The difference between an eating disorder and a diet....its best to be healthy

 So many people think an eating disorder is a weight and think of a low weight anorexic but there are so many different eating disorders and even someone that becomes anorexic in weight started at a normal or higher weight. It's a mindset rather than a weight, therefore an eating disorder isn't a diet gone wrong it's a mental illness but a diet can trigger it in someone who's mental health is vulnerable. Not everyone who diets will develop an eating disorder.

I've had eating disorders the majority of my teenage and adult life, even fad diets like the special k diet I would do as part of eating disorder thinking and behaviour.

My weight has fluctuated alot especially as an adult but it was only 7 years ago I became overweight because of mirtazapine an antidepressant I got put on that can help you sleep (I could sleep but got more depressed over my weight) and I had heart failure and gained weight because of water retention and then couldn't be as active as I was before too. 

Last year I was having eating disorders therapy to deal with bulimia I was in a cycle of restricting and bingeing and some purging by being sick but was mostly feeling guilty about eating so not eating then bingeing when i got really hungry and got 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders but I was told eat 6 times a day, 3 meals and 3 snacks but I didn't trust how much to have or what to have so I did it to start with and did actually lose a stone but then I got scared that once the therapy stopped I wouldn't be able to do it and a few friends had been doing calorie counting diets and Facebook kept advertising the exante diet to me a diet made up of low calorie meal replacement shakes, bars and meals. I was in a fairly positive mindset and was having 1200 to 1400 calories a day made up of 2 of the low calorie meal replacements, a balanced healthy meal like a pinch of nom recipe and in an evening the time I often get hungry as I stay up late I had a 200 calorie snack like cup a soup and toast or low calorie hot chocolate and biscuits. I also drank fruit juice. On my more active days at work as a carer or teaching horse riding or if I went swimming or anything else more active I had more calories to compensate and I lost another 2 stone but then my mental health took a nose dive because I put on more pressure going back to work and took on 3 volunteering jobs and had less mental health support after leaving a 3 day a week therapy group and my anxiety and depression got worse and I couldn't stick to the diet anymore. I did the diet for about 11 weeks then as my mental health got worse we had alot of choir Christmas gigs so I kept myself motivated with them but my eating had become inconsistent and I was restricting more then after Christmas I tried to go back to the diet again but because my anxiety and depression were bad it triggered my eating disorder and I took an overdose because the eating disorder (ed) made me feel guilty about all calories even the diet meals, I lost weight as was restricting alot but then ended up bingeing and being sick again and that just ends up in a constant cycle Ed says you can't eat, you get hungry so then ed says you can only eat if you are sick afterwards. You don't control your weight once bulimia comes in ( 50 percent of anorexics become bulimic)  even though that's what the ed wants you to do. For me there's always been anorexic, bulimic and rational thinking....the eating disorder wants you to be in control, your thoughts are calm when you stick to anorexia and don't eat but then the rational part of you and natural hunger knows you need food to live and function and do more than stay in bed. That's where bulimia comes in a middle ground you can eat but only if your sick to half please anorexia but being sick doesn't get rid of all calories and then the eating disorder makes you feel so bad for failing and giving in to eating it makes you self harm to punish yourself for eating.

It all sounds irrational, it is but it creeps up on you and it gets where the ed voice is stronger than your own, im really trying to find my own because its harder to live your life when you don't have the energy or headspace for anything else.

I'm having therapy and it's a work in progress so far I'm supposed to be eating 4 times a day even if small amounts but I end up feeling guilty about the food so all food seems to be a battle....I don't want it to win though I want to be healthy and find me back again....