Feeling positive, moving forward with support

 Thought would write an update blogg post whilst things are looking really positive. 

8 years ago, back in 2014 I stopped working for what I thought would be a few months to get on top of my mental health, from 2012 I had been having regular mental health crises ending up in hospital with self harm and suicide attempts, driven by an eating disorder,  a fear of failure and social anxiety and generally not feeling good enough or deserving to be alive. I was working towards being a mental health nurse, despite my own mental health problems I was a good carer and thought being a nurse I could justify deserving to be alive (an irrational thought) but I love supporting other people and wanted to be able to make a difference as a nurse being able to empathise with my patients because of my own experiences and my work experience too. But although I got accepted to do my mental health nursing at uni my own self destructive thoughts were getting worse, I couldn't have eating disorders therapy as my risk of suicide was my highest risk but I also always had it in me, I don't want to die having not achieved more with my life, so I kept asking for help but became too complex for all services, I felt like a hopeless case and didn't see a future I had given up and in 2015 I had heart failure caused by alot of overdoses and bulimia and then I got sectioned because of the severity of my self harm and suicide attempts but I also always was aiming to get back to work but I'm lucky to have survived that year ( I also got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia at the end of that year, I was in the high dependency unit with failing kidneys), I'm made of tough stuff though so I'm obviously here for a reason.

After I left hospital I was only going out with support workers or my parents and after being in a locked hospital for a year, I was scared of living outside of hospital and being more independent so I had support workers at my flat who came and did my meds twice a day and I was supported to go out with staff every day. But with time I joined a choir which helped my social anxiety alot, finding something I love doing and finding alot of supportive friends who have helped me find more confidence.  I've also been in therapy for personality disorders for 2 and a half years (which was meant to be 2 years but went online for 6 months because of the pandemic) and the support there has also helped me feel more confident and more able to manage self destructive thoughts and now fully manage my own medication and only see support workers for 4 hours a week just for a coffee or walk and a chat and to help food shopping because I get anxious and stressed because of my eating disorders. 

I still struggle with my eating disorder so am getting 20 sessions of individual therapy starting soon and am going back to work in care for an agency so am staying in the personality disorders Therapy a bit longer just so I have the support to manage having more pressure but I'm proud of how far I have come and feel I'm ready to face new challenges, I never thought 7 years ago I would be able to live on my own safely, sing in a choir and drive all over to choir rehearsals and gigs in Hull, Beverley, Market weighton and driffield, teach horse riding again as holiday cover and go back to work in care again. I still live with alot of anxiety and self destructive thoughts but a thought is just a thought, you don't have to act on it and I live by the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway"




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