Body positivity not body shaming

 I was waiting in a queue in a local shop today, next to the magazine aisle, the majority of the magazines had headlines on the front about diets, images of celebrities who had lost weight, headlines such as " how I lost 5 stone" etc.

Its not surprising so many people have eating disorders, I have friends suffering from eating disorders, some have died, trying to achieve that perfect body image we are all made to feel we should have to be accepted,  to be healthy,  it's not healthy to die from an eating disorder though is it due to trying to find any way to achieve that perfect body and even if we lose weight by starving,  obsessive exercise,  being sick, laxatives we are praised by medical professionals and society, its only when someone is emaciated that alarm bells ring, yet you can have that eating disorder voice at any weight that torments you for eating, yet even the magazines tell us we should be obsessing over our weight. We're made to feel we have to have a bikini body for holidays, a perfect body for weddings or the party season at Christmas and New year, there's a reason to diet all year.

Its not surprising people like me get stuck in a cycle of eating disorder behaviour  made to feel guilty for eating yet also expected to socialise with food, the world is full of contradictions. At the group therapy I go to for personality disorders in one day we talked about planning a Christmas dinner, a buffet for a baby shower party, and cooking together. You just can't get away from food.

I find I feel guilty about eating so avoid it for as long as I can until I have to give in and eat, or have to make myself eat if for example I'm driving somewhere, or teaching horse riding or got a choir gig, other days I can avoid eating which is hard if for example I have to be around a party buffet as its not that people with Eating Disorders don't get hungry its a voice I your head doesn't want you to eat, that was a trigger for bingeing as I couldn't bring myself to eat with everyone that day, I hate buffets especially in covid times, people don't wash their hands at any buffet, so being around food you crave without actually being "allowed" to have any triggers a binge later on, you know when you crave a chocolate bar, if you ate a chocolate bar, you then forget about it but if you crave a chocolate bar and don't have one you then crave 10 chocolate bars, that's how bulimia always was for me, the more I don't allow myself to eat the more I will want later but then the guilt of eating too much leads to not being allowed to eat again according to the "eating disorder voice", a vicious cycle.

I don't judge other people on their weight, I actually admire people of all sizes who are confident,  talented, nice people, weight doesn't change those qualities about them yet I judge myself but then I have probably just answered my own questions that I don't like much else about myself either but am getting better at trying to find more good things about myself, i'm 40 it's about time I did....

I'm due to start a group therapy soon for people with binge eating disorder and bulimia but not sure when it will start yet ....

As a society we should be promoting body confidence though not aiming for a "healthy weight" as there is more to a person's health than the number on the scales, healthy is being able eat a balanced diet including some treats, being able to eat socially and exercise in a healthy way without it becoming obsessive I admire people who can live like that whatever their size