Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 Today is time to talk day (1st February 2024), a day to encourage people to talk about mental health to help break the stigma and encourage people to reach out for support. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in their lifetime, from mild to moderate anxiety and depression, to more severe and enduring Mental Health problems such as eating disorders, personality disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Often people are blamed for having a mental  health problem and just told to be positive, but you wouldn't tell someone with a physical illness, stop behaving the way your physical illness is making you behave, yet often people are told things like this with mental health problems. I've often shared my mental health story to help raise awareness and to help explain to people why I am the way I am but although I do that I do often feel ashamed and guilty that I struggle the way I do,...

 I often write my blog to express my frustration, not at individual services but at my frustration of trying to get the right help at the right time for my eating disorder, especially times I'm struggling more. I first asked for help for bulimia in 2002 after it affected me doing what was a dream job at the time looking after rescue horses and I had to move back home. That was when I first openly admitted my eating was a problem, before then I hadn't seen it as a problem and was in denial if anyone confronted me about it. In 2002, apart from some mild self harm when I was 14, I didn't self harm, hadn't took any overdoses, I just had text book bulimia. My gp at the time referred me to a community psychiatric nurse (who back then had very limited training in eating disorders unless a specialist) so I got no therapy, saw a few other nurses and psychologists over the years who told me they didn't understand eating disorders and after a few years a local eating disorder ...

 I haven't written a blog post in ages and I never know how open to be, but I guess some people will judge or not understand, some will learn what it's like to live with an eating disorder and other mental health problems and some are supportive. It's easier to be open online rather than in person often, you don't want to bring the mood down when in alot of social situations and food is such a big part of life especially socialising but it's hard to explain to people why your struggling too. If someone is anorexic, it is visible, people see the person as ill and don't judge it but someone with anorexia didn't start at a visibly low weight, their eating disorder thinking and behaviour started long before and sadly often the way society is they will have been admired and praised for their weight loss regardless of how it was achieved or how mentally unwell the sufferer is. Often people with anorexia also have a history of bulimia and often switch between the 2...

 Christmas is probably my favourite time of year, the season of goodwill, spending time with family and friends and choosing presents and cards for family and friends who I appreciate have supported me all year in one way or another. So many non Christians celebrate Christmas and it has become very commercial but I was bought up Christian and there has been a strong Christian connection to a few people who have supported me this year and this year is a year I have often thought I wouldn't survive and despite struggling still I'm thankful I did, my mum always says where there is life there is hope and I want to believe it and God obviously wants me to stay alive to do good things one day and so Christmas is definitely a time to celebrate. Christmas is bittersweet because there is so much food around, everyone celebrates with food and drink over Christmas and naked new years resolutions to diet every new year. With an eating disorder it is really hard. I want to be with family an...

 So many people think an eating disorder is a weight and think of a low weight anorexic but there are so many different eating disorders and even someone that becomes anorexic in weight started at a normal or higher weight. It's a mindset rather than a weight, therefore an eating disorder isn't a diet gone wrong it's a mental illness but a diet can trigger it in someone who's mental health is vulnerable. Not everyone who diets will develop an eating disorder. I've had eating disorders the majority of my teenage and adult life, even fad diets like the special k diet I would do as part of eating disorder thinking and behaviour. My weight has fluctuated alot especially as an adult but it was only 7 years ago I became overweight because of mirtazapine an antidepressant I got put on that can help you sleep (I could sleep but got more depressed over my weight) and I had heart failure and gained weight because of water retention and then couldn't be as active as I was ...

 What else do you do when you can't sleep apart from count sheep lol write a blog post lol. Seriously though 8 years ago I was sent to a locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders as a sectioned patient because I was severely self harming and suicidal but my problems began with an eating disorder long before that when I was only about 12. I've told my story in different ways alot but to understand how it is now its easier to explain where it began. Someone who has an addiction to alcohol or drugs has a story and life history how they got there wether through starting through peer pressure or to deal with negative life experiences but once they're an addict all anyone sees is the physical symptoms and behaviours of the addiction but the life story shows the person under the addiction and the same goes for an eating disorder, the underlying causes are long gone and the eating disorder becomes all consuming in your mind. In primary school I was known for 2 things being...

 If someone has a mental health problem they are blamed for their illness by many. I've had too many friends die from their mental illnesses over the last few years and not all of them, probably none of them wanted to die I'd they had a healthy mind. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness due to the physical effects of the eating disorder or suicide. Having a voice in your head 24/7 making you feel guilty about everything you eat is hard to live with, it's not a diet gone wrong, it's not vanity. A diet can trigger it but it becomes more than that and the ed tells you you have to punish yourself for doing something we need to do the live, survive, enjoy life. Last week I went on holiday to Florence in Italy it was a beautiful place, I was with choir friends and there were good times and laughs. My eating disorder came though and I envy people who could go and enjoy the Italian food, have an ice cream etc. I end up crying over just having t...