help raise some awareness and understanding and help break the stigma and judgement the topic of suicide and mental health causes. I'm classed as complex by mental health services, I have a diagnosis of personality disorders and often people with or without that diagnosis are classed as attention seeking or manipulative when reaching out for help when feeling suicidal. Often we hear people who are going to commit suicide won't talk about it and if they are they are obviously just after attention, that isn't true.

For me I have a history of eating disorders and self harm, but self harm is totally different to suicide although people who self harm are at higher risk of suicide attempts. 

My mental health problems started as a child I can remember saying I hated life from a young age, due to struggling to make friends due to being really quiet and shy and being bullied, and developed an eating disorder when I was about 12 I think as a way to deal with my anxieties and depression.

I first took an overdose after taking prozac for depression which caused me to have suicidal thoughts. I asked a gp for help as I had started self harming in my early 20s but it was impulsive rather than strong suicidal thoughts (prozac is known to cause suicidal thoughts and impulsively in younger people) I always said I thought I deserved to be dead by the time I was 28 as my birth mum died at 28 from developing septicaemia after  I was born by caesesarian section, and I always thought it was my fault. But the overdoses I took then weren't really suicide attempts more impulsive self harm ( sometimes overdoses can be to self harm for example I have had times I have taken overdoses to deal with my eating disorder, if I was physically ill in hospital I couldn't eat, it would shut the eating disorder voices up, ligatures can also be self harm as I had times I would tie a ligature just in the hope it would shut my thoughts up). So like I said people who self harm are at higher risk of dying from suicide. 

When I was about 29 I was admitted to an eating disorder clinic in Leeds where I got no therapy in the 8 weeks I was there for bulimia and was discharged back home to my home town where I just got put on a psychology waiting list, the local eating disorder services wouldn't help me so I just continued to work as a support worker including in mental health and thought if I could focus on helping other people, it would distract me from my own problems. I have always said since being young I wanted to be a nurse but never had the confidence but in 2010 I gave myself a push and found the confidence to do an access to nursing course and my level 2 maths and told myself I deserved to be alive if I was helping others and I got accepted to Hull University to train as a mental health nurse after passing a maths test and an interview on condition I passed the access to nursing course. Unfortunately my own mental health deteriorated and I had to drop 2 modules of the course and so deferred my university place but they still left my place open, I completed the access to nursing course but was struggling too much with my own mental health. I eventually got 20 sessions of cbt for my bulimia with a good eating disorder therapist but it was 20 sessions to deal with what was then a 10 year plus problem and I was also supposed to get psychology to help me deal with my other underlying problems. The eating disorder therapist left as did the psychologist and I was in a hopeless place, I felt a failure that I couldn't recover from my eating disorder, I hated myself and my weight and thought I deserved to die as I wasn't achieving doing my nursing and started getting obsessive thoughts that I deserved to die and the thoughts only went when I acted on them and I started taking overdoses, I would research how many tablets to take to kill myself from a bnf nursing book I had, but I was also scared I would kill myself as it felt like something else was driving my thoughts in the same way the eating disorder thoughts had previously taken me over, they are called intrusive thoughts but they are also like a voice but not an external voice which some people do have but I don't. I would sometimes contact the crisis team and tell them I was scared I was going to act on my thoughts but was just told things like distract myself,  go for a walk etc. I often acted impulsively on my thoughts and other times the thoughts would be obsessive. It got to a point my tablets at home were locked in a safe but I would go out and buy paracetamol or nytol ( which is an antihistamine that can react with a hereditary heart condition I have), I started taking regular overdoses in 2012, I had short admissions to the mental health ward as a voluntary patient where I continued to self harm and would go out and still take overdoses even though I said I was struggling with those thoughts I wasn't sectionable and was classed as having capacity as I got help after I had taken the overdoses or self harmed so I would get medically  treated for overdoses, assessed by crisis team and sent home to my parents who became classed as my carers and I felt I was a burden to them. Local services said they had exhausted all avenues of treatment available locally but my mum found an NHS therapeutic community in London that treated people who had personality disorders but didn't treat eating disorders which was also a big problem, but I went to London but in the short time I was there as a voluntary patient, some other patients weren't nice to me saying they would hate me if I self harmed there and because I was so out of control with my self harm and suicidal thoughts I took more overdoses.  My parents understandably couldn't cope with me at home anymore due to the stress and worry it caused them and we were all scared I would end up dying. I got admitted to the local mental health ward where I made a serious suicide attempt with a ligature where I was found unconscious and had to go to hospital, I was dissociating where my thoughts just completely took over there was no room for any rational thoughts and I was banging my head on walls, pulled all my hair out and was tying ligatures with anything I could such as clothing and then I was sectioned and put on 1 to 1 obseservations where a member of staff was with me constantly including in the bathroom and toilet and I was put in anti ligature clothing which were mesh shorts and t shirt and I was only allowed a fleece blanket and no bedding to reduce the risk as every time I was left alone with clothing I would tie ligatures, I was scared I would die. Although I thought I deserved to die and felt hopeless that life would never get better, there was always sparks of reasons I didn't want to die, my parents and family, my horse Warwick, and not wanting to die having not achieved anything and I didn't want to die just being remembered as a mental patient, but the thoughts were too strong. I got sent out of area to a locked hospital for ladies with personality disorders as I was classed as complex locally so I was sent for intensive psychology but the psychologist left as I got there so I spent 10 months there as a sectioned patient, alot of the time on 1 to 1 observations with a bare room but then a support worker suggested I did a smily face chart ( in a locked hospital we weren't allowed much so colouring and art and craft ended up being the main thing we could do and even then it was limited what we could use as basically anything that anyone could self harm with was locked up). At first I was like I'm not a child why would I do a smily face chart but I had been blackmailed with I could only go and see Warwick my horse if I could go 7 days without self harming, I couldn't even go a day, but then I was told the chart would be a visual thing I could show to the staff team as evidence and to aim for Christmas home leave, to see Warwick and if I could prove I wasn't self harming would get some help with my eating disorder but it was hard as my self harm was often to punish myself for eating and my self hate around my weight which has been the same even when I was lower weights, an eating disorder voice will always scream at you that your never thin enough and when meds and heart failure made me gain weight that voice got louder and drove the suicidal thoughts more, it became like a mantra in my head telling me I was fat and a failure and deserved to die. When I was acting on suicidal thoughts I was playing Russian roulette with my life, I would tell myself if I survived I deserved to but if I died it was what I would deserve. But I did the smily face chart, I would put a smily sticker on a chart every day I didn't self harm, I did start to feel more positive even though I was struggling with my eating disorder and I started going out with my mum to see Warwick, my mum was amazing and selflessly drove the round trip to pick me up from Mexborough to go and see Warwick then would drop me back at the hospital and go home despite me often being snappy and anxious as I had been in hospital so long I was more anxious of leaving to go out even to familiar places with my mum. I then got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia and my kidneys failed and I ended up in the high dependency unit at Rotherham hospital on temporary dialysis and I got scared of dying and also thought I must be here for some reason,  I had survived heart failure earlier that year as well as alot of serious suicide attempts. I got discharged after 10 months in hospital to an open rehab but it was alot less support than in the locked hospital where it was 24 hour support and I had used the staff who I had built up trust with to talk about my thoughts rather than acting on them. So I relapsed with taking overdoses as I was struggling adapting to living out of hospital and found my old friends lives had continued without me, and my parents also have their own lives too so I was living in an individual flat where there were staff in an office who did meds or ran activities but otherwise I was on my own alot and i felt lonely, hopeless and a failure at life.  But I built up trust with some staff and I moved to my own flat and I was given more social support and I went to the rehab still to get my meds and join some of their activities. I started swimming more and passed my riding instructor exam and started volunteering at a horse charity and was discharged from the rehab to community support workers as I still was scared I would overdose on my meds so they were in a safe and they help me food shop because of the anxiety because of my bulimia and my social anxiety meant I was rarely going out on my own socially. 

I joined AFO choir in 2018 and I last took any overdoses when I first joined but it was more self harm because I thought I was too fat in my choir t shirt, and I was struggling alot with my bulimia, sounds stupid I know but I'm proud that was the last time. Anyway although my suicidal thoughts never went I spent 2019 planning weekly reasons not to act on those thoughts, choir gigs, volunteering for the horse charity Bransby horses at their events, a sponsored swim and plans with friends to go camping,  to alton towers and other plans because although my friends have busy lives we are still good friends. 

I do often get lonely as I have avoidant personality disorder, a severe form of social anxiety where you feel inferior and fear getting close to people for fear of getting hurt so I've never had a proper relationship but I am also a people person and enjoy being with friends i can trust which is why choir has helped me so much.

I also have dependent personality disorder which sounds like the opposite to avoidant but basically i avoid social situations and  people i feel anxious with although i challenge myself with that otherwise I would avoid going out but I'm dependent on my parents and services because I feel I struggle to cope on my own although I also challenge myself with that more too. It's embarrassing to admit as at 40 I should be a fully functioning, independent adult. 

My personality disorders fed my suicidal thoughts as avoidant personality makes you feel inferior and worthless and lonely,  dependent personality disorder makes me fear my parents dying and I thought if I died first I wouldn't have to deal with losing them, my biggest fear is losing them but hopefully they have plenty of years left for us to enjoy together. My fear of people dying stems from my birth mum dying when I was a baby so I've always been scared of losing my adoptive parents even as a child and teenager.

Like I said I am complex, but any suicide will have complex reasons why and will usually be a build up of problems and emotions which feel too overwhelming to deal with. I know for me often my anxieties made me believe living is more scary than dying. I also know loneliness has been a big trigger for me which is why I try to be around people as much as possible like at choir and a sign I have been suicidal in the past has been withdrawing from people and my horse Warwick as then I would convince myself it wouldn't affect people as much if I wasn't close to them. 

There have been times when someone asking if I was ok actually stopped me or made me get help after taking an overdose, even a stranger once asked me if I was OK at the time i was sat in a park taking an overdose I didn't tell them but I went to the hospital for help. 

I'm thankful I survived, others aren't so lucky, fate obviously wants me to live for some reason, I want to get back to helping others. I'm in therapy for my mental health and use the distraction of singing and spending time with Warwick my horse to help me as well as socialise as much as I can.

Life can be hard at times but even in the darkest places there can still be hope and where there is life there is hope. So help someone find hope through your actions. Reach out to a lonely person, just knowing someone cares can make all the difference, be a listening ear or a distraction, for me I often find just being around friendly people and being distracted by doing things I enjoy doing help alot. If someone distances themselves don't forget about them they may be distancing themselves if they are feeling suicidal, I know I have done but if someone contacts you at those times it can make you think actually someone would be affected by your suicide, rationally we know that but mental health can make you think differently. 

If you have got to the end of this well done sorry was a bit long and I have shared my story often before but suicide prevention is so important and if sharing my story helps just one person it is worth doing to save a life. 

If you are feeling suicidal talk to someone about what is making you feel suicidal,wether a friend or family member or the samaritans or local mental health services. Locally Navigo and mind run a crisis cafe called safe space where you can go and be around other people and talk to staff to help you stay safe. 

For me im in a better place with most of my mental health apart from my eating disorder now and I have goals I want to achieve before I die, I'm not saying I never have dark days where I get fleeting suicidal thoughts but a thought is just a thought and doesn't mean you have to act on it and I have alot more good days than bad day's now. I have more enjoyment to find and "there's still a fight left in me" for me life begins at 40.....