Time to talk day 2022 (3rd of February)

 Today is time to talk day 2022, a day run by Mind and Rethink the mental health charities to encourage conversations about mental health to help break the stigma of having mental health problems. 

Just like we all have physical health we also have mental health therefore the same way anyone can develop a physical health problem,  its the same for mental health. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health problem in their lifetime therefore it is important to be able to talk about it to help break the stigma so people won't be scared or ashamed to reach out for help. Even though I believe this I also know not everyone is accepting of mental health problems, I even told someone the other day I only work as holiday cover teaching horse riding as I have a heart condition. I do have a heart condition but I should feel that it's acceptable to be open about my mental health too, but that is why time to talk days need to happen so it is just as acceptable to be as open about mental health as physical health. 

The time to talk campaign is important to me as I struggle with my own mental health problems and also used to support other people with mental health problems as a support worker. I was accepted to train as a mental health nurse but unfortunately my own mental health was never stable enough to start the course at uni.

Mental health problems can range from mild to moderate anxiety and depression to severe and enjuring Mental Health problems such as schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, eating disorders and post traumatic stress disorder. 

I have eating and personality disorders, both stigmatised diagnoses. Most people won't know what personality disorders are or if they have will probably think of violent criminals portrayed in the media. When  borderline personality disorder is mentioned, the terms attention seeking and manipulative are often used even amongst professionals. But there are 10 different personality disorders and they are caused by attachment issues in childhood caused by neglect, abuse or other disruptions to attaching to caregivers in early childhood such as if the child's mum had postnatal depression or other illness. I was adopted as a baby  but apparently the first 2 years of a child's life affects how they attach to people in later life. I was kept in hospital after being born then my birth mum died so me and my sister were fostered then adopted and then my adoptive parents who have always been amazing had a baby and a demanding 4 year old to look after together so I grew up being quiet and anxious which developed into anxiety based personality disorders, avoidant personality disorder and dependent personality disorder. People with avoidant personality disorder fear getting close to people for fear of getting hurt or rejected but also don't like being alone, it's anxiety that prevents them getting close to people. People with avoidant personality disorder are also sensitive to judgement and criticism, feel inadequate in social situations and have low self confidence and so often avoid work or social situations but want to be liked. People with dependent personality disorder  have low self confidence and fear being left alone as feel unable to cope on their own. My avoidant personality disorder was made worse because of bullying at school too which backed up my lack of trust in many people as I grew up. Therefore they sound contradicting diagnoses but basically I'm avoidant of social situations and relationships but am dependent on my parents and other support, although I'm getting better at challenging myself to be more independent and less avoidant. 

I also have Borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder, a type of personality disorder which causes unstable moods and emotions. Unlike bipolar disorder where highs and lows in mood are caused by chemical imbalances and can therefore be medicated, bpd highs and lows are psychological and caused by relationships and the environment and so the highs and lows can change quickly. You can go from happy in the morning to suicidal the same day. Triggers can be things like being let down by someone even if there was a plausible reason such as the bus was late. For me my eating disorder also overlaps and food can be a trigger for my fluctuations in mood. Change is also difficult to manage too which is why I think I've struggled recently as the pandemic has caused lots of changes. People with Borderline personality fear being abandoned (again due to childhood experiences), have poor self image, impulsively, (for me there is an overlap in my eating and personality disorders as I am impulsive with food and money due to bulimia). 10 percent of people with bpd commit suicide and many more self harm and attempt suicide. Eating Disorders also have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness either directly from health effects of the eating disorder or by suicide. For me I started self harming due to the frustration of my eating disorders and to punish myself for eating but as time went on I self harmed to deal with any negative emotions and then I became suicidal as I felt guilty my birth mum had died from septicemia from me being born when she was 28 and felt I didn't deserve to be alive past 28. Things became so bad in 2015 I was sectioned for a year in a locked hospital to keep me safe due to the severity of my self harm and suicide attempts and I'm thankful I survived as I have so much more I want to achieve with my life. I'm proud of what I have achieved since then. When I left hospital I lived in a supported rehab with staff on site 24 hours a day and then when I moved into my own flat I had support workers came twice a day to give me my medication as I was still at high risk of taking overdoses and I was only going out with support workers or my parents until a joined a choir in 2018. That turned my life around for the better and I got back driving and now drive all over to choir and feel I finally fit in somewhere that's not mental health services. I still have support workers 4 hours a week to help with things like food shopping as I get bad anxiety because of my eating disorders.

My mental health problems started with Eating Disorders when I was 12 or earlier. I've had periods of anorexia, bulimia and eating disorder not otherwise specified ( ednos). For the majority of my time with bulimia and ednos since I was 21 I haven't been a low weight, I've been normal or overweight despite restricting food, bingeing and purging by being sick and cycles of restricting then eating. Mental health meds and water retention from heart failure caused me to gain alot of weight too which I've been unable to lose since. Eating Disorders are mental health problems not a weight disorder therefore you often can't tell if someone has an eating disorder unless they are visibly anorexic but even people who are anorexic had their anorexic thinking and behaviour long before they became a low weight and someone could have anorexic thinking and behaviour but have started at a higher weight and therefore could be suffering as much as someone of a low weight usually more as with an eating disorder, the eating disorder will never see you as thin enough.

I may have my mental health problems and have a history of being classed as a complex case with a history of being sectioned in hospitals but underneath it all I'm still Tracy. I love my family. I love horses especially my own Warwick who I've owned 15 years and is 31, I love other animals too especially my cat, Arthur and my guinea pig Chester and I love singing in a choir. I also enjoy helping people and was a good support worker for adults with mental health problems and learning disabilities and also enjoy teaching people to horse ride as a qualified horse riding instructor. 

We are often made to feel we should be ashamed of our mental health problems but I'm proud I'm a survivor and I want to use my story to hopefully help other people feel less ashamed.

It's time to talk, time to change and help reduce stigma of mental health problems.