Update on eating disorder therapy, starting a controversial diet but trying to be sensible

 I have had the 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders I was funded for but the therapist was concerned I was starting a meal replacement diet which is low calorie so is giving me an extra session next week then have a 4 week, 3 month and 6 month follow up I think. She was concerned I would become obsessed with calorie counting and feeling more guilty about food but I feel that anyway.

The focus of eating disorder cbt isn't supposed to be on weight loss, but weight loss can be a result. Its supposed to be about following a structured meal plan without restricting, bingeing or purging (being sick), which is often a problem for me still, it's the one part of my mental health I haven't been able to get on top of, I can sit with the strong feelings to self harm which do often still get bad because they are linked to my eating disorder and not feeling good enough. But I think my focus on weight loss takes over when I'm feeling down on myself and having a confidence crisis.

The first few weeks of cbt therapy I was doing 3 meals and 3 snacks and didn't binge or purge and my weight went down but then my obsession to lose weight took over and Facebook advertised a diet to me which do vegetarian and vegan meal replacements so I gave into the marketing and was going to do an 800 calorie a day diet but did decide more sensibly to do a 1200 calorie diet.

I did a sponsored swim for July so knew I needed energy to do that so planned to start the diet in August but I think my eating disorder mind took over the week before, I swam 70 lengths on a choir day and hadn't cut down my calories deliberately I just hadn't eaten enough for the exercise I had done as I swim fairly fast I felt dizzy and faint at choir before it started then my mind went to how am I going to manage to do a low calorie diet without being ill but hating myself for being too fat so I didn't stay for choir which is rare for me but you get upset by one thing then your thoughts get upset about everything. Also the thought of starting the diet made my eating disorder mind panic at being deprived of food I like, I have a love hate relationship with food, I have food I like, like everyone I get cravings for a McDonald's or pizza some days but I feel guilty about all food. When I was smaller I didn't keep my weight down in a healthy way I wouldn't eat until I knew I could be sick then would eat whatever food I fancied at the time then be sick and not eat until the next day about the same time in an evening as couldn't be sick at work easily. The week before this diet was due to start I did eat rubbish and did end up being sick which I hate and I'm always honest in my blog as mental health isn't glamorous, I want to keep it real and honest and that recovery isn't black and white, therapy isn't a cure.

I started the meal replacement diet on the 1st of August and I have actually stook to it for 4 days although decided that days I'm more active I need a proper meal instead of replacement to physically be well and safe to drive, be active at the stables and work and choir. Day 1 I had a shake for breakfast and a bar and no added sugar squash for lunch so by the afternoon I was shaky so had small cartons of apple and orange juice then had a pinch of nom bolognese pasta bake with some garlic bread calorie counted for tea then had a cup a soup and slice of toast in the evening after choir as my eating disorder therapist had reccomended adding a snack in an evening to reduce the urge to binge. For me in the past bingeing had been a mix of emotional eating and as a result of restricting as our body craves the food we don't allow it, so my calorie count for day 1 was 1400, my eating disorder therapist had said I shouldn't go below 1600 but I'm aiming for as close to 1200 but taking into account days I'm active so if I ate 1200 calories then burnt 200 calories swimming I could have to 200 calories extra burnt swimming so my body still getting 1200 calories.

So day 2 I was teaching children at the riding school on an own a pony day so it's a mix of teaching riding and looking after horses so I had to walk and run when they were riding and helped them muck out and groom ponies and then I knew I was driving to choir an hour away each way and we often stand and do some dance moves so I knew I need more than just meal replacements so I had a shake for breakfast but then had a tesco meal deal of a veg samosa, falafel and houmous and orange juice and lucozade sport at the stables then more pinch of nom bolognese pasta bake with garlic bread for tea. I even went to McDonald's on way home from choir just for a diet coke and no food and actually wasn't craving one and had a planned cup a soup and slice of toast when I got home, I didn't count the calories that day as trying to rationalise obsessive calorie counting with being able to eat extra food if I need it on those busier days. Day 3 I also knew I was driving to choir again and although not as active a day was a busy one with appointments so no time for a nanna nap once I was up which I often need if not eating enough so I had a shake for breakfast then had a tesco ploughman's sandwich but took the cheese out, some carrots and houmous, orange and apple juice cartons and no added sugar squash and diet coke and had a pinch of nom bolognese pasta bake and garlic bread for tea.( it was a slow cooker recipe that serves 4 so I divided it into 4 portions for the week. I went for a diet coke with friends from choir so got home late so didn't have a cup a soup and went to bed when I got home. 

Today is day 4 and I have a less busy day today, going to see my horse and swim so having 2 meal replacements and the last of the bolognese pasta bake and garlic bread and a cup a soup and toast for supper, I have lucozade sport for after swimming and a carton of apple and orange juice. 

On my meal plan I have included a mix of main meals so once a week I will have a vegan pizza o Saturday a veggie brunch calorie counted then 2 meal replacements and Sunday a Sunday dinner calorie counted and 2 meal replacements,  if I plan to have a meal out with friends I will have a meal and then 2 meal replacements for the other 2 meals that day and other days I have some pinch of nom recipes to cook in the slow cooker and a mix of other normal meals that I will just portion to approximately 600 calories.  Although I've not totally stuck to the meal replacements, my weight is going down and I think this way will be more maintainable long term.

It worries me that commercial diets advertise low calorie diets as healthy but an 800 calorie a day diet is either a quick fix or if maintained becomes an eating disorder and has all the health risks of an eating disorder and I have to remind myself of that. I've had friends die from eating disorders and have a pacemaker due to bulimia making a hereditary heart condition worse. I'm using the meal replacements to make meal planning and calorie counting easier and feel that if only having those and the meals I have planned in I won't be able to binge and so won't be sick which is a healthiercway than I have often done. I'm on the Facebook group for the meal replacement diet I'm following and there are people encouraging each other to exercise on 600 and 800 calories a day ( despite apparently the product site advising against it) and then telling people to have oxo cubes if feel ill and to cut out carbs totally even though its a calorie deficit diet not a low carbon one. Its so dangerous as they are all things that long term can develop into eating disorder behaviour, tbh they are eating disorder behaviour yet people encourage it and tell overweight people to basically starve themselves. Yet if we look at it rationally some people are overweight due to health reasons or medications and if someone is overweight from overeating and over drinking they will have been having over the reccomended daily allowance of 2000 calories a day for women so even if ate 2000 calories a day would most likely lose weight. The NHS bmi app although bmi isn't an accurate measurement of health has a good app where it tells you your bmi and how many calories you can have for your bmi to lose weight and I know for me it did say something like 1800 but I feel 1200 is a good amount to stick to and my weight is going down on that. I'm motivated with this as I have a month worth of the products to get through, im not depriving myself of any food if I need a takecaway one day I can calorie count it for that day, im eating a mix of main meals which are a mix of low calorie ones and meals I normally like and I have a ball dress to fir into for Christmas, I would be really chuffed if that can happen. I have never followed an actual diet I'm normally against the diet industry who cash in on people's insecurities with quick fixes or diets that you either have to stick to for life or yo yo and keep rejoining slimming clubs. Obviously certain diets work for different people but we should all be prioritising health over a number on the scales so I'm aiming to lose the weight but in a sensible way ( I never do sensible let's hope this is the time I do)