Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I was thinking back to a couple of years ago and how lonely and socially isolated I had become, the only people I was socialising with were paid support workers. I spent a year in a locked mental health hospital with limited access to the internet or phone and during that year all my old friends lives carried on and I was no longer a part of it. It's not anyones fault, at the age I am (nearly 40) people are generally married or in relationships, alot have kids, jobs and careers and busy lives. When I was in hospital and then the mental  health rehab I lived at after, I would often say to staff how I didn't have any friends I saw often and some would say they didn't see friends too...but were married or in a relationship. So I would then say precisely your not always on your own then are you. I got badly bullied at school, I know that sounds a long time ago but it did enough damage to learn not to trust people so I have never had relationships, and have only ever trusted a f...

Trying to be positive about the whole lockdown situation. I often feel lonely and socially isolated but that had been getting better lately and I had arranged to meet with some friends to go to the cinema and other stuff so I'm trying to stay positive that socially life will get better after we get through this pandemic. It is easier to try be more positive about the situation if I remind myself everyone is going through the same. Food is going to do my head in, my head always says all food is bad, and I hate myself for being fat all the time, I cant go out to exercise being stuck in I'm going to get even fatter. Some days I stay in bed to avoid food but then obviously end up eating at some point. When my mood goes really low and or I'm bored or lonely I find it harder to restrict and end up going the other way and bingeing.  My food shop isnt due for 2 more weeks, I have food in if it's a restrict week my head will constantly be reminding me there is stupid food in b...

I was at the group therapy I go to today and we were talking about whether we should self isolate etc. I have decided that because I am in the high risk category (I had heart failure and chronic kidney disease a few years ago and also had pneumonia that year too and was in high dependency unit) so I am going to take a break from the group therapy where there are 20 members plus staff and will just go to places with few people so I can still go and see Warwick my horse and go to my mum and dads and walk the dogs. I normally say how lonely and isolated I feel living on my own and rarely seeing friends, but it is better to be safe and physically well and alive than carry on as normal and potentially put myself and my parents who are older also with health problems at risk. I always said I deserved to be dead by the time I was 28 but I now want a life...I'm 40 in just under a year....I can't have survived numerous suicide attempts, heart failure, meningococcal septicaemia and pne...

This week is eating disorders awareness week and b-eat the national eating disorder charity runs helplines for sufferers and carers. I've suffered with eating disorders since I was about 12, I was 21 when I accepted it was a problem and needed help with it, not that asking for help actually got me the help I needed at that time. So it was my parents who supported me the most, it is not the easiest illness to deal with, the main thing we ever argued about was food if anyone confronted me about it, so I can't thank my parents enough for always sticking by me even at my worst. Fortunately we found a good eating disorder support group in Hull called SEED run by Marg and Den Oaten which support carers and sufferers of eating disorders and I'm so grateful for the support they gave us over the years that me and my mum went to the groups. When my bulimia was really bad and I still lived with my parents we even had a locked food cupboard that they kept sweets etc.  in as you bec...

Someone just showed up on my timeline from when I was at a therapeutic community in London I went to back in March 2015. It doesn't actually seem that long ago and it's been a rollercoaster few years but things are definitely alot better than that year. I went to London as local mental health services had said they had exhausted all avenues of care with me that they had available as I was classed as too complex, taking overdoses constantly. So I went to London for the intensive therapy I needed. Unfortunately at that time I wasn't in control of any of my self harming or suicidal thoughts and even small triggers would trigger me to self harm, which was against the rules at that therapeutic community and I only lasted there a few weeks and I think in those few weeks I spent so much time absconding  to overdose etc. I didn't really make any connections with the other patients there. Thinking about it though had I been as stable with my self harm as I had been for the l...

My obsessive thoughts have been so strong lately they alternate between eating disorder thoughts and suicidal ones. The suicidal ones have subsided after a small overdose the other day(I have limited access to any meds so was only antihistamines I was taking for a sinus infection I've had...but I'm not supposed to take any antihistamines because of the heart condition I have). But unfortunately a way the suicidal thoughts quieten is self harm...I hate that I end up doing it again.... I gave up on meal plans and because my mood has been low I've been spending entire days in bed to avoid eating and drinking which obviously inevitably you have to eat...it causes  such a battle in my head it's doing my head in...again it ends up in having to self harm to punish myself for eating. I took the overdose Monday after the group therapy I go to...I only went for the morning and the thoughts got too strong so I went home. I got checked at the hospital and was medically ok. Tues...

I've set myself practical goals to not act on suicidal thoughts for the last year and a half and it has worked but it's not easy. You can put on a happy face in public, crying on your own behind closed doors, avoiding going out on your worst days so I can see how people can presume that if they see people out doing stuff and appearing ok they can't be feeling suicidal. The last 2 weeks have been really hard, I always get down in January, I've always thought I deserved to be dead since I was 28 (the age my birth mum was when she died as a result of me being born). So I've made many suicide attempts since then. I seem to have more lives than a cat as they have been serious attempts but I always survived. There is always a part of me that is glad to be alive, the part that loves my family and my horse Warwick but living with mental illness can take you to dark places and it's hard to keep pulling yourself out. This last week at a group therapy I go to I was ...