Reflecting on 2022, mental health recovery isnt linear but seeing the achievements and goals for the future

I can't believe we're nearly at the end of 2022, on my down days I often forget the good days and what I have achieved this year and what goals I have for the future. 

In 2019 I started what was meant to be a 2 year, 3 day a week group therapy for people with personality disorders. At the time I was heavily supported by mental health workers. I relied on them coming to my flat daily to get my meds out of a safe as I was a high risk of impulsively overdosing on them without any skills to manage it, support workers helped me do my food shopping as it makes me really anxious due to having eating disorders, they helped me clean my flat as I often struggled to keep on top of it due to physical and mental health and my main social life was with paid support workers due to social anxiety and my old friends lives being busy and carrying on without me in them when I was in and out of hospital for the best part of 10 years so when I started the group therapy, one of my goals was to be more independent and have support to manage my eating disorder but to get eating disorder support I had to prove I was stable with severe self harm.

The group therapy got extended due to the pandemic as we went from going to an in person therapy to on zoom so our therapy was extended by 6 months. I now just go to the therapy once a week for a leavers program which is for 2 years and had 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders ( although I do still struggle with that but have lost weight this year partly with a healthy diet and partly with eating disorder behaviour still but I think I've struggled with it so long I think it is just something I will have to try manage the best I can and make the most of the good days and weeks which can be unpredictable).

The positives are I managed to stop having support workers and do my own meds and food shopping and I have a rule I keep on top of laundry, pots and pets in my flat then every couple of weeks blitz it. I completed the group therapy and my quote at the end was "feel the fear and doing it anyway" or as my choir leader bought me a badge saying " Scared shitless and doing it anyway" that about sums me up. Back in 2021 the riding school asked me to do some teaching as holiday cover and I found out I could do some paid permitted work on the disability benefits I've  been on for about 8 years when after 17 years I had to give up work due to my mental health. I wanted to work but health wise alot has happened in the 8 years I hadn't worked, I lost my confidence and believed I wasn't good enough and too much pressure always sends me backwards with my mental health because I start analysing everything I think I haven't done good enough and when I'm around people more I get more paranoid I've upset people and they don't like me, in the past these were the types of triggers that contributed to my self harm as well as my eating disorder and anxiety and depression being triggers too. Also since I stopped working full time I have had heart failure, meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia where my kidneys failed and I've had covid 3 times and although they all improved, I suffer with bad fatigue when I do too much especially at times I'm struggling more with my bulimia and when I'm tired it's a trigger for my mental health getting worse so being able to do permitted work means I can do some work upto 16 hours a week but not have to work every week without worrying I can't pay my bills which means I can have rest weeks to manage my busy ones.

As the riding school work was only holiday cover which I really enjoy as I teach children how to look after and ride a pony for the day, I wanted to do some more consistent work and caring is also what I enjoy doing as I want to help people and make a difference so I joined a care agency. Before I stopped working in 2014 I had been accepted to train as a mental health nurse after working as a carer for 10 years and doing an access to nursing course but I have lost alot of confidence since then and when I first stopped working I thought I deserved to be dead due to not helping people as a nurse but I now see you can make a difference in other ways even if not a qualified nurse. So this year I  started working for a care agency I used to work for for 7 years, I usually do a night shift as there are less people about and often do 1 to 1 shifts looking after just one person. I do do some shifts in busier places and I do get really anxious before, during and after a shift but I'm doing it and do often get good feedback from staff I work with, I do care and I'm normally good with people who are challenging, being quiet can have its advantages. I haven't got the confidence to commit to a regular place of work and I'm in a choir which has helped massively with my mental health giving me the confidence with people outside of mental health services again and I have made friends doing something we all love and singing together, so working for an agency means I can plan my shifts around health and choir which helps my mental health.

I still struggle alot living on my own as it can get lonely so going to choir means I see friends often and have a positive focus. I've also started volunteering for riding for the disabled this year which I'm enjoying and I've been volunteering for a charity that befriends older people and I visit them for an hour a week to give them company and a chat, I get lonely but can get out, due to their health they can't and they have lost their families and friends so I can at least try to help them. I did visit a lady who was 90 for 6 months and I went to her 90th birthday party but sadly she died not long after. I've now started seeing a man and he appreciates my visits. I've also been accepted to volunteer with St john ambulance cadets and I'm starting that 2 hours a week once a fortnight.

I set myself weekly goals, i'm not saying I never get suicidal thoughts, I've had them a long time but I have a bucket list and somewhere in me I'm a survivor with more lives than a lucky cat. My horse Warwick needs me and I want him to have a long healthy life as do my cat Arthur and my guinea pig Rocky. Its also on my list to go on a choir tour which we are doing next year to Florence in Italy which I'm really looking forward to.  In 2019 we had a choir ball which I was anxious to go to this year I went on an overnight choir trip for a weekend with choir and loved it and in 2018 I was really nervous to be on stage on the back row at my first Christmas concert, this year I volunteered to dance the thriller dance off the stage wearing an 80s costume which included a tutu. So I should be proud of what I have achieved, alot of it this year. Over lockdown I made friends from other choirs in Beverley, Hull, Market weighton and Driffield and so I have regularly gone to other choirs in hull and Beverley and choir gigs all over. Before the lockdown in 2020 I was nervous to drive out of town and only did choir gigs or went to other choirs with someone else driving. Because I've been able to challenge myself and my anxiety I've done some amazing gigs and made more friends which is nice, I feel I finally fit in somewhere outside of mental health services. It's also a goal to do a proper solo at a proper gig at choir as I did one in 2021 but only in front of the choir and a small gig with no audience, I want to challenge myself but do often doubt myself. 

It's also on my bucket list to go horse riding in Iceland so I'm aiming to go in October 2024 to see the Northern lights and a friend I used to horse ride with has said she would come with me. I'm under the weight limit to ride the horses but I'm aiming to lose some more weight but need to try focus on healthy so I have the energy to ride and I'm going to try ride regularly this year hopefully once a month as it's too expensive to ride more than that at a riding school and I'm too big to ride Warwick my own horse due to his age so I just enjoy grooming him and letting some kids ride him for some light hacks, im just thankful I still have him. I did a sponsored swim this year for charity too and am going to try go swimming regularly next year to help get my fitness back, I've been to swimfit classes a couple of times but have struggled more with it but I've been too anxious to go swimming on my own  after a break due to having a new pacemaker put in so it's a goal to go swimming on my own again after Christmas although will be good if I can get some swim buddies. 

I started this post saying mental health recovery isn't linear and I will add it also doesn't mean cured, recovery is managing to live the best life you can despite your struggles and I'm trying to do that with the support I have and I'm thankful to the people who do some support me, both professionals and family and friends. 

The following pictures represent some of my achievements and goals....