Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 This week is suicide awareness week.  It's a topic close to my heart as I'm proud to say I'm a survivor. Unfortunately too many people aren't as lucky. Suicide is a taboo subject but we need to talk about it to be able to prevent so many avoidable suicides.  I've struggled with my mental health since I was a child, anxiety, depression and eating disorders which I struggled to get professional help for for years. At 21 I had severe bulimia and despite asking for help for years, never got specific help getting sent away from services...either too high functioning or too complex once I was self harming (which is different to suicide although people who self harm become higher risk of committing suicide). After 10 years of struggling with my bulimia, I needed a pacemaker for my heart as it had made a hereditary heart condition worse but I wasn't suicidal at that time (although I had always said I thought I had deserved to die at 28, the age my birth mum was when sh...

 I have been going to a group therapeutic community for a year this month for people with personality disorders which is for people with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder but there are 10 different personality disorders and NHS guidelines and funding focus on borderline, which I have traits of but I scored higher for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder which when I looked up the criteria for recently sounds exactly like alot of my problems. People with avoidant personality disorder: avoid social situations or contact with others because they have an overwhelming fear of being criticised, rejected or ridiculed and feel inferior meaning you are often quiet, shy and inhibited in social situations and worry you may cry or blush or do something wrong in social situations and be unwilling to try new things for fear of being embarrassed in front of other people.  This was totally me for many years along with eating disorders meant i just hid in my work ...

 I'm sure people get fed up of me going on about Facebook memories but saw one today was a status from 2014, the final year I admitted defeat on ever been able to go to uni to train as a mental health nurse and I was totally hopeless. I saw no future, was only going out with support workers or family and was taking overdoses constantly.  I'm frustrated that caronavirus has put this years plans on hold but I don't feel hopeless, more impatient. Hopeless isn't a good place to be it is a dark lonely place of suicidal thoughts and attempts and I want life to carry on, there is so much i want to do. I want to do some volunteer work then eventually paid work again, I want to one day go on tour with choir, I want to get back singing with choir and doing gigs and I'm positive these things will happen again it's just knowing when. We are on holiday from choir at the moment and it has turned out a couple of my good friends are also free so went for a nice tea out with one...

I have spent most of my life putting a value on myself based on weight (mostly because I feel not good enough in general), but I have spent too long, a good day being one I have lost weight and a bad day being one I have gained weight. I yo yo so much and I'm trying to tell myself is "fat" the worst thing I can be. I wouldn't be able to lose the amount of weight I feel I need to lose to be ok with myself anyway, and I guess healthy is what I need to and am aiming for. That's why I want to start swimming again. I read other blogs, see other peoples comments in eating disorder support groups where they are anorexic and feel they are superior and good at losing weight...that is my thinking in a disordered mindset (my bulimia came about after years of barely allowing myself to eat.....your body and brain give in eventually and the body instinctively needs food....that's why starving and restrictive diets lead to bingeing and weight gain and yo yoing). My ratio...

My mood and confidence has been up and down the last few weeks, partly some antibiotics I'm on I think affected a mood stabiliser I am on but also it is what I am like anyway. I often get down that I don't see friends often, I get down that I feel not good enough, I get down that I'm too fat...I think everyone has those days and it is the way we look at it. On a dark day I can think I don't see friends often it must be something I have done wrong or the other way of looking at it is they have busy lives and we will enjoy the times we do see other more so with it being the summer holidays a couple of my friends are free to meet up over the next few weeks which I'm looking forward to...as much as technology is great to stay in touch it's not the same as doing things together in person. I always get down about my weight, years of eating disorders won't go overnight...probably won't ever go and eating disorders arent great in lockdown but last year I did...

I keep thinking back to Christmas time last year, I was feeling really positive, I was swimming regularly and had the best time at the choir ball. I was feeling positive about 2020 (like obviously alot of people ) and I had a perfect plan for this year. I was still struggling alot with my mental health last year but usually my way of dealing with it is setting goals and plans. I spent 2019 mostly planning my life around choir gigs, volunteering at events for Bransby horses and then did a sponsored swim. At the end of last year I started a group therapeutic community for my mental health which is 3 days a week for 2 years. I was planning on doing some volunteer work alongside it, I actually worked out I haven't worked for 7 years due to my mental health.  I don't like being a "waste of space" as I would call myself and was hoping that I could have done more this year which obviously because of the caronavirus and the risk with my physical health problems I can't ...

For years I have been trying to get on top of my eating disorders, and my anxieties about not feeling good enough (as I have said in previous blog posts  I have avoidant personality disorder, a type of severe social anxiety and eating disorders which are connected  to each other.) My eating goals which I'm trying to stick to and have done for the last week is to eat regular meals throughout the day rather than avoiding eating all day which leads to eating late at night, usually a days worth of food. I don't get as much opportunity to binge as I have given my bank card to my mum and am keeping binge type foods at their house so I only have some of it available at a time...what ever works is worth a try. Also I'm trying to be a bit more active and aiming to walk at least 3 times a week then will build it from there. I'm trying not to focus too much on the scales, although I do weigh myself daily, my weight has gone down this week but I need to tell myself if I put on ...